Please someone Help !! Advice suggestions

[Pattnee5]

Hi Mia, I am just so sorry about your whole situation. I really do wish we all knew how long it takes. It’s a roller coaster. Believe me we all want a quick and magic fix. I even contemplated shoving anti depressants in my H coffee early on because he couldn’t see how depressed he was. It really is. A crap one. There is not even a way to know if anything is working because they will act or do something to give us hope and then quickly go back into their mode two-fold. It’s exhausting especially as a mother, as a female, as a fixer. Our emotions are in hyperdrive. I would absolutely crash to pieces every month when my hormones were playing up. Time is all you really have right now. Living together makes it even harder because you’re always in each others space and we LbS are looking for signs(any signs) of hope, while they are out and about living their best life and probably embroiled in other people. It truly is the worst. But don’t leave the house. You and the kids stay there. In a way it’s good and bad he’s still there. At least he’s still there.
Here’s some things I did that helped. I made sure I got out and walked an hour every day( or exercised) that was ME time. No kids just me. I started meditating and journaling which also helped.
And honestly, men are visual beings. So Look good, feel good, smell good. R2C is right all they want is a bit of TLC and to feel like a man(a king).It was hard at first to dress nice but boy I felt better dressing nice instead of being in sweatpants and casual mum wear. It took many months before I started to get a small compliment here or there
As job says be warm and Be kind( even if you have to fake it to make it even when they are full blown angry. It’s the hardest thing to bite your tongue and not retaliate)Be kind and calm. You want to be his safe place to land( his lighthouse). Just take it one day at a time. Don’t think ahead. The landscape changes so much so quick. I know he’s 33 but he may be going through some sort of early mid life transition. Trying to re capture his days before he was a dad or husband and had responsibilities. Persistence is key, you will make mistakes then dust yourself off and try again. We all did we all still do.
There’s no quick fix here unfortunately. Friendships and support is key. Even if it’s via phone and zoom. Maybe join a local group? Someone on here not long ago was in a similar boat where he didn’t really have a lot of people around and joined a grief group. Honestly sometimes family and closest friends aren’t always the best support they get too angry at the spouses on our behalf and their advice usually comes across wrong or angry. At least that happened in my instance.

Mia I feel for you. It’s Exhausting. Absolutely mentally and emotionally exhausting. Just keep going straight. It’s your best shot at saving this. We all want to save our marriages. None of us want to divorce.

I wish I could give you advice on fixing or solving your marriage but I can’t. It’s really hard when one of us wants to fix and solve it and the other one doesn’t. Gosh I know this I kept trying to fix it on my own kept appeasing his every wish, kept talking about relationship stuff, apologising for everything etc etc. it didn’t make a speck of difference except push him further out the door because he felt “suffocated”. I know it doesn’t sound right but the only way you can fix and solve the marriage when you’re the only one who wants to is by controlling you and what you do. You can’t make him go to therapy and you can’t make him want to start working on the marriage. But by working and focusing on you, especially if he’s around you a lot, hopefully he starts to mirror your behaviour and eventually does come to a point where he does want to seek counselling and does want to sit and talk about things and start working with you to fix it.

Keep posting on here. If you say something or something happens post about it, get advice get help see how others would have handled it. It’s good to see other perspectives. I know his BD was over a year ago but if you only just discovered DB recently then keep plugging away at it. It will get better he will notice. He may just not tell you

[job]

Mia,

How are you and the children doing?

[jessieht]

I am so sorry you are here going through this. I dont have much advise as I am in a similar situation except mine was out of the house in an affair for a year but he doesn't drink. but the cops< yep I called them. and somewhat similar thing. he was telling me he was going to call the cops on me for not letting him in the house and when I seen him on the phone I called them to let them know why i wasn't. well turns out he was just calling his mom but by then they were already called. That knight he said he understood and by the next day and I am sure talking to his side chick he convinced himself I was trying to get him thrown in jail. we had that total runner chaser avoidant and anxious dynamic for years and one day he said he was leaving a day before our seven year anniversary and then I found out about the affair. Ny world crumbled i begged and pleaded. but as hard as it was to have him gone it is super hard now that he moved back in 3 months ago. he does what he wants and sleeps in the kids bedroom. total distant roommates.

I also have an older son that is a big issue. he was very hard on him and my son resents him for how he has treated me so they cant stand each other.

I also see where it is so frustrating when all you here is work on you. I is hard to just work on you when your are fighting for your family and your life is in total limbo. you dont know what the next day will hold. you cant work on things but cant really just move on either. I will say when you really look at their behaviors you will start to see it isn't about you. the anger and all the crazy. it still hurts me somedays but then I look and it is almost funny sometimes because what they do is so juvenile.

Ant the rewrighting history and the justifications they come up with!!! you might as well save your breath. they are so crazy and the have absolutely convinced them selves. and trying to defend yourself jus back fires and makes them think you are argumentative. it is crazy making. I have seen mine start to act like my 6 year old sone. pretending to be asleep when i have to tell him something for the kid and run out of the room and slam the door because I took the stinky trash out when the bag wasn't as full as normal. al I can say if they will throw a fit when you start to not react but it works. I dont know why but it does. but they will PUSH AND BAIT BIG TIME WHEN YOU START THIS!!! they like the reaction even though the say they dont. and when you dont give them that control over you it starts to shift. its hard, it [censored], but it is literally all we can do for now until they figure it out for themselves. But dont give them an excuse to blame it on your reactions and also dont let it kill you from the inside out trying to reason with them. Good luck. I hope we both make it out of this with our families in tact.

[DnJ]

Well said jess.

You are correct. They do push and bait big time! Until they figure themselves out, they absolutely cannot handle being responsible or blamed, and they will blame everything and anyone they can.

Take care,

And Merry Christmas to you and your’s.

D

[MiaRob]

Hey, you'll,
I am back, Merry Christmas.
sorry I didn't stop posting because I was frustrated or angry, I just took some days off to focus on children and work.

Reminders:
9-yr relationship, I called the cops based on fears of previous aggression, back and forth rocky since last year- (husband calling quits each month but coming back), no charges were pressed, husband called the quits this time hardline, took ring off and told his work, non-communicative (don't wanna discuss the relationship w/me), moved in a different room, 1 bio kid, two steps(mine), I apologized officially, begged - didn't work, tried convincing, now left alone.

Steps during the last year:
he left once- stayed away 2 days came beg after I pleaded (wrong i know)
IC for myself,
marriage counseling= unsuccessful
IC for him = dragged out unsuccessful


Working on self:
GAL,180, LRT, no Rtalk, and lighthouse are all currently in order
being short and warm to him, being mostly unavailable to him,
focused mostly on my children, work, and keeping it together for them
someone mentioned looking nice and smelling nice ( i never wear sweatpants and mum wear lol)

Updates:


1. We had to attend an event just 2 days before Christmas, and we attended it together, he put a disclaimer out there that we were doing it only as parents and nothing else. I didn't respond. went there, had fun, but individually, he didnt want to stay on the same table at all, came home, went to bed. The next morning he comes into my room (originally our room), sits beside, asks me about last night, tells me I looked very beautiful last night and very conveniently mentions "Not that i have any thing to do with intimately" - very confusing remark. i say thanks and he again walks away and offers coffee.

2. NEXT DAY - he mentions why I have curled my hair and put a bow? as if I am going somewhere, i say no. he says ok, just looking all dolled up for a home? (like I always do but u never care to look? ugh) i said, sure. and he didn't say a word. Later he wanted kids and us to come with him to see xmas decorations around the neighborhood and hot chocolate. we joined, and he again whispered to me, Should be good co-parents for kids at least! Pissed me right off. but I didn't show a reaction.

3. Next day - We sat around our tree and wrapped xmas presents for kids, together. we talked and laughed lighthearted general. had some drinks. after a while, he abruptly stands up and walks away saying good night.

4. I find out he has been cheating- since the event night for sure, maybe before that but i cant be sure( texting other girls, exchanging pictures and voices) and talking to them. and very intimately. I am not sure if physical encounters have occurred. broke me in pieces and I was downright in the dumps after finding it. especially because i read texts and it is the same how he used to talk to me. so happy with hearts and flowers, good mornings and 100s of texts back and forth, and last good nights to her. Like this guy can send beautiful texts to these women or a woman but not even check on me how am I dealing with the loss of pregnancy? - well wait why would he care probably thinks it's not even his ------

5. Picked myself up, dusted it off, and kept moving on. - work, kids, unavailable, warm, short.
(hate myself for being nice to him, he probably was warm to me in earlier days cuz maybe he was feeling guilty about cheating who knows )

6. I was feeling down and when he came home from work I ran to him and just gave him a hug( like i used to when things were dandy), a strong tight hug. he hugged me back but very much like a caring hug (not romantic), kind.

7. Next, He accidentally sends one of those intimate texts to someone I know, which she shared with me (he is unaware she did), I never confronted him. He probably panicked and quickly lied to me that he wanted me to have an amazing day and that text was meant to be for me. he lied. we know cuz he doesn't know I know from beforehand that he has been texting other woman these cute texts already and if he hadn't slipped up, no one would have thought to make my day amazing at all. (like it hadn't happened in a long time) he came home and overexplained himself - i used the Greyrock method because I didn't feel it was right to validate him OR confront him. i felt like he needed the validation that I bought into his lies so he could have the upper hand and control on this situation, which is unfair since the beginning, but this situation shook his control a bit.
{{{AS WE ALL KNOW that He HAS BEEN AT FAULTS TOO}}}

8. Xmas Eve- day, he comes into my room again, sits close and mentions
HIM: how sad it is that we are going through separation and divorce during the most warm and happy times. At least we are civil for kids ( eww? WTH?)
me: We don't have to.
Him: we do have to. no other options.
me: yeah, there are always options. we can work together.
him: we tried that -----
can't have the whole convo here but basically, we had RTalk where we both stated our positions - him not making it work and Me being open to making it work, apologizing for part i played etc. He didnt and he stated how its so much of insanity for him and we had difference of opinions in marriage etc
we didnt argue but
the bottom line given to him was = i beleive in our marriage it will work
his was = move forward, this ship has sailed

I feel like I made a mistake and I shouldn't have talked rtalk, since he probably only wanted to bring this topic up to know how I feel about "us" SO he can have the control back feel good that i am still on board etc. especially after his slipup mistake msg incident. and now he does, but whatever, I had good intentions and I genuinely thought maybe he will be wanting to have a good Christmas with kids and the whole family.
so my intentions were pure.

didn't work. he stood up and walked away, nicely this time, just saying "I am not there" and " I know you are a very good mom"
________________________________________________________________________
NOW, i m back to doing what I was doing.

YESTERDAY, Christmas Day:

He wakes up, brings coffee beside my bed (something he told me that he would always do even if we ever split up ), and has been, randomly doing this for 2 months post-BD) and sits in our bed, wakes me up the same way he used to post CONFLICTS, and all of sudden, abruptly stands up and walks out saying " good morning mom" lol

(he has started calling me mom when he wants to talk to me, these days - such co-parenting huh? lol, he knows i hate this word from his mouth )
i dont react. just plain respond to him if needed and stay short and yeah of course warm :\

Thanks for reading.
who ever suggested me to look nice and smell nice, (i think SteveLW?) what else is a man creature of? cuz this works i know.

[job]

Mia,

I have merged your two threads together because your first thread had not reached 100 postings.

Now, on to your current posting. You have realized that you shouldn't have talked about the relationship. In the future, keep your conversations on the children, the home and the bills. Sure you can have small talk about the weather and how things are going with respect to whatever is going on around the house...but no relationship talks. The more you try to talk to him about the relationship, the more determined he is that it is over and the more he will cut the conversations short and leave the room.

No more running to him and giving him hugs. Think about this...would you be running up to a roommate and giving them a strong tight hug? You have to get into the mindset that he is a roommate right now and you have to treat him as such. In his mind right now the marriage is dead and he's moved on.

As you can see, he's one confused little bunny because his actions do not always mirror up with his words. He calls you "mom" because he is looking at you as an authority figure, i.e., maybe he sees some traits in your that remind him of his mother. They rebel against authority figures.

Because he is in the throes of cheating, he has to put that distance between you and him. He really is caught between two situations and right now, he's comfortable living at home whereby you cook, clean, do the laundry, etc., i.e., just like a mother would do. He's comfortable. If you don't add any more pressure to the situation, i.e., expecting him to act like he use to as your husband, he may very well continue to live under the same roof. Now, here's the thing...don't open the door and shove him out. He has to make that decision all on his own so that he won't blame you for him walking out the door. In due time, his affair partner is going to put pressure on him to move out. You do not have a clue what he's telling her about the situation, so step back, allow him to get caught in his own trap. He has to face the consequences of his actions on his own. You can't save him from himself. However, you can save yourself from being dragged down into the rabbit hole.

Mia, I see so much of myself in you and your situation. Trust me, continue to be yourself. If you want to dress up, change your hairstyle, redecorate your home do it. Yes, he may question what you are doing, but do it for yourself. Whatever changes you make, you make them for YOU, not to get him back. He will be watching you and testing you to see if your changes are permanent or if you are playing games with him. They are very good at trying to trip us up. You owe it to yourself to take back the head space that you are giving him and he isn't even paying rent there. Do things for YOU! You do not own him any explanation as to why you are dressing up, etc.

This is a marathon, not a sprint...but you are doing to be fine. No more relationship talks, no more tight hugs and remember that this is a business deal gone south. He is a roommate now and you need to treat him as such.

Keep the focus on you and the children. Leave him in God's hands.

BTW, if you haven't done so already, you may want to visit the Midlife Crisis forum. You may find some very good information over there.

[MiaRob]

Mia,

I have merged your two threads together because your first thread had not reached 100 postings.

Now, on to your current posting. You have realized that you shouldn't have talked about the relationship. I............................................................................................
BTW, if you haven't done so already, you may want to visit the Midlife Crisis forum. You may find some very good information over there.

Thanks Job,
yeah, I understand.

He is the one who acts like we aren't roommates, otherwise, why would he wanna come to use my room,sit beside etc.. lol?

and what should I do if he starts the RTalk? i didn't start that. he kind of began it.
sure it is my fault to continue it, ill admit that for sure. so I'll be careful with that.

also, whats up with his comment about , i am attractive but he doesnt have anything romantically .. etc? any clue?

[MiaRob]

ALSO, just to mention,
his love language is physical touch, but there isnt any way i can do it now...

[Kind18]

Mia, Job is an absolute expert at this stuff and is giving you incredibly good advice here.

A few things from me:

1. If your husband went away overseas for a work trip for two weeks, would you dress nicely, do your hair and wear good perfume every single day even though he’s on the other side of the world?

If the answer to that question is no, then you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. You never improve yourself to try and win someone back. You improve yourself for you. For your confidence. For your self worth and respect. This man is breaking your family apart, who cares if he notices? And as Job said, he’ll see right through it if you’re only doing it to win him back.

R2C is the attraction guru at this site, he can probably provide more help here.

2. It’s good you recognised the relationship talk and hug were both big mistakes. This shows you’re growing, and there isn’t a person here who didn’t slip up and make a few mistakes early on.

The best way to think of long relationship talks and hugs is like this: Imagine your least favourite work colleague. Someone who always gets in your way and you always try to avoid. Imagine you see them in the park on the weekend and they run over to you and give you a big hug, and then wants to have a long conversation about why you should be best friends..

Would that long, one-way hug and awkward conversation be likely to make you want to spend more time with your colleague, or make you feel like you dislike them even more?

Your husband is choosing other women over you at the moment, and every time you hug him or try to shoehorn a relationship discussion, you become a barrier between him and what he wants (other women and a different life).

The affirmation you desperately seek pushes him further and further away. You've already seen previously that sort of desperate behaviour is unlikely to repair your marriage long term.

3. Make yourself unavailable. If he’s out, you stay home. If he comes home, try and go out. You’ve told him again you want to work on it, so he feels safe to continue his affair - knowing that you’ll be there waiting if he comes back. It’s zero risk for him. He can happily cheat, and if he gets dumped by his AP or something goes wrong, he knows he can just slide back into your bed with a click of the fingers.

Don’t push him out the door - but don’t let him think he can have his cake and eat it too. He needs to feel like he is potentially going to lose something.

[job]

Mia,

If your h starts relationship talks you can listen and if he is talking about the relationship in a negative way say "I'm sorry you feel that way) and then walk away or find something to do. One habit we have is if they are speaking to us in a negative way, we want to defend ourselves. The best thing you can do is either walk away or change the subject very quickly.

What I have found in most cases is that the crisis person tends to want to talk about relationships because they are trying to not only convince the spouse/partner it is over, but they are also trying to convince themselves. The person in crisis has a tendency to project what they are either doing or thinking on to the other person. Don't buy into the rubbish. You know what type of relationship you have whether it was a good or a bad one.

If he comes to your room, you can either stay in there with him or get up and move to another room and find something to do. You have choices. You need to make the choice that is best for you and your emotional health. If you want to stay there and listen to his rubbish, so be it...but it is truly better to remove yourself from his rubbish talking.

As for the ow, let her do all of the dirty work, i.e., putting pressure on him. Right now, he has the best of both worlds. Are you still doing his laundry, cooking his meals and doing his errand running? Maybe it's time to step back a bit and let your man/child do some of his own things. After all, you are not his mother...you are his wife.

You didn't ask to go on this journey with him, but you sure can get off that crazy train and take care of yourself and your family. The more you focus on him, the less time you have to focus on yourself.

Mia, so what do you have planned for the rest of the week? Time to think about some new hobbies, a walk or a drive. You do not need to tell him everything that you are doing. Be mysterious...give him something to think about and wonder what you are doing and where you are. Go out and try to enjoy yourself a bit. You may find a nice drive or walk or just going to the mall will raise your spirits.

No matter what happens, if you make a mistake, learn from it and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. Trust me, we all have made many mistakes along the way and once you learn from them...you will discover that life gets a little easier.

Hang in there! Be kind to yourself, please do not beat yourself up...this is a work in progress, i.e., one step forward, two steps back.