Bitter Pill

[Bunches]

She was gorgeous and adventurous. She had a sweet streak. She was a care giver which showed in most of her days as a nurse of 13 years. She could be goofy when she could relax. She liked to have fun and laugh. She loved college football. But most of all she loved our kids. She enjoyed hiking, kayaking, fishing.... a true boy mom, and I don't mean she liked to do these things with just the kids. She'd do them with whoever. She loved to read books and take naps in hammocks. She loved the ocean and dreamed about retiring near the waterfront somewhere someday. She had a smile that lit up the room. I loved taking pictures of her even though she hated most of the pictures because she was so critical of herself. She loved animals and would collect them even though when they became too much work she'd wish she hadn't. She dreamed of big families and belonging to a huge crowd. She made friends so easily with everyone and had a dark sense of humor when she felt comfortable with you.

She was afraid... of how she looked to others and what other people knew about her. It was years into being together before I knew she had a drug problem. As a nurse she had too easy an access to pain meds in hospitals and other health care fields. She had been diagnosed once with Borderline personality disorder and it was suggested by our counselor that she suffered from a sex addiction. The closer you became to her and the more you knew about her the less she could stand to face you. She sought chaos when things were too comfortable. She looked for validation with people that didn't mean anything to her because they were safe and couldn't hurt her. She'd been hurt by an older brother and an uncle as a young girl and carried pain that she just couldn't face.

When we went to counseling earlier on she couldn't be honest with the counselor so she said it was pointless to go. She'd say, if she couldn't be honest with them there was no point in taking to them and spending money on their time. She wanted to get better but couldn't take the steps necessary.

She was so smart but it was impossible to get her to admit things she didn't like about life or convince her she needed anybody. She used to live for our family and our kids but the older they got the less she seemed to feel needed by them. Several months back I remember her telling me our 10 year old boy was the only thing keeping her here and that if it wasn't for him she thought she'd just end it all. I don't think she'd have ever done it on purpose, but she was ashamed of choices she'd made and who she let herself be at times.

Several months ago she wrote me a letter "I know I love because I don't have the ability to look at you and say things that hurt. It's literally impossible for me to stand there and look at you and say things that I know won't go well." She could never have a serious conversation with me face to face. Emotions ran so high for her that she'd simply shut down and not talk. She could write pages of letters or send the longest text messages or emails but not be able to sort out what she wanted to say otherwise. She was hurting so much toward the end that she was taking more and more Oxy just to get the euphoria and not feel anything. I confronted her months ago and she was going to get clean, it seemed like it had stopped but she was home less and less so I should have known.