Bust et.al., thank you so much for the depth and thoughtfulness of your replies. There is so much to unpack and respond with, and I will. Right now I am logging in to describe last night which I believe to be a typical representation of my MR right now and hopefully helpful in understanding my sitch.
W went to a party and came home early, before 10. I had a great night w the kids and all of us were asleep when she got home. W is drunk, wakes me up bc she lost her keys and demanded my help in getting them back. Based on the advice I've read/rec'd here I did not engage, said she could deal with it tomorrow. She then started in with a very angsty, angry diatribe on how I am her problem, everyone is ganging up on her, she feels like she is going crazy, etc. I validated ("That sounds very tough; I know you are going through a lot right now") and told her I would be happy to discuss with her in the morning. My IC recommends no R talk while she is drunk.
This angers her more. She gets on top of me to "get my attention" so to speak and tries to initiate with kissing etc. I don't take the bait and playfully tell her its time to go to bed. She gets more angry and tells me no one wants to sleep with me, that she isn't attracted to me, that she doesn't care if I sleep with other people, and more. I'll leave the details out but suffice to say she's never been quite as cruel as she was last night. I stayed positive, told her I am happy to talk but things are now very complicated. Her response: "we're not getting D, the only way I agree is if I keep the house and 100% custody". She tells me I am overreacting to the A, that she didn't even like the AP, etc.
This morning I did not bring any of it up. No request to talk about the R, etc. I left her to solve her lost keys problem and will spend the rest of the weekend with friends.
Now, boundaries question. It goes without saying that I will not be in a MR or any R with someone who talks down to me the way she did last night. I would like to tell her, "Listen, I won't be spoken to the way you talked to me last night." But as others have said, boundaries are actions. So is the right move to just say nothing, and next time leave the bed to sleep elsewhere? I am trying to walk the path of positive, confident, and disengaged husband.
You don't have to necessarily sleep somewhere else. But a simple "I won't be spoken to that way" then walking away is the best. It demonstrates that you will leave rather than be spoken to like that.
In 90% of cases when your return the behavior will be improved.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
