I don’t see a fast solution here. There’s some pretty appalling behaviour from both sides.
What you have is not a marriage. It’s an unhealthy relationship borne out of his sense of obligation towards children, and your extreme co-dependency issues.
I think you need some pretty involved IC. You need to forget this marriage for now, get yourself to counselling (perhaps with a copy of your first post) and work on you. There’s so much to unpack here psychologically - and if that’s not done, any reconciliation or improvement in your marriage will only be temporary.
You really need to do that self discovery process of learning who you are and building self-love and respect for a year or two before you’re even in a position to decide if this relationship should be saved.
As others have said, you need to leave him alone. Anyone who comes back to a relationship with a virtual gun to their head is just building more and more resentment.
