The hardest part for all those currently going through this who to practice your new skills/behaviors etc with. How do you know if someone is attracted to the new behavior? I practiced with everyone. I intentionally left my comfort zone.
R2C, I spent some time yesterday reading your old threads and I can see some similarities between your sitch and mine. Thanks for following along while I work on myself.
One of the things I've enjoyed about this process is the "new me" I'm building. I've always been outgoing but my W likes to tell me and others that she is the social one and I'm introverted. The reality is that she wants to drink/party which she then reframes as "being social", whereas I enjoy spending time with folks whether the drinks are being poured or not. Now that I've shed the impulse to defend myself from accusations like this one, I'm much more at peace being myself and I make a point to talk to everyone.
Originally Posted by MrP
At the same time, in DB and DR, MWD does drop marital situations into several "common dilemmas" (infidelity/wayward spouses, spouses with mental health conditions, MLC, and passionless - see the Contents section of DR). Each provides some background on what our spouses MAY be experiencing and why and, more importantly, she offers potential solutions to consider.
There seems to be a fine line between having at least at a high level an idea of what situation(s) our spouses may be in AND going too far down a cheeseless tunnel, mind-reading, making assumptions, and otherwise over-analyzing the "why" behind our spouses' alien-like behavior.
I think of my stich as a WW with sprinkles of passion meltdown: once she cheated I think she spent the subsequent 3 years putting space between us. I agree that thinking much beyond that basic framework isn't productive and is counter to detaching.
Still working on GAL and being optimistic and cheerful while simultaneously detaching. That's the focus. I read up on differentiation of self this morning after seeing it mentioned in another old thread and it's yet another reminder of how to live moving forward.
W went to a group dinner last night that I was invited to but declined to attend; when she got home I asked how it was and she said "It was fun, you should have come."
What I've noticed is that on my good days - meaning days where I'm filled with optimism about the future and acceptance of what's happened - I am usually focused on the idea that my W will continue to suffer from the problems she's created and I will be fine. On bad days I find myself dwelling on her rejection of me via the PA, the lack of closeness between us, the years of lying, and the fear that while I am creating space via the DB process she will find herself a Plan A OM and move on. In both cases I am thinking too much about my W. So the goal is to get to a place where I am not thinking this way, but instead fully differentiating myself from her. This is why I think a separation would be helpful after the holidays.
