Please someone Help !! Advice suggestions

[DnJ]

Hello Mia

I am sorry to hear about the miscarriage. That’s a bunch more stress piled on you. (((Hugs)))


Practical advice (in no particular order, nor a complete list). And I know you are already doing plenty of these to various degrees. Just encouraging and reinforcing is all.

i dont have a family. not even 1000 kms away.
he doesn't, either.

I’m surmising that your family is still alive, just not close by. Call your Mom and Dad. Build, strengthen, or rebuild that relationship, whichever the case may be.

Cultivate a friendship outside of the marriage. A gal from work, or church, or someone you walk with, etc.

Be aware of your finances. Know all the bills that get paid. All the loans, accounts, investments, and so on. Be a co-owner, an authorized user of those bills and such. If something goes wrong with the TV, phone, internet, or whatever, the company will only speak with the person authorized on the account.

H is living like a roommate. Treat him so. It’s part of the process. Let H do his own laundry and dishes, for example. Back when living with a friend/roommate you didn’t do their laundry.

Be accurate in thought and heart. Act, do, behave, and speak accurately and with purpose. Being accurate allows you more time within your intellectual realm/self. That means more rationalizing, detachment, and making better choices and decisions.

Realize that doing nothing is doing something. At times, ha most times, the best course is to be still. Quash your need to have to do something and/or fix something regarding H.

Focus on you. Live and love your life. This is absolutely critical. H is going to take a while. The more one looks/peeks into the oven, the longer the spouse takes to finish baking.

Also, if you do not shift your focus onto you and the kids, you will not outlast this.

Time and space. This ties into focusing on you and the kids. Give H more than he wants. From what I read, H comes and goes as he pleases. Spend time with you and the family when it suits him. And spends time alone when it suits him. Toss a monkey wrench into that equilibrium. Not in a manipulative or mean way, just focusing on you. For example, you and kids plan to do something, go do it. Sometimes you can ask H if he wants to join and sometimes not. If he says yes or no, matters not, you were going anyhow.

Be H warm or cold, treat him like a roommate. That all helps with letting H feel the loss. H is under the illusion/spell that he wants out. Until he realizes differently there is little chance of him turning about and recommitting to the marriage. Let him go. Let him feel the weight of his choices.

Do not sit upon the shelf as H’s backup plan. That’s not meaning you are going out and partying and such. No, just good ‘ol DBing.

Any idea on time frame? 4 month 5 month 6 month?
what to look for , how to know if my strategy is working ?

How to know if your efforts are in a positive direction?

Things will likely get worse before it get better. H needs to hit rock bottom before he will make sincere and genuine changes.

Oddly, and likely counterintuitively, H’s positive progress will not appear so. He will be moody, sullen, mad, angry, and such.

Do not take on his emotional state. You control you! Be Mia2.0. Provide a safe place for him to land, when he finally figures that out.

Other positive indicators, H will test you and your changes. Ensure you know thy self. Be confident in who you are! (Boundaries are important as well.)

The time frame is a tough call. Everyone is different. I’ve no idea the demons H is battling, nor how predisposed he is to accepting or more accurately not accepting things. That being said, the current situation, H’s behaviour, sleeping arrangements, and such, demonstrates it’s significant and his coping skills are likely subpar. It’s going to be a long road.



Oh, something else I remembered I did. Close the cupboard door gently. Always. You want peace and tranquility, close the cupboard door gently. It is surprising how much one does influence all aspects of their life through the smallest of actions.

Goes for relationships as well. Start with you and let it grow outward.

Have a great evening M.

D