So if I would have kept the information about COPS to myself, would it be fine and would I have gotten any advise? My point here wasn't to get more demoralized or depressed. I was really hoping to get some serious honest but sincere suggestions.
Did any of u read my post and noticed that HE WAS WANTING TO LEAVE BEFORE THE POLICE SITUATION AND AGRESSION EVER HAPPENED? (Capitalized for only emphasis not to disrespect)
And as a wife or partner , who hasn't called the cops isn't supposed to try to save the marriage. If I would have found this community then, I would have posted that story first.and cops wouldn't even take place.
It's fine to call it toxic. Or call me seriously co dependant. Or call him sensible towards children (no sensible person abandons their children btw out of an argument ) Bit sure... its all good to say these things when I haven't really fully undressed our day to day.
These things I kind of know and working on. It's easier , what harder is to find a solution and help out. No , wasn't looking for a magic spell. Was definitely hoping to know in the least what I am doing is right. I keep coming back to this depressed mindset where it's like , if I admit what I have done wrong people only shame me for that, instead of acknowledging that a person who hasn't done the work on themselves will never fully admit their wrong.
Hi Mia.
This is clearly an emotive response. No-one here is going to be upset by your response, because we’ve all been at bomb-day and felt the wave of grief and helplessness you feel right now. You’re in a really tough spot, and it’s going to be hard for a while yet. We hope it gets better for you soon.
I would however suggest that you think about two things:
1. This is a free bulletin board. Veterans aren’t here for sh*ts and giggles. EVERY poster here has been through what you’re going through, and so to suggest that we are responsible for making you more depressed and demoralised is a pretty long bow to draw. There are posters here with 500, 1000, 5000 and even 10,000 posts - voluntarily giving up their time to help others out for zero personal gain. That’s always worth remembering.
2. This site is all about moving as successfully and quickly as possible towards reconciliation, and if not, helping the LBS rebuild their life, their self worth and confidence. In ALL circumstances, that requires at least some acknowledgement of personal responsibility so that you can see how it shapes your behaviour, and you can change it where required. This site is unlikely to be helpful unless you can accept criticism or strongly worded advice from time to time. Have a read through other threads. I can think of two posters here in the last 12 months - one of them has made excuse after excuse and ignored advice from veterans, but comes back here from time to time and demonstrates they still live a daily train wreck. The other is Pattnee. Pattnee had a few tough love type comments from time to time, but she owned things and wasn’t afraid to be called out on anything. Here she is six months later, and while her marriage isn’t saved, she’s now amazingly strong and grounded and probably 80% emotionally healed from the grief of bomb day.
You can accept everyone here is on your team and that this journey is going to be hard, or you can come here just to hear what you want to hear. It’s your call.
Just to clarify, I had no judgement about you calling the cops. Zero. I agree with SteveLW, it was the right thing to do. My comments about IC and how this is an unhealthy relationship was based on the following comments:
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After 1 night, I missed him and i went downstairs to him, begged him to come up. I told him he doesnt have to be in love with me, just stay in our bedroom (physically) Just be near me.
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He said, it's just like a friends with benefits concept. I agreed. But deep down I felt hurt.
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I wrote him an apology letter after and asked him to hold me accountable for my kistake but unferstand that i was scared too and apart from him i dont have a fanily and feeling safe and 911 wasn't a choice of manipulation, but was only out of overwhelming hormones and vulnerable situation.
It’s not a criticism, so please don’t take it that way. In my most humble opinion, these comments demonstrate co-dependency issues and your fastest way forward is to work on you with an IC. You can make lots of progress very quickly by working on you. You can making very little progress very slowly by trying to work on him.
