Thanks, M. It is tough to shed or compartmentalize the emotions that this experience can present. DnJ often reminds people about the gift of time. I've not been as present in so many moments of my day as I should be. It has been helpful to stop and enjoy a good cup of coffee, a moment of near-complete quiet, or get lost in a 2-3-hour workout.
W pulled me aside to say we need to talk about what we're doing. The D papers she filed expire soon and if we're not going to do anything then she'll have wasted some money. She lobbed the idea of staying together at least through D13's time in high school to see how things go. Also, she noted that my mom was very kind to her on Christmas Day (recall they've had some struggles).
I said, "Hmm...say more about what that looks like to you". She said that she wasn't happy with potential housing options if we D, is not interested in jumping back into the dating pool, and wondered what the impact of this arrangement would be on D13.
My initial reaction: it felt like more temp checking with a bit of cake sampling. I thanked her for sharing. After pausing to show I'd listened, I said "I'm not certain I'd be satisfied with that arrangement. I need to think more about what is best for me and D13".
There would have to be meaningful, positive progress for me to stay. For example, W needs to make headway on resolving her prior traumas (for example, resume seeing a good IC, increase her meds, or some similar, concrete short-term results). Fix herself first and then see if we can move to steadily piecing.
I ended the conversation by saying "I need to hit the restroom" which, if not over-used, can be a great way to exit these conversations first. I didn't commit to a specific date for a follow-up discussion. As advised in previous responses to my posts, I can go down this road with her. I don't have to help pave it.
By comparison, I feel optimistic about my potential life post-D. I wonder if it may be better for me long-term. In my head, I hear our last MC telling me that W will have a tough time overcoming her past traumas such that our relationship would be stuck otherwise. D13 may also be better off seeing me do well both independently and, down the line, in a healthier relationship.
Before whatever alien abducted W, (MLC, WAS, mental health, menopause, etc.), we had a strong relationship. Once D13 came along, it seemed to up the ante in terms of W's anxiety to a point where she is more easily overwhelmed by life stuff. Part of being a good H means standing by a W through (sickness and health, til death do us part), right? I also recall MWD suggesting kids are one, important (not the primary) reason couples should work to stay happy and together. This site is about DBing after all.
Since this conversation is fresh, I'm going to kick it around in my head for a day or two. Thoughts appreciated, as always. Be well!
