I agree 100% with Boat. To have that discussion, you need to be ready to follow through with whatever path reveals itself. Given you're relatively early in this process, as Boat suggests you're more likely to get continued rebellion against your marriage than the beginnings of a reconciliation. This is why you've read MWD talking about being "patient, very patient", hear about things like "piecing" over long periods of time, and read so much advice here about patience.
To me, it starts with taking a very hard and inward look at your values and motivations. I know I could not reconcile if my W had a physical affair. That destroyed my parents marriage and has been a well known boundary of mine going back as far as high school. You cheat; I'm done. That said, I know couples who've surviived and thrived after a PA.
I've not read MWD's book on inifidelty, but John Gottman has a good chapter on this topic in his "Making Love Last" book. It also includes a section about how "How to Know if It's Time to Go" that you may find helpful. I'd also recommend the book "Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay" which asks some thought-provoking questions and includes recommendations about when to stay/go. These are my go-to resources when i need a gut punch or reality check.
At the end of the day, no book or forum is likely to give us guidance as clear as we'd like. You pull together the best information you can to decide what is best for you and your kid(s). A good IC (with training in marital issues) can help too. As you know "you didn't break her; you can't fix her". She has to go through whatever she's experiencing. It doesn't sound like she's anywhere near done with that yet.
You comment about doing the DB work and, if she doesn't have an epiphany, having spun your wheels. Sounds to me like you're focused on doing this for her, rather than yourself. Doing the DB work should be about improving yourself for yourself. If it helps you decide D is best for you, then DBing is still a success.
Your move "Blondie"! (Insert theme from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" here).
