Please someone Help !! Advice suggestions

[Kind18]

So if I would have kept the information about COPS to myself, would it be fine and would I have gotten any advise?
My point here wasn't to get more demoralized or depressed.
I was really hoping to get some serious honest but sincere suggestions.

Did any of u read my post and noticed that HE WAS WANTING TO LEAVE BEFORE THE POLICE SITUATION AND AGRESSION EVER HAPPENED? (Capitalized for only emphasis not to disrespect)

And as a wife or partner , who hasn't called the cops isn't supposed to try to save the marriage. If I would have found this community then, I would have posted that story first.and cops wouldn't even take place.

It's fine to call it toxic.
Or call me seriously co dependant.
Or call him sensible towards children (no sensible person abandons their children btw out of an argument )
Bit sure... its all good to say these things when I haven't really fully undressed our day to day.


These things I kind of know and working on.
It's easier , what harder is to find a solution and help out.
No , wasn't looking for a magic spell.
Was definitely hoping to know in the least what I am doing is right.
I keep coming back to this depressed mindset where it's like , if I admit what I have done wrong people only shame me for that, instead of acknowledging that a person who hasn't done the work on themselves will never fully admit their wrong.

Hi Mia.

This is clearly an emotive response. No-one here is going to be upset by your response, because we’ve all been at bomb-day and felt the wave of grief and helplessness you feel right now. You’re in a really tough spot, and it’s going to be hard for a while yet. We hope it gets better for you soon.

I would however suggest that you think about two things:

1. This is a free bulletin board. Veterans aren’t here for sh*ts and giggles. EVERY poster here has been through what you’re going through, and so to suggest that we are responsible for making you more depressed and demoralised is a pretty long bow to draw. There are posters here with 500, 1000, 5000 and even 10,000 posts - voluntarily giving up their time to help others out for zero personal gain. That’s always worth remembering.

2. This site is all about moving as successfully and quickly as possible towards reconciliation, and if not, helping the LBS rebuild their life, their self worth and confidence. In ALL circumstances, that requires at least some acknowledgement of personal responsibility so that you can see how it shapes your behaviour, and you can change it where required. This site is unlikely to be helpful unless you can accept criticism or strongly worded advice from time to time. Have a read through other threads. I can think of two posters here in the last 12 months - one of them has made excuse after excuse and ignored advice from veterans, but comes back here from time to time and demonstrates they still live a daily train wreck. The other is Pattnee. Pattnee had a few tough love type comments from time to time, but she owned things and wasn’t afraid to be called out on anything. Here she is six months later, and while her marriage isn’t saved, she’s now amazingly strong and grounded and probably 80% emotionally healed from the grief of bomb day.

You can accept everyone here is on your team and that this journey is going to be hard, or you can come here just to hear what you want to hear. It’s your call.

Just to clarify, I had no judgement about you calling the cops. Zero. I agree with SteveLW, it was the right thing to do. My comments about IC and how this is an unhealthy relationship was based on the following comments:

After 1 night, I missed him and i went downstairs to him, begged him to come up. I told him he doesnt have to be in love with me, just stay in our bedroom (physically) Just be near me.

He said, it's just like a friends with benefits concept. I agreed. But deep down I felt hurt.

I wrote him an apology letter after and asked him to hold me accountable for my kistake but unferstand that i was scared too and apart from him i dont have a fanily and feeling safe and 911 wasn't a choice of manipulation, but was only out of overwhelming hormones and vulnerable situation.

It’s not a criticism, so please don’t take it that way. In my most humble opinion, these comments demonstrate co-dependency issues and your fastest way forward is to work on you with an IC. You can make lots of progress very quickly by working on you. You can making very little progress very slowly by trying to work on him.

Best of luck.

[Pattnee5]

I’m sorry Mia that you feel the advise has come across the wrong way. Everyone on here is on your team. We have been in your shoes. We feel your pain. Believe me when I say everyone on here is closer to knowing what you are going thought than any family or friends that haven’t walked these same shoes. We all made a million mistakes, and a million more, letters, crying, begging taking blame for anything and everything even if it’s not our fault. Pleas Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s bad enough that H is being cruel to you, there’s no need to be cruel to yourself. Just try and turn the focus back on you and some self love and healing. Counselling is great early on. Getting on here and reading other stories, other advice helps. You are absolutely right no sensible person abandons their children but you aren’t dealing with a sensible person right now. He needs to go and do the work on themselves. We all have WAS that have done some crazy rubbish. I don’t even recognise mine after 21 years. He’s about to move to the other side of the world and leave his teenage kids at a time they need them the most. No amount of begging crying from the kids, or even family health issues have changed his mind.
Please just real all the advice and take it that it comes from a good place and amazing people that know exactly how it feels, how it hurts and what it’s like for people to judge you and your decisions

[MrP]

Hi Mia. I will sound like a broken record at this point. My feedback would have been the same whether you shared information about the police or not. I largely set that to the side and focused on H's behavior towards you and your children. My intent is not to criticize or judge you. As several other people on this forum are saying, we 1) have been in situations similar to yours 2)felt similar pain and hopelessness and 3)try to offer one another comfort, support, and feedback we think may help. There are several great recommendations in this thread. I especially recommend finding an individual counselor and working your way out from there to determine help your children may need. There is the cliche advice about this being similar to what we're told to do on a airplane: first, get your own oxygen mask on and then help others around you. You deserve some time to practice significant self-care. The situation will be significantly harder if you focus on your H instead. Pursuing him is only going to drive him away and turn him off.

[job]

Mia,

We are all fixers and want to fix the relationships that we have had with our spouses/partners. We can't. They have to fix themselves as we did not break them. We all come here looking for that magic potion that will wake our spouses/partners up...but there isn't a potion to be had. It takes time, patience and distance from their problems for them for them to figure themselves out. The more we are in their faces, the longer it takes for them to come to the realization that we were not their problem, but something that happened to them long ago has surfaced and needs to be resolved within themselves.

We all come here, we get advice that we don't necessarily like, but at the end of the day, the advice comes from a place of love and understanding and knowing that we have walked many miles along the way and yes, we have walked in your shoes. Family and friends do not understand and until they have walked in your shoes and/or experienced what you are going through, they will not understand.

Please find a counselor that will work with you. Do not suggest couples therapy right now because he's not ready to truly open up, listen and do the hard work. You, on the other hand, are.

Trust the system here. Do what works and if something isn't working, try something else. However, I strongly urge you not to pursue him. Just leave him in God's hands for now. Give him all of the space and time he needs. If he comes around, be friendly, but no relationship talks. Do not ask him a lot of questions. Give him the floor...let him do the talking. Do not give him any advice. If you invite him over to see the kids, fine...but if he declines, so be it.

Keep the focus on you and your children. Right now, the children need you to be there for them. Listen to them and reassure them that you will always be there for them.

Mia, you are a strong woman. Listen to what the posters are saying. We all have made mistakes along the way and that is why we are offering up the lessons we have learned along the way. Again, trust the system. It will work. Now turn the wheel of your car over to God and allow him to do the driving on your path. Time and digging deeper for patience will help you along the way. Keep that focus on you!

[MiaRob]

I’ve no doubts you are doing your best, and I will give you advice and suggestions to the best of my abilities.

...............................................................................
...........................................................lighthouse analogy. Maybe you will too.

Hope you have a good night.

D

Thanks DnJ,
I feel like may be I am understood by you ( a bit)


When I first posted here, i had done my homework.
I read at least more than 50 posts here, and re-read bunch of MWD books as well.

healing posts,
letting go,
get a life,
work on self,
lighthouse, 180
LTR... u name it.

Bottom line of everything is = BE YOURSELF and be Happy about it (Yeah and I get it, is it even natural - not at all, can someone do it, yeah if they have time and energy after using their stamina through pain)

However, applying these in day to day is difficult and takes immense amount of thinking and analyzations. I only wanted some suggestions on how to (if someone may) help me work through my struggles on that, like practically.
Not a book written - please heal and focus on your self, kind.

I am in a unique situation (we all beleive we are, but I do firmly speak about the dynamic of mine) and was hoping to know what is right and how to navigate. No , i dont have experience on divorce busting and i wouldn't've been here if my primary focus was NOT to save my marriage. The fact is if people want to just move on from a breakup , they wont come to a "DIVORCE BUSTING" website.

and no, Marriage isnt my primary focus but i wont post here about my kids' recent grades, or how i got the employee of the month award. those are the other areas i am focused on too. My point is " i am already doing the things i am suggested on and am confident about those too " but yeah i want to salvage anything i can, and not make any dumb mistakes ( if i have'nt already) anymore.
The reason why i am here is that.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But yes, i wont deny this, i do feel judged here.
I was hesitant before writing any post here but i went ahead & did it.
when i say police = people here ..read TOXIC.
and thats totally false. I disagree to define oneself with how many times cops have been called on them.
I know he has aggression/violent tendencies, but he made good steps to over come that too, thats why there wasnt any issues(regarding this) in last 4.5 years.

now i am going to get called for being in denial or being the one who falsely accused him.
Like, no !! none of this!

Anyone here, who has even a single member of family even 50 kms close to them, in my situation, would have reached out to their family. or what??? tell me if i m wrong, u have a terrible fight with your husband or wife and tell me u dont walk out of the home, and go to your parents/in laws house, if not, go to a friends home.
i dont have a family. not even 1000 kms away.
he doesn't, either.
u know, calling cops wasnt a choice due to aggression only. there was a lot going on and none of us had support system.
And yeah, i lost my pregnancy recently. currently dealing with that too.

================================================

anyhow,
this is what i need support answers suggestions for:
we are in same house.
he sleeps in separate(baby's) room.
i sleep with baby in our master bedroom.
boys (older two) are in another room.
--------------- we share living space and kitchen-------------
we share activities as family.
i only talk to him when he does and no Rtalks.
i am WORKING ON MYSELF too. (emphasizing not yelling ) so people here can read that is happening too !!
he is hot/cold.
i am trying to only match his energy.
if he is warm i am too. when he is cold, i pull back but energy is warm on myside.
i am not following the whole, only talk when he initiates bcz i feel like i failed it many times. so i initiate conversations too.
AND YES, he is absolutely getting his time and space. as i mentioned before he is barely home , goes in and out according to his pleasure. if he is in his room, no one except our kid knocks his door. if he wants , he joins supper or not.
when he wants or feels like he does help in chores.
when he watches movies , he decides how he wants it, with fam or not. or in his room, what he drinks and not who knows. he doesnt texts or call anymore, everything in his life is his own free will.

Any idea on time frame? 4 month 5 month 6 month?
what to look for , how to know if my strategy is working ?
(please guys, dont even call me out for manipulation or gun at his head etc. , all these LTR, Lighthouse, 180 are all strategies.. or 'paths' if u may call it that we take to do our best to salvage and have better odds)

what else needs to be done? or not done? any suggestions, changes advices? I can give more information if needed to get better more pin point advice ( you can ask any questions) , if there is any help/comments that might help my situation, can be made. i really appreciate you taking time in understanding my situation and helping me through it.

i also appreciate all the readers, reading it and giving their opinions and perspective, but needed some genuine, practical and understanding advice about fixing/solving the marriage.
not healing( bcz thats already happening on the side too)

Oh, anyone suggesting IC, should know IC is happening, way before we broke up it has been in place, and today isnt the day bomb drop happen either. its been a year i am living in bomb drop each month situation (hence i call it unique).
Our marriage therapists , suggested him taking IC sessions, which he did, only 3 times. anyhow i cant control him so i started mine and i dont shy away from it, i take it as needed and do take my therapists advices about my personal growth very seriously too .


PS: sorry if my post sounds frustrated, i promise its not. i am rushing to get kids from school thats all.

[job]

Mia,

There is no way to determine how long it is going to take for him to wake up. Unfortunately, you are now on his clock, which is running extremely slow.

Here is what I am suggesting...just be yourself. Stop looking to see if your strategy is working. The old saying "a watched pot never boils". Well...that can be applied here. Whatever you do, when working on yourself...those changes that you make have to be for you. They are not to be used as a tool to bring your husband home. Those changes must become permanent. If not, he will see right through your actions and will continue to distance himself.

So, he's warm at times and you warm up and then he's cold and you distance a bit. Rather than doing his dance with him, just continue being that warm person and go on with whatever you are doing. Can you look and treat him as a friend? You need to reduce your expectation level to zero at all times. I know this is extremely difficult and it took me almost 8 months to figure out what the posters were trying to spell out to me, not only in kind words, but 2x4's as well.

When he does chores or does something nice, recognize his efforts and thank him. Please do not point fingers if he fails to do something that he said he would do. The most important steps here are to recognize and validate when they do something right.

One of the hardest things is trying to analyze every move he makes and what you think you need to be doing. Try not to over think things. If something does work do something different. It's a one step forward, two step back situation. You will make mistakes and when you do, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. You are giving him entirely too much rental space in your head. The less you watch him and try to figure out where he is at the moment, the less time you have to enjoy spending time with your children and doing the things that you enjoy in life.

I'd like for you to make a list of the hobbies and things that you use to love to do before you were married or before you had children. That list is going to help you in the days and months ahead because you are going to start doing some of those things that you've stopped doing because life got in the way. If you enjoy reading, pick up a book, if you enjoy taking walks, then start those up again, etc. Now, when you get frustrated, get a pillow and beat the dickens out of it or take a drive and scream at the top of your lungs. Getting the frustrations out of your system will help you along the way as well.

Mia, we are all hear for you. We do understand what you are going through. Even though each life story is different, but we all have come together as a community to pick each other up when we struggle and/or fall. So, please understand, we give advice and sometimes that advice may not apply to your situation, so toss it aside. Other times, we bring out the 2x4's when see a poster hitting the brick wall for the 100th time. However, we will do the best we can in offering advice and support to each and every poster.

[DnJ]

Hello Mia

I am sorry to hear about the miscarriage. That’s a bunch more stress piled on you. (((Hugs)))


Practical advice (in no particular order, nor a complete list). And I know you are already doing plenty of these to various degrees. Just encouraging and reinforcing is all.

i dont have a family. not even 1000 kms away.
he doesn't, either.

I’m surmising that your family is still alive, just not close by. Call your Mom and Dad. Build, strengthen, or rebuild that relationship, whichever the case may be.

Cultivate a friendship outside of the marriage. A gal from work, or church, or someone you walk with, etc.

Be aware of your finances. Know all the bills that get paid. All the loans, accounts, investments, and so on. Be a co-owner, an authorized user of those bills and such. If something goes wrong with the TV, phone, internet, or whatever, the company will only speak with the person authorized on the account.

H is living like a roommate. Treat him so. It’s part of the process. Let H do his own laundry and dishes, for example. Back when living with a friend/roommate you didn’t do their laundry.

Be accurate in thought and heart. Act, do, behave, and speak accurately and with purpose. Being accurate allows you more time within your intellectual realm/self. That means more rationalizing, detachment, and making better choices and decisions.

Realize that doing nothing is doing something. At times, ha most times, the best course is to be still. Quash your need to have to do something and/or fix something regarding H.

Focus on you. Live and love your life. This is absolutely critical. H is going to take a while. The more one looks/peeks into the oven, the longer the spouse takes to finish baking.

Also, if you do not shift your focus onto you and the kids, you will not outlast this.

Time and space. This ties into focusing on you and the kids. Give H more than he wants. From what I read, H comes and goes as he pleases. Spend time with you and the family when it suits him. And spends time alone when it suits him. Toss a monkey wrench into that equilibrium. Not in a manipulative or mean way, just focusing on you. For example, you and kids plan to do something, go do it. Sometimes you can ask H if he wants to join and sometimes not. If he says yes or no, matters not, you were going anyhow.

Be H warm or cold, treat him like a roommate. That all helps with letting H feel the loss. H is under the illusion/spell that he wants out. Until he realizes differently there is little chance of him turning about and recommitting to the marriage. Let him go. Let him feel the weight of his choices.

Do not sit upon the shelf as H’s backup plan. That’s not meaning you are going out and partying and such. No, just good ‘ol DBing.

Any idea on time frame? 4 month 5 month 6 month?
what to look for , how to know if my strategy is working ?

How to know if your efforts are in a positive direction?

Things will likely get worse before it get better. H needs to hit rock bottom before he will make sincere and genuine changes.

Oddly, and likely counterintuitively, H’s positive progress will not appear so. He will be moody, sullen, mad, angry, and such.

Do not take on his emotional state. You control you! Be Mia2.0. Provide a safe place for him to land, when he finally figures that out.

Other positive indicators, H will test you and your changes. Ensure you know thy self. Be confident in who you are! (Boundaries are important as well.)

The time frame is a tough call. Everyone is different. I’ve no idea the demons H is battling, nor how predisposed he is to accepting or more accurately not accepting things. That being said, the current situation, H’s behaviour, sleeping arrangements, and such, demonstrates it’s significant and his coping skills are likely subpar. It’s going to be a long road.



Oh, something else I remembered I did. Close the cupboard door gently. Always. You want peace and tranquility, close the cupboard door gently. It is surprising how much one does influence all aspects of their life through the smallest of actions.

Goes for relationships as well. Start with you and let it grow outward.

Have a great evening M.

D

[Ready2Change]

I am horrible at remembering everyones details, so I focus one post, as if everyone reading can possibly apply it to their world.

this is what i need support answers suggestions for:
but needed some genuine, practical and understanding advice about fixing/solving the marriage.

[quote=MiaRob]
what to look for , how to know if my strategy is working ?

I tell most that they are using the wrong measuring stick if they are looking for changes in their spouse. The true measuring stick is reflecting on each encounter and seeing if you behavied the way you wanted. Perfect example is when yelling was your old behavior. You decide not to do that anymore. You might feel like it, but you make a decision from several other options instead. That is how you know it is "working". You canged behavor to the way you wanted. You changing the way you interact forces the relationship to change.

what else needs to be done? or not done? any suggestions, changes advices?

Us men are simple creatures. I would focus on accentuating the sexual difference. Do things that allow him to feel his masculine engery. Dress nice, look nice, smell nice. Not really for him, but for you. You will feel good, and he will notice. Keep making positive changes to your behavior. Again, this is when you interact with everyone else (including him).

In each area of our lives, most of us have subconsious patterns of behavior. I learned to question everyone of mine and learn to behave at both extremes as well as places inbeteen as needed.

Example: Intoverts need to learn to be extroverted and extroverts need to learn intoverted behaviors.

[MrP]

Hi Mia. First, I can't imagine the pain of losing a baby or miscarrying. I'm so sorry.

I used the word "toxic" will clarify why I chose that word. Toxic relationships involve:

1. Emotional manipulation (he suggested the 911 call was a manipulation tactic leading you to apologize for doing it; other things you share suggest to me that he is manipulating your emotions, especially by sending you mixed messages like "I want to separate" but also "I want to have sex with you".)
2. Disrespect (You got not meaningful reply from him to your letter, the aggressive behaivor towards you, it sounds like he may be verbally abusive towards you on a regular basis)
3. Control (he blocked you, changed bank account info, separated all aspects of your life, is going everything on HIS terms, seemingly dropping most if not all the childcare on you)
4. Lack of Support (went to counseling, he didn't follow through, takes off for a few days leaving you to do all the care of the kids)
5. Dishonesty (didn't find any examples)
6. Hostile communications (you indicate in your first post you argued alot over 9 years for example; history of aggression ~ 6 years according to your initial post; it sounds like you "saw that violence/agression in his eyes on October 27 (2023?))
7. Frequent lying (didn't find any examples)
8. All take, no give (you say you beg and cry; he ignores you; you begged him to resume sleeping in your master bedroom, went to his work to beg him to come home; you're friends withe benefits arrangements seems primarily for his benefit)
9. Gaslighting (you say you argue, he gets defensive and throws it in your face; to me, you seem to be taking the blame for many things that I'm not confident you've actually done to him)

This is what I could just quickly find in your initial posts. You say "you haven't said all the things he has done to hurt me (you) and your family in the past 9 years". So, if you're looking for some practical work to do, I wonder if taking this list of characteristics of toxic relationships and adding additional examples you mahy have could be a helpful, practical exercise for you complete in deciding if the facts show the relationship is toxic. From what you've shared, it does seem to me like "chronic toxicity" as you suggest, including some issues while you were dating, over your 9 year relationship. A good IC can help tease this out too.

In terms of practical solutions, I suspect what many of us are hoping is that you'll see our feedback (practically unanimous across a variety of different people) that the situation and details you HAVE given us doesn't seem healthy or safe for you or your kids. I recognize it is difficult when you lack family nearby. Do you have any friends you can turn to for support? As Pattnee suggests, can you get out and build stronger relationships with co-workers, neighbors, parents of other kids in school with your kids, or anyone? Can any family come to you to help, at least temporarily?

For really practical solutions, I recommend buying a used copy of the book The Solo Partner. Each chapter gives you VERY specific things to do to assess your situation and come up with plans within YOUR control, for working on improving your situation.

Again, my intent is to offer this feedback not in judgment or criticism of you or situation. We're all trying to provide the "serious honesty but sincere suggestions" you said you're hoping to receive. It is understandable that it can be hard to hear. You're also correct when you say we don't know ALL the details beyond what you're shared - all we can work with is what you do share.

I want you and your kids to feel safe, loved, and happy. All my advice (and I suspect the advice from many others) comes from there.

[SteveLW]

Mia, we have had a few LBWs here that no matter how horrible their WAHs are treating them will defend them and get angry anytime anything negative is posted about them

We had one LBW here a few years ago whose husband cheated on her, left her, but kept coming back to have sex with her. She allowed that even after the OW had a death in her family and he was listed as her SO in the obituary! She also took great offense to him being referred to as a lying cheater.

I say all that to say that as a longtime poster my advice to women like that has not gone over well. Maybe the problem is me so I will bow out now and let others that are better at this dynamic than I am offer advice. Maybe it's my own bitterness causing me to not understand a woman whose husband is walking away, causing serious strife in her life for over a year, why she would still hold on with both hands for dear life. My only mistake was working so hard to provide, sometimes up to 100+ hours a week, and the accompanying grumpiness that goes with that, yet my wife was ready to kick me to the curb. (We eventually worked through it, I DB'd my butt off, and even through IHS we are today still together and happier than we've ever been.)

I sincerely hope you both are able to turn it around and fix things. As I said before, there are awesome people here that have helped many many LBSs, whether they were able to save their marriages or not. God bless you and best of luck.