New User - My Story

[bustorama]

Trying to understand sitch a bit more -- did she ever express interest in doing things with you post-bomb? In going out post-bomb? In being a party animal with you? In having weekend outings or dates with you? Baby sitter? Or no effort to connect/reconcile on her end and just party cougar mode as if you didnt exist?

Let's say she ever expressed interest in something like that, think about your plans would be if the two of you ever were to start again in the future.

Also, what are you doing to better yourself physically and how are things in that department? Working out? New clothes? Physically building yourself back up if you have been complacent there often reaps huge dividends emotionally. And she'll like it too (Frank Thomas)

1. If I am truly serious about detaching, then I should be exploring separate living arrangements.

Do you all mutually own the house or rent it? There are legal consequences vis-a-vis property and custody of leaving the home, so I would not do that without consulting your family law attorney. When's the last time you checked in with them? They may have good ideas on how to achieve separateness without compromising yourself.

2. If my boundaries have been violated repeatedly then I am married to someone who has zero respect for me

Or that there is something else more compelling to her than whatever modicum of respect she has for you (Alcohol Addiction (I'm serious here -- is it possible she has a drinking problem)? OM? Fantasy fun/MLC escape from 3 kids and adulting? EA w/female friend meaning she gets all her connection from friends if she cant get it from you). But the more she chooses the other over you with no consequence, then the less respect you keep.

Or maybe she is unaware where your boundaries are because they are not adequately enforced.
Telling someone you have a boundary does not mean you have a boundary. If you told your neighbor there was a non-negotiable, immovable, and IMPENETRABLE 100 foot wall covered with spikes and hot lava between your driveways, so she BETTER not take it as a shortcut. But she can still freely drive her car back and forth across your 'imaginary wall', is there a wall there?

How likely is she to stop taking the shortcut if you look the other way every time she takes it. Cause I mean you already told her there was a wall there. So why hasn't she stopped?


3. How about -- if I violate my own boundaries repeatedly, then I am not respecting myself?

You wrote earlier that one of your boundaries is, "I will not be in a relationship with someone who is acting single." Seems she is still acting single if she is going out each weekend without ever inviting you. But, you still seem to be in a relationship with her? You are legally married. You share a home and frequently a bed. You have shared finances. What else do you share?

I don't marry, live in the same home, sleep in the same bed, or buy drinks for people I am not pursuing a relationship with. When you progressively enforce boundaries, you go from the mildest withdrawals of yourself to the most profound as the boundary keeps being violated.

I don't know where you are in your progressive boundary matrix or how you see these hierarchically

Filing for divorce
No Contact
U Moving out
W moving out
separate bedrooms (no shared marital bed)
not being sexually intimate
limiting one-on-one time
limiting family time
not sharing your feelings/emotional intimacy
splitting finances
no shared holidays
no shared birthday celebrations
others? what else valuable about yourself do you keep freely giving away to her

4. Re: W saying DONT BE CONTROLLING. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE. She is right. With boundaries, you dont tell her to do or not do anything. She can party all day and all night if she wants.

You just let her know if she does that, then you just wont be able to abide it anymore and that you will have to progressively withdraw yourself -- until you are completely out. Cause you cant be in a relationship with someone who acts single. Doesnt work for you. But, she can keep doing whatever she wants. Just without you -- in all senses. Where is your real fence? Tend it.

She still has parts of you. even though you told her there was a wall there.

And she keeps driving back and forth.