Good morning Boat. I hope you had a good evening. I hear you. I do.
At face value, option 2 is more appealing. There are no guarantees in either scenario. I thought I'd "screened" W quite thoroughly over the 4-5 years we dated and knew each other through work. What I ultimately found is that W pretty effectively masked her 1) social anxiety and 2) unresolved traumas involving a childhood issue as well as a relationship immediately before ours. I should add that this isn't me mind reading or making assumptions. Years ago, these things surfaced during some MC we did, and as I've shared what is happening with my IC. Hindsight is 20/20 so I can look back and say that what seemed like minor red flags at the time now were the tips of larger icebergs, floating below the surface. Even close friends and family acknowledge not having foreseen issues.
I share these details to illustrate why, to me, option 2 isn't a clear winner. I've not had issues attracting/meeting women. As our MC told W and me in 2019 "Most women that come into my office would love to have a partner like (INSERT MY NAME)". I'm still a work in progress but generally have a good handle on what contemporary research and relationship experts (MWD, Gottman, Johnson, Tatkin, etc.) advise related to building and maintaining good relationships.
Even with all the tools one acquires to better evaluate potential partners, the risk of ending up trading one set of baggage for another is greater than 50% IMO. More people seem to have ongoing mental health issues or residual trauma these days. And, as MWD suggests, I know what I'm up against with W, we're tethered to one another for life thanks to D13, and I agree with MWD that (absent domestic violence, drugs, etc.) marriage is worth fighting for, even if I can only work on me (which pays off either way). I can give this some additional time and, to SteveLW's point, see value in having a date by which this needs to be resolved if I'm not satisfied with where I'm at.
It seems like there are a few mini-communities under the DB umbrella: MWD purists, DBers with more of a religious slant, and DBers who believe in what I'm going to call DBing "alpha male style". I'm sure I missed another sub-culture or two. Each of these seems to have value as a potential approach/solution. We have to pick what we think works best for us. I've found a mix of pure DBing with a dash of alpha male work for me. Again, please keep on pushing me, asking provocative questions to challenge myself, and offering your perspectives. It is one of the parts of this community I get the most out of and for which I am most grateful to each of you.
