Thanks all for the advice. I told her "I can't make it, but you go and have a great time" and that was the end of it. She was a bit sulky and short all evening but I was upbeat and had a great time with the kids.
I have a question about my general approach. As a refresher: my W has behaved in a wayward way for 3 years and finally confessed to a brief 3 year old affair in Sept; I asked for a D; we didn't speak much for weeks; she continues to go out but doesn't stay out as late; Friday she came home drunk and said mean things to me about me not being attractive, how she doesn't care if I sleep with other people, etc. She's done this before many times. She never wants to talk about the R when sober and I don't bring it up, focusing instead on my 180s and GAL. When we're together I am upbeat and engage, but briefly. We don't go out together because I am giving her space/dropping the rope/opening the cage door. But she does invite me out, as she did for the dinner discussed above.
The divorce that I am hoping to bust is the one I asked for, and while I want to remain a cohesive family unit I am unwilling to keep living the way we have for the past three years. The DB process advocates patience. How long do I wait to see what impact my changes will have?
My changes are primarily emotional. I have been far too codependent and put my MR too much at the center of my life. When I first caught wind of things going south 2 years ago it was panic-inducing but I have since built my own life away from the MR. I no longer allow her snipes and needling to bother me, and I walk away when she is drunk and mean. The relationship is clearly unhealthy and my rational brain knows it cannot continue, but the fear of loss is still there.
I think you're doing the right thing. 180, GAL, etc are the correct moves.
I will add one word of caution, although I don't think it applies to your sitch.
For a month after W BD'd me, I did all the things we're supposed to do (GAL, acting 'as if', being upbeat, etc, etc). My W responded by being much more kind, helpful, etc. She would ask to have friends over to hang out, we got along better than we had in years. DB was working great right? Wrong.
After a month or so of that, and me thinking that we're on track to repair the M, she handed me paperwork about asset division, custody schedules, etc that she discussed with her L. I was shocked. When I pointed out to her how well we've been getting along and stuff, her reply was "I have been really happy the past month. A huge weight is off my shoulders. And since you've seemed really happy, I figured we were both on the same page in moving ahead with the divorce'.
Again, your sitch is different, and obviously all the 180s, GAL, etc are designed for YOU, not her. But the reason we're all here is 'divorce busting'. I just wonder if there's some type of balance between DB techniques, yet still letting it be known that you're still committed to saving the M.
I'm just rambling and not making much sense. lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
As a refresher: my W has behaved in a wayward way for 3 years and finally confessed to a brief 3 year old affair in Sept; I asked for a D; we didn't speak much for weeks; she continues to go out but doesn't stay out as late; Friday she came home drunk and said mean things to me about me not being attractive, how she doesn't care if I sleep with other people, etc.
So after 3 years of presenting your best self this is how you are treated. What would you say to your son if you witnessed this behavior from his w for 3 years?
Originally Posted by Maturin
The relationship is clearly unhealthy and my rational brain knows it cannot continue, but the fear of loss is still there.
This fear of loss is going to be there until you face it.
So after 3 years of presenting your best self this is how you are treated. What would you say to your son if you witnessed this behavior from his w for 3 years?
To be fair, I have only been approaching my best self for around 6 months. During the past 2-3 years I would make changes but backslide often, which usually meant being controlling and critical of her behavior. "You're acting like you're single" etc. Very "her" focused, not me focused. It finally clicked about 6 months ago that I need to change myself.
Originally Posted by Boat14
This fear of loss is going to be there until you face it.
Thanks, do you have any thoughts on how best to do that? I'm looking for ways to face it every day. Yesterday I found myself really down in the dumps and feeling hopeless, but by the evening I was much more optimistic about whatever the future holds. I do think these swings are a part of processing the sitch and facing the fear of losing my W and my family as I've known it.
To be fair, I have only been approaching my best self for around 6 months. During the past 2-3 years I would make changes but backslide often, which usually meant being controlling and critical of her behavior. "You're acting like you're single" etc. Very "her" focused, not me focused. It finally clicked about 6 months ago that I need to change myself.
I think you are being too hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting your W to act single while married to you. What is wrong is how you handled it.
Originally Posted by Maturin
Thanks, do you have any thoughts on how best to do that? I'm looking for ways to face it every day. Yesterday I found myself really down in the dumps and feeling hopeless, but by the evening I was much more optimistic about whatever the future holds. I do think these swings are a part of processing the sitch and facing the fear of losing my W and my family as I've known it.
I would start by listing your fears and how rationale they really are.
One positive that has come out of this process for me is that I am more in tune with and aware of the idea of a higher power, a general plan, things happening for a reason, etc. I've noticed that on very bad days, the universe seems to send me a signal that I'm on the right path. I got one such signal yesterday.
I had a rough morning. Difficulty focusing on work, doubting if the approach I am taking to the MR is the right one, flooding thoughts about W's PA, worry for my kids, a realization that W and I haven't been close for years - it was a bummer day. Over the weekend I had ordered the book The Art of Resilience by Ross Edgely and it arrived in the mail yesterday afternoon. I opened the package and flipped the book to a random page. On that page? The story of Admiral James Stockdale and the Stockdale Paradox, which I first read about on these boards. It was like the universe slapped me on the side of the head and said, "Maturin, keep your focus and don't get distracted by your emotions. Keep taking action and you will prevail."
I don't know how this ends for me and I likely won't know for some time. But no matter how difficult it gets I have faith that I will prevail, and I will be ok.
Now a question for you folks. W has decided to host some of her family at our home on Christmas Eve; my family will be elsewhere. My gut is telling me that I do not attend the event at our home - after all, I am detaching. W has not come to the table about anything regarding the PA, continues to get drunk and be disrespectful, etc. How do I tell her that I am not attending Christmas Eve without sounding spiteful or vengeful? I know her reaction will be "You're just doing this to punish me" and/or "You're being a baby about this." I am of the mind to say "Hey, for Christmas Eve I'll take the kids to my parents for a while and then drop them here for dinner. I'll be home later in the evening." and leave it at that.
I am of the mind to say "Hey, for Christmas Eve I'll take the kids to my parents for a while and then drop them here for dinner. I'll be home later in the evening." and leave it at that.
I agree with Boat. It sounds like you may also want to prep for her potential reaction, I'd recommend reviewing the validation cheat sheet post and picking options for how you *might* respond like:
1. I can see how it would feel that way (or another version of "I understand/hear you"). 2. It sounds like you're feeling flustered (or another verb that most accurately describes what you're observing). 3. I can understand why you would be upset.
And, sometimes the best response is no response of course. Let her vent and keep focused on what's best for you and your kids.
I am of the mind to say "Hey, for Christmas Eve I'll take the kids to my parents for a while and then drop them here for dinner. I'll be home later in the evening." and leave it at that.
Perfect. Who cares what it sounds like to her.
Certainly Maturin shouldn't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Christmas Eve is usually hosted at our house, and I will be bowing out in similar fashion. I did the same for Thanksgiving. The only thing I regret is that I won't share these meals with the boys like I used to.
W seemed somewhat surprised that I didn't choose to attend Thanksgiving. For Christmas Eve, she informed me that she would do the dinner as usual, but said, "I don't know if it will be uncomfortable for you with my parents there."
Of course, this is the main reason I won't attend. Mentally, I was thinking, "Your parents have stopped acknowledging that I am alive and are treating your AP like a son-in-law. Why on earth should I be uncomfortable with that?"
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
