Thanks all. I have been documenting the drinking in general via my own journal and some notes on my phone, mainly describing when she is drunk and what happens. My L had recommended the same when we first met earlier this year. W became suspicious shortly after DDay because she opened a drink in the vehicle I was driving while sitting next to our kids and once the car stopped moving I texted her about it, which she interpreted as me creating a paper trail. And yes, you read that correctly: my drunk W opened a drink in the car I was driving (dead sober) while she was sitting next to my D6.
On another note: I have a sense that I am directionless and could use some guidance or maybe just a pep talk.
W hosted Christmas Eve and I opted not to attend because I have not seen behaviors that are congruent with reconciliation. W is now out of town at her family's home w our kids and I have opted not to attend. We have some neighborhood friends who are hosting a NYE party and I told W I plan not to attend with her. In all of these instances W has asked me to come and I have declined, saying I have other plans.
My thinking is this: W had an affair, lied to me for 3 years about it, continues to drink and party, and our MR contains no intimacy. I don't want that degree of chaos in my life, I don't want a sexless marriage, and I don't want a relationship devoid of connection. DB says do the opposite of what you've done and that's what I'm doing: even in declining invites I am cheerful, and I no longer have emotional outbursts when she goads me. The goal for me is to detach and no longer feel stuck in a codependent MR so I can decide what I want for me. If the DB process works for me then W will fully recognize the damage done by her behavior and see me as someone she doesn't want to lose. My concern is that I don't think she'll get to that point and that I am spinning my wheels. W is very stubborn and feels adamant that I am overreacting to the A, saying it was a one off, she hates the guy, it was a long time ago, etc. She only wants to talk about it when drunk.
I guess what I'm saying is this: playing house with a dead MR feels like spinning my wheels and avoiding the hard conversation that needs to happen. I want to sit her down and say "It's been 3+ months since you've come clean and I haven't seen anything that suggests you fully understand the damage that's been done to the marriage. I'm ready to move on and it's time to talk about what that looks like." This si the opposite of the patience preached here, and the opposite of dropping the rope. Can someone whack me with a 2x4 and prevent me from doing more harm than good?
