Please someone Help !! Advice suggestions

[SteveLW]

So if I would have kept the information about COPS to myself, would it be fine and would I have gotten any advise?
My point here wasn't to get more demoralized or depressed.
I was really hoping to get some serious honest but sincere suggestions.

Did any of u read my post and noticed that HE WAS WANTING TO LEAVE BEFORE THE POLICE SITUATION AND AGRESSION EVER HAPPENED? (Capitalized for only emphasis not to disrespect)

And as a wife or partner , who hasn't called the cops isn't supposed to try to save the marriage. If I would have found this community then, I would have posted that story first.and cops wouldn't even take place.

It's fine to call it toxic.
Or call me seriously co dependant.
Or call him sensible towards children (no sensible person abandons their children btw out of an argument )
Bit sure... its all good to say these things when I haven't really fully undressed our day to day.


These things I kind of know and working on.
It's easier , what harder is to find a solution and help out.
No , wasn't looking for a magic spell.
Was definitely hoping to know in the least what I am doing is right.
I keep coming back to this depressed mindset where it's like , if I admit what I have done wrong people only shame me for that, instead of acknowledging that a person who hasn't done the work on themselves will never fully admit their wrong.

This was why I was afraid to really respond to your post, because with you putting up roadblocks (saying you didn't want suggestions of toxicity), that being truthful with you would cause you to become upset, stop posting, etc.

First of all, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG IN DIALING 911! Nothing! Please get that out of your head. Most men can physically kill most women with their bare hands. Anytime a male domestic partner is aggressive, threatening and makes the female DP feel unsafe, 911 SHOULD be called. That women usually feel at fault after calling 911 for a domestic dispute is something I will never understand. You have nothing to apologize for: to him, to us, to yourself, to anybody!!

Secondly, you mention a couple of things that I find striking. You say you wish hadn't mentioned the incident. You ask if we noticed that he wanted to leave before the incident. BUT, you also shared this:

"There has been 2x times when he was been agressive and cops were called 2x by bystanders ( not to me directly, but throwing things, smashing walls etc).cops interviewed us. Asked me to press charges. I didnt. We called it off. This was all during the 2nd year of our dating."

That is THREE incidents. And that is THREE different people (you and 2 other bystanders) that have called 911 on this man for getting threatening and aggressive with you. 1 time, okay, everyone makes a mistake. 2 times is of concern. 3 times forms a pattern.

I think you and the bystanders are in the right here. You all did the right thing and I think this guy has some serious anger issues that need to be addressed in IC. Unfortunately, we (including you) do not get to make that call. He controls him and only he can seek help.

I'll tell you a story about my good friend L. L had an incident with her boyfriend when they were dating. He got physical with her. This was a dealbreaker for her and she left him. He begged, pleaded, told her he was sorry, said he was getting helped. Talked her into getting back together. A couple of years went by. They got married. 2 years into marriage he got physical with her again and almost choked her to death. Notice, this was only the second incident in 5 years, but she realized that her life was at risk by staying with him, and she divorced him (after getting a restraining order). A man that shows this capability RARELY improves without counseling. In fact, it tends to worsen over time.

Now you asked what advice you'd get if you hadn't shared these aggression details, so I will honor your wish.

Mia, I am sorry you are here, but I am glad you found the forum! You will find good folks here that want to help and want to see nothing but the best for you.

My advice to you? Get a life like a madwoman. Every minute you aren't being the best mom that you can be, you are busy with hobbies, with hanging out with friends, with reestablishing old friendships, and forging new ones. GAL should become your #2 goal in life after being a mom.

Second? Get into individual counseling. Work on self-improvements. Work on being the best version of yourself that you can be! Become a woman only a fool would leave. The best improvement you can do at this point is to work through IC on your codependence. It is unhealthy. You mention you "know that he is YOUR person". This is a fallacy. The truth is that there are many persons out there that you are compatible with. One of the key ways someone is your person is that they love you and want to be with you. Accept that he doesn't want that right now and move forward with your life. Remember, IC, self-improvements, becoming the best version of yourself that you can be!

Third, and this one works to break your codependence as well, is to learn how to be happily and healthily emotionally detached from your WAH. That means you find happiness inside of you! That means that if he were totally out of your life today, that you could move forward with your own life and not only survive but thrive. We live in an imperfect world. Not only can people choose to leave, but accident and disease can take someone out of our lives. That means we have to be able to cope, to move forward, and to continue to thrive after someone is no longer in our lives. This doesn't mean you can't be sad, but it does mean that you cannot be paralyzed by fear and depression.

The thing about this advice? It removes all of the focus off of him and puts it onto you. Your life's happiness is no longer tied up into one person, but tied up into you and what you do! You set yourself up for success in your next relationship, whether that is with him or someone else! Let go of the rope, let him go, and you go find joy and peace in your own life.

Now here is the rub. If you do the above, for you and no one else (especially him), sometimes the WAS will get curious as to why you are different and will be interested in being part of the changes. Sometimes not. We don't get to choose that. But letting go, focusing on you through GAL, 180s (self-improvements) and emotional detachment has a much better chance of getting the WAS to question what they are doing than holding on for dear life!

So stop what has brought you to this current point and implement the above. Save yourself! In doing that sometimes the marriage comes along for the ride. Sometimes not. But either way the above advice will get you through to the next phase of your life.