Considering that the holidays can be challenging even in the best of times, I'm happy with how the last couple of days went. W hosted Christmas Eve at our home with her family, which I did not attend. I was cheerful and optimistic throughout the day and spent most of it with the kids. I had dinner at my parents' home with some other family members and then returned to my home which was full of W's family and some close friends. 90% of the people in the house know what's going on and I am guessing the other 10% now have a strong suspicion. After everyone left my W started the usual drunk "we aren't getting a divorce" conversation. I replied with "the next 30 years of my life are not going to look like the last 3, we can talk about this when we're sober" and tried to put it to bed. She wasn't having it. What ensued was her mapping out a picture of what she claims to want: we stay married and keep things intact with the understanding that we're simply gutting it out. That's not for me.
Earlier in the week I was having a beer at a friend's house when a friend of my W's ex-AP showed up. This friend was also a friend of mine and knew about the A long before I did which remains embarrassing for me: being the last to know about the PA is one of the aspects of this I can't get past. Based on this and some other comments this guy has made over the years, I've decided I don't want him in my life anymore. When he arrived he came right up to greet me; we shook hands and then I got up and left the party. This got back to my W and when she was drunk on Christmas Eve she brought it up, saying "he didn't do anything wrong" etc and chastising my treatment of him. This made me angry - she is more concerned with this acquaintance and the optics than she is about how the PA impacted the MR. Just goes to show how she is still deeply wayward. For my part I responded with "I know who I want to hang out with, and I spend time with those people. He is not one of them."
After opening presents on Christmas morning, W started to drink and then said we (the family) were going to her brother's house. I told her I had other plans, which upset her a bit but I left the room. She spent the day getting drunk there with 2 of the 3 kids, I had my oldest son and we spent time with some of my extended family.
I feel the distance between us growing. There were a few moments of affection from her over the weekend but they felt like temp checking as oppose to genuine desire. The DR process has helped me accept that the W I once knew is gone and may never come back and I can tell you that this version of her is not welcome in my life. I know patience is required and I know things get worse before they get better but it's very lonely to be constrained by a marriage that provides none of the benefits of a relationship. We had previously agreed to table all divorce discussion until after the holidays. Now that they're ending I have some decisions to make about next steps.
