Hi Mia. First, I can't imagine the pain of losing a baby or miscarrying. I'm so sorry.
I used the word "toxic" will clarify why I chose that word. Toxic relationships involve:
1. Emotional manipulation (he suggested the 911 call was a manipulation tactic leading you to apologize for doing it; other things you share suggest to me that he is manipulating your emotions, especially by sending you mixed messages like "I want to separate" but also "I want to have sex with you".) 2. Disrespect (You got not meaningful reply from him to your letter, the aggressive behaivor towards you, it sounds like he may be verbally abusive towards you on a regular basis) 3. Control (he blocked you, changed bank account info, separated all aspects of your life, is going everything on HIS terms, seemingly dropping most if not all the childcare on you) 4. Lack of Support (went to counseling, he didn't follow through, takes off for a few days leaving you to do all the care of the kids) 5. Dishonesty (didn't find any examples) 6. Hostile communications (you indicate in your first post you argued alot over 9 years for example; history of aggression ~ 6 years according to your initial post; it sounds like you "saw that violence/agression in his eyes on October 27 (2023?)) 7. Frequent lying (didn't find any examples) 8. All take, no give (you say you beg and cry; he ignores you; you begged him to resume sleeping in your master bedroom, went to his work to beg him to come home; you're friends withe benefits arrangements seems primarily for his benefit) 9. Gaslighting (you say you argue, he gets defensive and throws it in your face; to me, you seem to be taking the blame for many things that I'm not confident you've actually done to him)
This is what I could just quickly find in your initial posts. You say "you haven't said all the things he has done to hurt me (you) and your family in the past 9 years". So, if you're looking for some practical work to do, I wonder if taking this list of characteristics of toxic relationships and adding additional examples you mahy have could be a helpful, practical exercise for you complete in deciding if the facts show the relationship is toxic. From what you've shared, it does seem to me like "chronic toxicity" as you suggest, including some issues while you were dating, over your 9 year relationship. A good IC can help tease this out too.
In terms of practical solutions, I suspect what many of us are hoping is that you'll see our feedback (practically unanimous across a variety of different people) that the situation and details you HAVE given us doesn't seem healthy or safe for you or your kids. I recognize it is difficult when you lack family nearby. Do you have any friends you can turn to for support? As Pattnee suggests, can you get out and build stronger relationships with co-workers, neighbors, parents of other kids in school with your kids, or anyone? Can any family come to you to help, at least temporarily?
For really practical solutions, I recommend buying a used copy of the book The Solo Partner. Each chapter gives you VERY specific things to do to assess your situation and come up with plans within YOUR control, for working on improving your situation.
Again, my intent is to offer this feedback not in judgment or criticism of you or situation. We're all trying to provide the "serious honesty but sincere suggestions" you said you're hoping to receive. It is understandable that it can be hard to hear. You're also correct when you say we don't know ALL the details beyond what you're shared - all we can work with is what you do share.
I want you and your kids to feel safe, loved, and happy. All my advice (and I suspect the advice from many others) comes from there.
