You are correct, W has a lot of work to do, and needs to find, feel, and demonstrate a good dose of true remorse. That takes a lot of time and space for her to find.
A big part of DB is what are you doing during this time? Good divorce busting is you living your best life. Being busy. Moving forward. Letting her run to catch up. If/when she chooses to.
DB certainly has some influence upon our spouse, yet it’s more influencing/altering ourselves. How we interact, what we’ll put up with and/or no longer put up with. Knowing one’s convictions; the real core ones. Not the hill you’re willing to die on, the bigger one you’re willing to live for! Dying for one’s beliefs is easy, standing and living for them is yes, difficult; and very much worth it.
Originally Posted by Maturin
My intuition is to say no. I want to tell her, "That sounds fun and I would love to go, but I won't spend time with someone who spoke to me the way you did on Friday." How does that sound? I can see her reaction in my mind now: she'll bristle, tell me I'm too uptight, roll her eyes, and probably say something mean.
I think you have her reaction spot on if you said that. And that confrontation is not very helpful.
A word on boundaries. You seem/sound to be utilizing them in an effort to change W. Boundaries are for you. To protect your mental and emotional health. They are not a tactic, nor a mechanism to manipulate or alter or control or coerce W’s behaviour.
From the above, bringing up her conversation from Friday as a reasoning for today’s behaviour from you is not a boundary. Boundaries are about timing too.
Boundaries are your predetermined action you will enact when W behaves disrespectfully. Action you will enact then and there. Not in some attempt to get her to change, or even to get her to stop. It is to remove yourself from her disrespectful behaviour.
Most who have boundaries enforced get it and alter their behaviours accordingly. Of course, they will test and run against that rock solid wall a few times just to see if there are any cracks or weakness.
Originally Posted by Maturin
Now, boundaries question. It goes without saying that I will not be in a MR or any R with someone who talks down to me the way she did last night. I would like to tell her, "Listen, I won't be spoken to the way you talked to me last night." But as others have said, boundaries are actions. So is the right move to just say nothing, and next time leave the bed to sleep elsewhere? I am trying to walk the path of positive, confident, and disengaged husband.
A few thing/thoughts:
“Not being in a relationship” boundary is too broad and far reaching. Narrow it down to more specific behaviour and specific enforcement. Also, you have kids and likely will be in a relationship with her for a good long while. So, you are going to need better accurate language to flesh out your boundary. (My XW tossed me and the kids aside like trash. With me having sole custody and such, XW and I had and have zero relationship.)
Boundaries are about actions. Yet, one should, and usually does, state the boundary beforehand. As you know, and as your IC has advised, don’t have meaningful and/or important conversation with W when she is drunk, angry, or otherwise emotionally compromised. In fact, the best time to clearly state your boundary is when the iron is cold, not in the heat of the moment. When the iron is glowing hot, is when you follow through with your actions, as words seldom permeate such an emotional fog.
“Listen, I won't be spoken to the way you talked to me last night." I’d alter this to make it less confrontational and clearer.
Something like:
W, when you are inebriated and/or angry, like Friday night, you speak rather disrespectfully towards me. I do not deserve such treatment and will no longer tolerate it. Going forward, when you attack and disrespect me, call me names, try to berate me, and so on, I am simply going to end the conversation.
I’m pretty sure, she will test your resolve. Be strong. Remove yourself from her vicinity when you can when she starts up like that. Now, some late night, her jumping upon you, tirade is a difficult one. Do not make it habit or common pratice for you to leave the master bedroom. You might have to go get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, leave her while you watch some TV. Yet basically, ignore her BS, roll over and go to back to sleep. She can use the couch.
Waking hours have more options and it is easier to remove oneself from such antics.
Hang in there M.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
