Married.(dated 4 years, married 5) Seperated under one roof. He is the WAS. 1 kid together. 2 from my previous marriage.
Background:
We argued alot during our 9year relationship. Each time, he'd take an exit route. He'd say " we are done. I am out. I dont want us anymore " but we would come together. It became such a norm. (i wasnt aware of the whole attachment theory back then) He is most probably an avoidant. And this was his coping mechanism. Anyways. Last year after an argument, he blocked me.changed all his bank information etc. Separated each and all aspects of our lives. He didnt came home for 2 nights/days. I begged and cried. Tried to contact him through our kid's phone. He totally ignored me. Again i wasn't aware of the anxiousness in relationship. This push and pull dance of avoidant and anxious. I went to his work and begged him to come home for the sake of kids. He denied seevral times.but Eventually he caved in and gave me a deadline that he only will stay till christmas and then move out. Long story short he ended up staying after christmas and on januray 23 2023 we re-did our vows. He unblocked me and everything went back to normal marraige. We ordered our marriage certificate. Kind of reset.
I suggested marriage counselling, he agreed (i thought this was a good step but unknowingly i was self sabotaging as him being an avoidant i should have known it probably pressurized him even more ) may be too soon.
Marriage counselling didnt help. Anything the therapist said , he either denied or agreed but never provided explanation. Therapist gave us tons of good ideas. He would start it at home but stop before the idea could do its work.
So from the time he came back in November 2022 till oct 2023, everytime we got in a conflict he'd get defensive and throw it in my face " i never wanted to be here anyhow, you begged me to come for kids, i am not in love with u etc etc "
Fastforward, August 2023 he asked me that he wants us to separate on good terms . This time i agreed. I said ok sure. He moved in the basement and i stayed in our bedroom. After 1 night, I missed him and i went downstairs to him, begged him to come up. I told him he doesnt have to be in love with me, just stay in our bedroom (physically) Just be near me.
He hemmed and hawed. But eventually he did it. We were emotionally separate, except we were still sleeping together (having sex) and he would always put a disclaimer out there that its only cuz we both need it , nothing love related. He said, it's just like a friends with benefits concept. I agreed. But deep down I felt hurt. besides our arguments were less but with the same "I came for kids not you or any love " in my face. But to keep my marriage intact, I tried .
October 27 2023, we had drinks (Had an amazing time togetehr he even said i love u to me) we Were a bit tipsy, we went to our bedroom and he got aggresive, i got scared(theres a history of agression from 6 years ago). I asked him to stop , he eventually stopped, but by then i was scared and humiliated and somehow overwhelmed, I dialed 911. I regretted it as i dialed. But now it was dialed already and the cops had to come and do their job. They came asked questions from both of us separately. We answered and they didnt have any concerns bcz they understood i have dialed it in an overwhelming sort of situation . I had my hormones all haywire cuz i had also found out i was expecting (that day i did a test).
They left and asked us to seperate for that night. Like they do, in any domestic call.
I moved out for that night. And stayed at the nearby hotel. I came back the next morning and clearly he thinks i used 911 as a manipulation tactic (which swear to god i didn't . I hope no one judges me here plz because this thought that let me put him in trouble or ahow him what its like didnt cross my mind. I dont have any family here frineds or anyone. I dialed them and literally told them i am arguing with my husband ). I apologized to him for the part i played and i admit full heartedly that calling 911 wasn't the smartest move. I wanted him to understand my situation and scare too. I wrote him an apology letter after and asked him to hold me accountable for my kistake but unferstand that i was scared too and apart from him i dont have a fanily and feeling safe and 911 wasn't a choice of manipulation, but was only out of overwhelming hormones and vulnerable situation. But he didnt. Infact said, he hasnt done anything at all.
And that was it. He said we'll seperate moving towards divorce. He took his ring off after and told basically everyone he knows that how he was a victim of a wife who called the cops to manipulate him. Which isnt even the truth. I also wrote him a letter and accepted , took accountability of what i did, how i did and how it was wrong of me to do. I wrote that i was expecting at the time. I mentioned i want to make it work and am ready to put an effort to whatever it takes...n once and when he is ready. I can't take his fear away but I am ready to build trust and whatever it takes.
He read my letter. Gave me no reply. He just texted that " thank u for putting an effort to write in the letter" . Didn't even consider that I am expecting or acknowledge that at all. --------‐-----------------------------------------------‐--------------------------- From my perspective:
The stress i had for a whole year about what ill do might make him leave etc etc each day every day, had to take a toll on me one day, and i was bound to make a mistake. Not that i am justifying that bringing in law enforcement was granted, just saying that i am a human being too and i am also allowed to make a mistake if i am overwhelmed , scared or stress. Or all toegtehr.
And i feel like , he now can use this as a big excuse to leave.
Because he wanted to leave even before too.. also before, whenever i asked or our therpist asked him, whats are the things i might be doing wrong or things i could change, his answer would be " she is a perfect wife a perfect mother nothing really, just that we dont get along"
And to me he would say, "I am not in love with u. We dont get along. See it doesnt work" But nothing concrete And now , he has a big huge reason..
Back story on agression : There has been 2x times when he was been agressive and cops were called 2x by bystanders ( not to me directly, but throwing things, smashing walls etc).cops interviewed us. Asked me to press charges. I didnt. We called it off. This was all during the 2nd year of our dating. 3 months later we get back again and i told him he needs to work on it. He apologized. I forgave him hoping he will work, he didnt got violent aft3r but rather shut us out. And instead, he would stonewall or shut completely. Or just deattach.
7 years later i saw that violence/agressiion in his eyes on oct27 again, and i got worried. Not that, he end up doinganything but what if he would have. I dont know. It was preventative on my end and on his end i broke his trust. It all also happen when we both were so vulnerable.
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Currently:
Help is needed bcz I am trying to bring him back on board. Tried no contact. Doesn't work as great as we live in same house. Seperate rooms. Have a kid together.
I dont know what to do. We don't talk much just kids related. I have been trying to warm to him. And mostly working on myself (that's how I found out about mine and his flaws and I am fully responsible for mine and working on them too. ) he is barely at home Mostly at work (that's what he says) I dont think cheating is a factor here. We go out as a fanily for kids and he is just detached.
I am sorry for long post guys. Thanks for reading. I don't want to make more mistakes. I just want my family back together. We had such good times too. I dont know why conflicts just ate us up... 😐😑😕 Help me plz. There's gotta be something I can do. (Yeah I have read books ) Just need to know practically how to deal with this... Like in day to day. ( please no suggestions on If we are toxic xyzzz, I know he is my person and deep down we both are amazing people and we have had good times alot of them too, I feel like this is a very rocky phase since a year for sure bcz we were progressing well.. its like it was slow, but wasn't going worse )
Thank thank thanking u all. Help me save my marriage. Plz.
