There is no way to determine how long it is going to take for him to wake up. Unfortunately, you are now on his clock, which is running extremely slow.
Here is what I am suggesting...just be yourself. Stop looking to see if your strategy is working. The old saying "a watched pot never boils". Well...that can be applied here. Whatever you do, when working on yourself...those changes that you make have to be for you. They are not to be used as a tool to bring your husband home. Those changes must become permanent. If not, he will see right through your actions and will continue to distance himself.
So, he's warm at times and you warm up and then he's cold and you distance a bit. Rather than doing his dance with him, just continue being that warm person and go on with whatever you are doing. Can you look and treat him as a friend? You need to reduce your expectation level to zero at all times. I know this is extremely difficult and it took me almost 8 months to figure out what the posters were trying to spell out to me, not only in kind words, but 2x4's as well.
When he does chores or does something nice, recognize his efforts and thank him. Please do not point fingers if he fails to do something that he said he would do. The most important steps here are to recognize and validate when they do something right.
One of the hardest things is trying to analyze every move he makes and what you think you need to be doing. Try not to over think things. If something does work do something different. It's a one step forward, two step back situation. You will make mistakes and when you do, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. You are giving him entirely too much rental space in your head. The less you watch him and try to figure out where he is at the moment, the less time you have to enjoy spending time with your children and doing the things that you enjoy in life.
I'd like for you to make a list of the hobbies and things that you use to love to do before you were married or before you had children. That list is going to help you in the days and months ahead because you are going to start doing some of those things that you've stopped doing because life got in the way. If you enjoy reading, pick up a book, if you enjoy taking walks, then start those up again, etc. Now, when you get frustrated, get a pillow and beat the dickens out of it or take a drive and scream at the top of your lungs. Getting the frustrations out of your system will help you along the way as well.
Mia, we are all hear for you. We do understand what you are going through. Even though each life story is different, but we all have come together as a community to pick each other up when we struggle and/or fall. So, please understand, we give advice and sometimes that advice may not apply to your situation, so toss it aside. Other times, we bring out the 2x4's when see a poster hitting the brick wall for the 100th time. However, we will do the best we can in offering advice and support to each and every poster.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
