Today was a bittersweet day for me. Started out the morning getting things done that still need worked out around home before I can sell the house and move. Went by W's grave site to leave fresh flowers and some markers for Christmas. I took my S15 who is autistic and doesn't understand why the house is now empty of anyone else. He hasn't been here since before this happened.
I'm still working on cleaning up some account issues. Things I didn't keep access to because they got worked out between us each month. I needed to get into W's google account so I could reset passwords to login's for power / water / etc. When I did this though, it resynced our accounts which hadn't been setup for a couple years now. Her photo album uploaded to my phone. All the dirty the pictures she'd been taking for OM dropped into my stuff. Went ahead and went through it to clear it back out so I don't have to face it down the road again. While I was at it I decided to take it the distance. Reset logins for FB, tiktok, and instagram to close things out so I wouldn't have to get reminders for years to come. It was a bitter process but its behind me now. In the end it probably needed done because OM has had the class to post on W's FB page a couple times and try to reach out to my oldest kids who are completely disgusted.
But at the end of the night, in the face of grief and anger, I logged on here and re read posts supporters make and have managed to remind myself. The actions and choices of others in my life have not defined me. I could not control her from her hurting herself or choosing these paths. People in our lives carry hurt and in some cases are not capable of love in the way it is meant to be experienced. My anger from this last year will fade. I will heal. I refuse to let someone else's failure rob me of my ability to experience joy. I'm going to live my life. And I damn well intend to enjoy it.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
