Hi Boat. I've got to practice with the quoting function; you gents are masterful users of it. That'll be a goal as I approach creating a new thread. Yes, my situation is likely to NOT end up in MWD's "Divorce Busted" sub-forum.
Regarding cheeseless tunnels, that particular tunnel is one I've not gone down since 2018/19. I only share it as context for why experience leaves me cautious about what Chris Rock used to call the "representatives" we meet when dating vs. the person we see later in relationships.
From what our MC said, it is less about what other women see and rather the filters that W applies to how W interprets what others (beyond me) say and do. The trauma she experienced, combined with social anxiety, leads W to get very anxious about how people perceive her and how she perceives our motivations. It leads to trouble with emotional regulation too. Things that aren't a big deal for most people are a huge deal for W. W struggles to either 1) express clearly what she wants or 2) eventually explode after ruminating. Our MC directly told W that W needs to more clearly communicate about what she wants and what her expectations are. I could go on but it would read like a textbook on trauma and anxiety (plus menopause and MLC - fun times).
My understanding is that W still finds me attractive and is struggling to manage "life" overall right now. Life was simpler when she lived alone. And, as I may have mentioned at one point, when I asked W how much of this was about only having to parent in person 50% of the time, she just looked down at her feet. Maybe it is mind-reading or making assumptions but it confirmed for me an observation that W has been overwhelmed with parenting, especially as D13 (who is quite smart) challenges "because I said so" types of directives from W.
Yes, I went back and forth about how to frame my comment about the prevalence of mental health and trauma in the population these days. I work for a world-renowned medical center. Something like 1-4 people have mental health issues and it is likely higher because of the stigma associated with disclosure. Among my female colleagues and co-workers, there sadly has been a high level of sexual harassment and assault across their history that leaves some mental health challenges or trauma mark. So, when I think about dating down the road, I wonder what I may encounter.
Fighting for my marriage right now is all about me and how to maintain new, good habits and behaviors I've established. It is also about tuning up areas where I misstep like saying too much in the conversation the other day. It is also about being a great dad. Lastly, it is also about showing W that we aren't going to continue to engage in things that didn't work, even if we get a D. And that leads to ways I'm trying to channel my alpha.
For example, I've mentioned W and my mom don't see eye-to-eye. When W disparages or speaks discourteously to me about my mother, I enforce a boundary. I've told W that I'm happy to have productive conversations about my W. I will not participate in disrespectful ones. Last time W started to go off, I stated that it seemed like a bad time to talk and that I'd welcome a conversation when we can do it more civilly. I'm not going to re-litigate old, resolved issues either. Solutions, future-focused only. I left the room. W came back later, apologized, we talked through what happened, W apologized and the behavior hasn't been repeated.
