When the A came to light and your W's crap partying behavior continued, how did you communicate that you were not ok with either of these and that she was still crossing your boundaries? How did/do you act to enforce that it does not work for you to be in a relationship with a WAW doing these things?
At the time I told her I wanted a D and that no more drinking/partying was to happen at the house. She has respected that. She is still going out occasionally and I have not re-iterated the boundaries, primarily because we just weren't speaking much before I discovered DR. Frankly my attitude was "I have communicated these boundaries many times and she continues to violate them, I am focused on moving on."
Originally Posted by bustorama
In the past, say month, how many times has she kept crossing your boundaries vis-a-vis the partying behavior or other core violations of your marital boundaries? Not acting like the wife you need her to be? What are the natural consequences or outcomes of her doing so?
In the past month, I'd say once per weekend she is ignoring the family in favor of drinking w others. The natural consequences are that I have removed my time and attention as a husband, but I sense that this is actually nice for her: the monkey is off her back, so to speak.
Originally Posted by bustorama
I asked you what you needed her to do in order for you to begin to regain trust in her. You shared that you would need to see earnest change on her part.' and also that she [recognize how harmful her behavior has been and have complete remorse over the A]. How did you tell her this? Is she doing these things daily?
I have not told her this. I have not articulated a path towards reconciliation for her and at this point I don't know that it would be productive. In the weeks following the bomb I asked her two simple questions about the A and she refused to answer, saying that it would not help. If she can't/won't answer a basic question right now I don't see how setting ground rules for R makes sense. Can you help me with that? My W really, really does not want to "talk" about anything and bristles when I attempt to bring anything up. While that's been a challenge I have made progress: I am no longer afraid of her reactions and can move beyond her bad attitude more quickly now.
Originally Posted by bustorama
Do you have a boundary of something like, 'i will not be in a relationship with someone who does not respect my boundaries or acts to keep or regain my trust'? (If not, why not?) What is she doing right now to try to regain your trust in these ways? What natural consequences does she experience when she daily does not act the way you need her to in order to begin to regain your trust?
My boundary even prior to DR was "I will not be in a relationship with someone who is acting single". This was even before I found out about the A and only had suspicions of inappropriate behavior. When I said this in the past W would always respond that I was being controlling and needed to back off "and let me live my life". In keeping with the DR process I am looking for baby steps and I will say that she is not staying out as late or being directly disrespectful. The natural consequences she is experiencing are that I am not spending time with her, going out with her, or attending functions with her. I think this is a little embarrassing for her but it has not changed her behavior significantly.
Originally Posted by bustorama
She is cake eating if she expects you to be around slicing up prime rib on Xmas Eve with her family and without your family while she continues her wayward behaviors that led to this estrangement. Don't butcher yourself and your boundaries.
W, as much as I would have loved to spend the holidays with you and your family, I can't go there. Because I wouldn't be being honest with myself when you keep not doing the things I need you to do to begin to regain my trust. I have other plans to spend time with my family on Christmas Eve, and I am looking forward to spending time with the kids these holidays. Let's come up with a schedule around that.
