I’ve no doubts you are doing your best, and I will give you advice and suggestions to the best of my abilities.
............................................................................... ...........................................................lighthouse analogy. Maybe you will too.
Hope you have a good night.
D
Thanks DnJ, I feel like may be I am understood by you ( a bit)
When I first posted here, i had done my homework. I read at least more than 50 posts here, and re-read bunch of MWD books as well.
healing posts, letting go, get a life, work on self, lighthouse, 180 LTR... u name it.
Bottom line of everything is = BE YOURSELF and be Happy about it (Yeah and I get it, is it even natural - not at all, can someone do it, yeah if they have time and energy after using their stamina through pain)
However, applying these in day to day is difficult and takes immense amount of thinking and analyzations. I only wanted some suggestions on how to (if someone may) help me work through my struggles on that, like practically. Not a book written - please heal and focus on your self, kind.
I am in a unique situation (we all beleive we are, but I do firmly speak about the dynamic of mine) and was hoping to know what is right and how to navigate. No , i dont have experience on divorce busting and i wouldn't've been here if my primary focus was NOT to save my marriage. The fact is if people want to just move on from a breakup , they wont come to a "DIVORCE BUSTING" website.
and no, Marriage isnt my primary focus but i wont post here about my kids' recent grades, or how i got the employee of the month award. those are the other areas i am focused on too. My point is " i am already doing the things i am suggested on and am confident about those too " but yeah i want to salvage anything i can, and not make any dumb mistakes ( if i have'nt already) anymore. The reason why i am here is that. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But yes, i wont deny this, i do feel judged here. I was hesitant before writing any post here but i went ahead & did it. when i say police = people here ..read TOXIC. and thats totally false. I disagree to define oneself with how many times cops have been called on them. I know he has aggression/violent tendencies, but he made good steps to over come that too, thats why there wasnt any issues(regarding this) in last 4.5 years.
now i am going to get called for being in denial or being the one who falsely accused him. Like, no !! none of this!
Anyone here, who has even a single member of family even 50 kms close to them, in my situation, would have reached out to their family. or what??? tell me if i m wrong, u have a terrible fight with your husband or wife and tell me u dont walk out of the home, and go to your parents/in laws house, if not, go to a friends home. i dont have a family. not even 1000 kms away. he doesn't, either. u know, calling cops wasnt a choice due to aggression only. there was a lot going on and none of us had support system. And yeah, i lost my pregnancy recently. currently dealing with that too.
================================================
anyhow, this is what i need support answers suggestions for: we are in same house. he sleeps in separate(baby's) room. i sleep with baby in our master bedroom. boys (older two) are in another room. --------------- we share living space and kitchen------------- we share activities as family. i only talk to him when he does and no Rtalks. i am WORKING ON MYSELF too. (emphasizing not yelling ) so people here can read that is happening too !! he is hot/cold. i am trying to only match his energy. if he is warm i am too. when he is cold, i pull back but energy is warm on myside. i am not following the whole, only talk when he initiates bcz i feel like i failed it many times. so i initiate conversations too. AND YES, he is absolutely getting his time and space. as i mentioned before he is barely home , goes in and out according to his pleasure. if he is in his room, no one except our kid knocks his door. if he wants , he joins supper or not. when he wants or feels like he does help in chores. when he watches movies , he decides how he wants it, with fam or not. or in his room, what he drinks and not who knows. he doesnt texts or call anymore, everything in his life is his own free will.
Any idea on time frame? 4 month 5 month 6 month? what to look for , how to know if my strategy is working ? (please guys, dont even call me out for manipulation or gun at his head etc. , all these LTR, Lighthouse, 180 are all strategies.. or 'paths' if u may call it that we take to do our best to salvage and have better odds)
what else needs to be done? or not done? any suggestions, changes advices? I can give more information if needed to get better more pin point advice ( you can ask any questions) , if there is any help/comments that might help my situation, can be made. i really appreciate you taking time in understanding my situation and helping me through it.
i also appreciate all the readers, reading it and giving their opinions and perspective, but needed some genuine, practical and understanding advice about fixing/solving the marriage. not healing( bcz thats already happening on the side too)
Oh, anyone suggesting IC, should know IC is happening, way before we broke up it has been in place, and today isnt the day bomb drop happen either. its been a year i am living in bomb drop each month situation (hence i call it unique). Our marriage therapists , suggested him taking IC sessions, which he did, only 3 times. anyhow i cant control him so i started mine and i dont shy away from it, i take it as needed and do take my therapists advices about my personal growth very seriously too .
PS: sorry if my post sounds frustrated, i promise its not. i am rushing to get kids from school thats all.
