Trying to understand sitch a bit more -- did she ever express interest in doing things with you post-bomb? In going out post-bomb? In being a party animal with you? In having weekend outings or dates with you? Baby sitter? Or no effort to connect/reconcile on her end and just party cougar mode as if you didnt exist?
For a couple of weeks post bomb she was very sad, sorry, and showed signs of wanting to connect. However at the time I told her D was happening, and I was very angry. At one point she did schedule a sitter so we could attend a party together, but I declined. We then slipped into a pattern of not speaking for weeks and she became more angry. Eventually we got to where we are now, where she is going out again and feeling more like a victim. I actually think the last couple weeks of me being positive, confident and happy around her (and not mopey) has impacted her, and it's why she was so cruel on Friday. She is testing me more/harder.
Originally Posted by bustorama
Also, what are you doing to better yourself physically and how are things in that department? Working out? New clothes? Physically building yourself back up if you have been complacent there often reaps huge dividends emotionally. And she'll like it too (Frank Thomas)
I am in very good physical shape and have been our entire relationship. I spend time lifting, running, hiking, etc. In fact one of the justifications she gave for her A was that when S2 was young I was out training for half marathons, and she felt that was unfair. The self-improvement I am focused on is emotional: not being needy, not getting my sense of value from my MR, etc. I've been working on that for 2 years and do feel I've made a lot of progress, though there is more work to be done.
Originally Posted by bustorama
Do you all mutually own the house or rent it? There are legal consequences vis-a-vis property and custody of leaving the home, so I would not do that without consulting your family law attorney. When's the last time you checked in with them? They may have good ideas on how to achieve separateness without compromising yourself.
We own, with ~50% equity at this point. Have not checked in w the attorney since OCt, will do that.
Originally Posted by bustorama
Or that there is something else more compelling to her than whatever modicum of respect she has for you (Alcohol Addiction (I'm serious here -- is it possible she has a drinking problem)? OM? Fantasy fun/MLC escape from 3 kids and adulting? EA w/female friend meaning she gets all her connection from friends if she cant get it from you). But the more she chooses the other over you with no consequence, then the less respect you keep.
Her alcohol problem is significant. Not a daily drinker but certainly a binge drinker and her identity is closely tied to being the "party girl". She has often told me she felt she was losing herself to being just a wife and mom and the party was the escape. Don't think there is OM at the moment but I didn't think there was OM 3 years ago either. Regardless she has developed an attitude that H=boring/uptight/controlling and the fun is elsewhere.
Originally Posted by bustorama
4. Re: W saying DONT BE CONTROLLING. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE. She is right. With boundaries, you dont tell her to do or not do anything. She can party all day and all night if she wants.
You just let her know if she does that, then you just wont be able to abide it anymore and that you will have to progressively withdraw yourself -- until you are completely out. Cause you cant be in a relationship with someone who acts single. Doesnt work for you. But, she can keep doing whatever she wants. Just without you -- in all senses. Where is your real fence? Tend it.
I have been using progressive boundaries for ~6 months, so even before DB or DDay. We have not gone out together in a very long time as a result, because I told her previously that the way she spoke to me was not ok (a few time while out she disrespectfully told me to go home and relieve the sitter which had previously not been agreed). And this is where I become frustrated: the more I remove my time and attention using progressive boundaries, the more distance is created and the less connection of any kind. She does not seem to care that I'm not around while she's drinking, but when she gets home she always wants to wake me up and spew the anger.
W is a very stubborn person on the surface but I know she is sad and scared deep down. But I'm also concerned that the more I withdraw the more she will enjoy the space, taking the attitude of "whatever, forget him". This is the risk of the DB process but also the only path for someone in my shoes.
I spent time GAL over the weekend but found myself pretty down in the dumps last night (I didn't let the W see this, I was having fun w my kids and playing some music). I know this road will get harder before it gets easier and there are going to be a lot of bad days in the meantime. My W just seems like a totally different person than she was five years ago: no soft side, only a hard edge all the time. From an outsider's standpoint I'm sure it seems crazy to want to bust this D/save the marriage because anyone who witnessed the way she spoke to me Friday would tell me to run for the hills, but it's my family.
