Well, I'm glad I came to the board about the Christmas Eve plan because W unexpectedly asked me about the plans last night. I responded as advised here and she seemed confused, but I held my approach and she agreed. (The confusion was around why I would be at my parents' home - "Do they not want to come over?" I didn't do a great job but simply responded, "I have plans to be there for the evening". My concern is that part of her long-held resentment in the MR is that I choose my FOO over hers, and she may see this as a furthering of that dynamic.)
So in keeping with the theme of being prepared: I have no plans to give W a Christmas gift this year. This is part of my 180, because the old me would have kowtowed with presents as a show of what a great husband I am during a time of crisis. Now I can see that giving gifts is not appropriate given the revelation of the PA, her continued actions, etc. However I am also trying to be positive/optimistic/fun/attractive as a person, and not giving a present on Christmas can seem vindictive or mean.
For those of you who have been in a similar situation, how did you handle it? I am considering approaching her and saying "Let's make this Christmas all about the kids, no gifts are necessary between you and me." Or do I say nothing? I have an inkling that she is getting me something.
