This post has been months in the making. I tried to join and post two months ago but had technical issues that just magically seemed solved last night. Anyway, wife left for 2 days in the middle of the night at the end of June. It was another 5-6 weeks before I uncovered the affair in early August. I confronted (with proof) but she wouldn’t / still hasn’t stopped the affair. Instead, she lies and hides it then, just as she does now. I snooped on her long enough (a month?) to recognize the habits and now know when she calls or meets up with him even without having to snoop just by her mood and other indicators. The snooping wore me down and I couldn’t take it emotionally—what I read/saw was as brutal. Definitely follow the no snooping rule now!
Anyway, it’s been 6 months since first discovery. The affair has been going on for ~8 months. I have read Sandi’s rules and DR and Healing from Infidelity. And several other books. I got an IC in sept. I’ve spent a ton of time reading and watching youtube videos on this and related topics. Have learned a lot. I spent the first 3 weeks in July begging/pleading in ignorance then got better advice online. I have read this board for months now.
Some things I have learned is about that I don’t see discussed as much as I would expect here are attachment types. Have determined that I am anxious preoccupied and she is fearful avoidant. And although we’ve been together 9 years we never left the power struggle phase of our relationship. We were codependent and I have been working a lot on being more independent and detaching.
We still live together and sleep in the same bed. Have one child together, she’s 7. Plus two stepkids she brought into the marriage—now 12 & 17. We slept in separate beds for a few weeks in October but then I set a boundary that if she was gonna stay overnight at OMs place that she couldn’t share the master bed. Recently she asked for an exception to that rule to stay overnight but I reiterated and she hasn’t slept overnight with him since then (at least while I am home; this may be different when I travel). I don’t know what confuses me more—that she asked or that she respected my boundary when she doesn’t respect the marriage. I am pretty sure they meet up while kids are in school and are intimate, 1-2 times per week. They text and call throughout the day but less now than months ago.
I was hours away from a retainer meeting/paperwork with lawyer in early October but called it off. Out of nowhere she got a job and stopped spending weekends at APs place at that time. I decided to give things more time when I saw those changes. We were getting in arguments around that time but I have since figured out her triggers and how to listen better (still room to improve) and things are actually peaceful at the house. The first three months after BD I was desperate to get her back and have since realized that desire was working against me. In my assessment, I have greatly loosened my grip on the rope but don’t think I’ve fully dropped it. Not sure how I let go that last little bit.
Anyway, wife left for 2 days in the middle of the night at the end of June. It was another 5-6 weeks before I uncovered the affair in early August. I confronted (with proof) but she wouldn’t / still hasn’t stopped the affair. Instead, she lies and hides it then, just as she does now. I snooped on her long enough (a month?) to recognize the habits and now know when she calls or meets up with him even without having to snoop just by her mood and other indicators. The snooping wore me down and I couldn’t take it emotionally—what I read/saw was as brutal. Definitely follow the no snooping rule now!
