You know, there’s millions of incredible women out there who can say “I was wrong” rather than gaslighting and emotionally abusing their husband.
Sigh, yes. I felt sad when you pointed out the emotional abuse here. But thanks for the honest feedback.
Originally Posted by Kind18
You seem to reiterate with pride how you force yourself to ignore her behaviour. You might think that’s attractive, but to her, it’s not. It just makes her despise you more.
I would like to believe that I am not ignoring her off-the-rail behavior. I feel what has happened is that during the 2022 phase of DB, I had consciously not reacted to her outbursts and that behavior has been baked in now. It looks like you are advising that is not the right behavior. An angry reaction would be impossible. That is what I used to do pre-BD, and I am over that now. I also cannot get sucked into an argument with her - that is exactly what she wants, and she has always been a pro at sucking me into a nasty fight.
Originally Posted by Kind18
If she says “I will note it down if you make me mad”, perhaps you could suggest that will help her when she finally decides to talk about her anger issues with a therapist rather than blaming you.
Or perhaps respond with “That will mean we have log of all the times you gave me incorrect driving directions but you were unable to admit your mistake.”
It looks like you are suggesting a different kind of reaction. Actually, I've changed the nature of my reactions lately:
- Recently, when she said she would note down this episode, I said that's great; please do that and discuss it with your IC. - When she exaggerates a problem, I tell her to note this instance down and maintain a log. "That will give you some much-needed numbers so that you can base your decision to stay with me on numbers rather than imagination." - Today, when she tried to pick a fight over something trivial (she usually blames her behavior on "PTSD" from her decade-long pre-BD marriage to me) - I asked her in jest why we were buying a big box of expensive chocolates for someone who does not eat chocolates, she blew up. After waiting for her to finish, I told her firmly that I would not hold back from asking harmless questions or giving harmless opinions. "If you are triggered so badly by simple things like this, perhaps it is time for you to take a break from me and figure out whether you really want to stay with me". - In one instance, I reminded her calmly that, unlike just after BD, I will not stop her from leaving should she decide to do that again. - I've told her that her getting angry will not impact me much nor change me. Instead, it will harm her.
Originally Posted by Kind18
There’s a very fine line between an unaffected, calm man - and being a doormat.
Thanks for the reality check. I will keep this in mind. Will responding in certain ways or enforcing boundaries by leaving the scene help?
