Please someone Help !! Advice suggestions

[DnJ]

Hello Mia

Mia, remove your road blocks. There are some difficult suggestion and viewpoints you need to hear…

cant remove roadblocks until he gives me opportunity for them, for example: if he doesn't give me time of his day, i cant show him how i have learned not to react or resolve conflict in healthy manner.
i am doing best as i can though.

I’ve no doubts you are doing your best, and I will give you advice and suggestions to the best of my abilities.

What I meant by road blocks was blocks on your path towards your healing and wholeness. The road blocks being stating what folks can and cannot respond about. I believe you deserve the best information you can get; anything that runs counter to that is less helpful. True, at times, some information sounds harsh and is difficult to hear and accept.

Mia, you are the most important person in this equation. Do realize that. Everything here is first and foremost for you. We post and we care about you. Honest. (((Hugs)))

So if I would have kept the information about COPS to myself, would it be fine and would I have gotten any advise?

Speaking for myself, yes. You would have still received my advice.

Calling 911 was a one time thing. And H is holding it over you. If it wasn’t that, he’d have found something else. No need to beat yourself up over that.

I do wish to clarify, are you pregnant? You said that you are expecting.

I hope no one judges me here plz

Mia, this is a safe place. You are among those who truly understand and empathize what you are going through. Every poster here has an incredible story of bomb drop and strife and such. And near 100% of the posters, eventually, have an even more incredible story of healing and thriving.

When I made my first post, I was so full of trepidation. I was so terrified of being judged. Terrified of the shambles my life and marriage was in. My W’s bomb drop was on the nuclear end of the spectrum, and I had absolute faith in her. So, her poisonous words and behaviours really got to me, and I had some very serious doubts about myself and my situation.

You’ve made the first posts. You took that first scary step. Believe me, we are here for you.

In your letter to H you mentioned:

…i want to make it work and am ready to put an effort to whatever it takes

I can't take his fear away but I am ready to build trust and whatever it takes.

Whatever it takes.

It takes time. It takes letting go. It takes embracing the path.

I want to honor my vows, work on myself, get a chance to fix and rebuild what got broken and apply what i learned.

Excellent!

Honor your vows. Work on yourself. Apply what you learn. And be patience. Dig deep for patience.

We are pretty much fixers. However, like I said it’s highly counterintuitive, it’s not really about fixing. It’s about outlasting this, doing your inner work, hopefully having H turn around, and building a new and better relationship.

You’ve got the gift of time. Use it wisely.

there's got to be things i could do to jumpstart this process in hopes of reconciliation. Even if reconciliation takes time, and patience. But at least where some odds can be in my favor.

There is always hope. Where there is love, there is hope.

Do not try to jumpstart the process of reconciliation. Too much pressure and H will bolt. Time and space are your best allies in your efforts.

You want H, at some point in the future, to realize that “Hey, Mia hasn’t been bothering me for a while now and I’m still unhappy”. Then with some luck he’ll consider that “hmmmm, maybe she’s not the cause after all”. And with even more good fortune, H will look inward for his unhappiness and start to actually address things.

Out of that scenario, you can only control your part. That’s giving time and space, being mostly pressure-free, implementing boundaries, focusing on you and the kids, GAL, and so on. Basically, living and loving your life. And letting H run to catch up to you.

Oh, by the way, you don’t have to worry about how do I show H my new and improved self. Just live it. Just shine. Because, in truth, and in the end, you aren’t really doing it for him.

Have you read the lighthouse story yet? It’s one of the links in the welcome post. I really like the lighthouse analogy. Maybe you will too.

Hope you have a good night.

D