Hi Mia, I am just so sorry about your whole situation. I really do wish we all knew how long it takes. It’s a roller coaster. Believe me we all want a quick and magic fix. I even contemplated shoving anti depressants in my H coffee early on because he couldn’t see how depressed he was. It really is. A crap one. There is not even a way to know if anything is working because they will act or do something to give us hope and then quickly go back into their mode two-fold. It’s exhausting especially as a mother, as a female, as a fixer. Our emotions are in hyperdrive. I would absolutely crash to pieces every month when my hormones were playing up. Time is all you really have right now. Living together makes it even harder because you’re always in each others space and we LbS are looking for signs(any signs) of hope, while they are out and about living their best life and probably embroiled in other people. It truly is the worst. But don’t leave the house. You and the kids stay there. In a way it’s good and bad he’s still there. At least he’s still there. Here’s some things I did that helped. I made sure I got out and walked an hour every day( or exercised) that was ME time. No kids just me. I started meditating and journaling which also helped. And honestly, men are visual beings. So Look good, feel good, smell good. R2C is right all they want is a bit of TLC and to feel like a man(a king).It was hard at first to dress nice but boy I felt better dressing nice instead of being in sweatpants and casual mum wear. It took many months before I started to get a small compliment here or there As job says be warm and Be kind( even if you have to fake it to make it even when they are full blown angry. It’s the hardest thing to bite your tongue and not retaliate)Be kind and calm. You want to be his safe place to land( his lighthouse). Just take it one day at a time. Don’t think ahead. The landscape changes so much so quick. I know he’s 33 but he may be going through some sort of early mid life transition. Trying to re capture his days before he was a dad or husband and had responsibilities. Persistence is key, you will make mistakes then dust yourself off and try again. We all did we all still do. There’s no quick fix here unfortunately. Friendships and support is key. Even if it’s via phone and zoom. Maybe join a local group? Someone on here not long ago was in a similar boat where he didn’t really have a lot of people around and joined a grief group. Honestly sometimes family and closest friends aren’t always the best support they get too angry at the spouses on our behalf and their advice usually comes across wrong or angry. At least that happened in my instance.
Mia I feel for you. It’s Exhausting. Absolutely mentally and emotionally exhausting. Just keep going straight. It’s your best shot at saving this. We all want to save our marriages. None of us want to divorce.
I wish I could give you advice on fixing or solving your marriage but I can’t. It’s really hard when one of us wants to fix and solve it and the other one doesn’t. Gosh I know this I kept trying to fix it on my own kept appeasing his every wish, kept talking about relationship stuff, apologising for everything etc etc. it didn’t make a speck of difference except push him further out the door because he felt “suffocated”. I know it doesn’t sound right but the only way you can fix and solve the marriage when you’re the only one who wants to is by controlling you and what you do. You can’t make him go to therapy and you can’t make him want to start working on the marriage. But by working and focusing on you, especially if he’s around you a lot, hopefully he starts to mirror your behaviour and eventually does come to a point where he does want to seek counselling and does want to sit and talk about things and start working with you to fix it.
Keep posting on here. If you say something or something happens post about it, get advice get help see how others would have handled it. It’s good to see other perspectives. I know his BD was over a year ago but if you only just discovered DB recently then keep plugging away at it. It will get better he will notice. He may just not tell you
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
