Thanks, both Bunches and Steve. The feedback received from this community, lots of re-reading, and self-reflection are steadily coming together. Given this is my 2nd time with DBing, and initially the first time was filled with doing many of the wrong things until my IC turned me on to MWD, I found this forum, and got one of the DB coaches, was just miserable. Over the last 4-5 years, I've put into practice a great deal of what we discuss here, as well as other marital gurus like Gottman (becoming an expert on W) and Tatkin (especially his guidance around avoidant attachment).
When D came up again a few months ago, while I was still a bit shocked, it didn't hit me as hard as the first time. I'm pretty darn proud of the changes I have made and continue to improve. There are moments when I slip up or repeat an old habit. Those moments are few and far between. The idea that "you didn't break S and can't fix S" really sunk in for me over the last few weeks.
I can tell when W is trying to initiate conflict so that she can attribute responsibility to me for something. I let that bait go untouched. I've told W that I deserve to talk about any given topic courteously and respectfully or I will not participate. By GALing, I've given W time and space to see that "stuff happens" even when I am not around. Until the discussion about D is resolved, my services as a H are unavailable. Aside from consultation to ensure D13 won't be alone or her needs otherwise addressed, my plans are my own.
Bunches, I like the idea of being able to "summon myself". The first time this happened, I'd just come off a terrible time at work. I was also diagnosed with a disability that, while manageable, left me depressed. It was really difficult to choose to summon my best self. I've been on much better footing and more confident this time around. My diet is better. I'm working out. I'm sleeping well. I've got plans if we D and plans if we don't.
So far, it isn't overwhelming (been there, done that). It is challenging. There are rough days. I will be OK as I know will most if not all of us here. I've got a nice plot of land for now in Limboland, time to do lots of positive things for myself, D13, family, friends, and professionally with the the gift of time for now. Again, I'm grateful for your feedback and hope I can be helpful to you in return.
