2nd Time Around

[SteveLW]

SteveLW - I see what you mean. It felt like a short interaction to me (because I had a toothbrush in my mouth LOL), probably under 60 seconds. I agree it didn't need to go on that long. I made sure to end the conversation first and leave the room. I don't fee it was a negotiation. I'm going to do what I choose, irrespective of what W wants or her logic.

Regarding her confidence in whether to D, she's been sitting on moving forward for over 3 months. Lots of MLC behavior. Acting on impulses, perhaps getting a tat, lamenting what life could've been, blaming me for our not having more kids, regularly noting she's getting more gray hairs, and more. She wants stress and obligations she attributes to me off the table. She believes life will be easier if she only has to worry about herself and only about D13 50% of the time (W has acknowledged this part about D13 - they butt heads often). W has also said she's not sure what the right thing to do is.

I offer empathy and validation while getting out of the way as much as possible. I am moving forward "as if" the D is happening. For example, I'm touring potential housing options today. I do appreciate the perspectives you're offering, Boat and Steve.

MrP, most WASs,and WSs in particular, are horrible about follow thru. I truly believe that most WASs do not want to be the "bad guy". They drag their feet on D hoping their LBS grows weary of limbo and does the dirty work of actually filing for D.

In fact, we see on this board that a lot of the LBSs end up being the one to file. Enough time goes by, the WAS hasn't really changed. They are still out being a single person, or remaining in their affair, etc. So finally after the LBS has endured months, sometimes years of limbo, they are the ones to go file. I am a proponent on this board of setting a drop dead date. I did that in my own situation. "If she is not fully committed back to the MR by X/X/XX, then I will go file for divorce." I did that. I chose 1 year after BD. (In case you didn't know, my situation resolved and we reconciled, and are together still to this day.)

3 months is a literal drop in the limbo bucket. Remember, marathon NOT a sprint.

Steve - It would help me if you could give me examples of where you see me mindreading, assuming her motivations, or taking words at face value. Yes, I do wonder why W is doing or saying what she's doing at times. However, I know I also can't trust all or most of what she says or does right now. MLC is driving the bus and MLC is going to go on off-ramps, drive headlong into traffic, and might even just pull off on the side of the road to use the restroom. Who knows!

Here:

Hi Boat - Thanks for the question. Actually, yes. W can have impulse control and emotional reactivity issues at times. The decision to explore D this time was in response to ongoing in-law issues with her and my mom. Since then, W has been waffling about D. I think W has also been testing the waters to see how it feels. With my detaching, GALing, and so forth, my opinion is that she is seeing that her issues still exist even when I'm not there to pin them on. It seems like classic MLC stuff to me with a dash of menopause thrown in to further push emotions all over the board. W has even said "I'm not sure what the right decision is" at one point.

Pretty much this whole post is an example of 1, 2 and/or all 3 of those things I suggested you are doing. It is nothing to deny. We all did it early on (and yes, 3 months is early on). When you come to this site and make a post about how you are out GAL, working on your 180s, and barely or not at all mention your WAW, then you'll know are on the right path. FTR, very few get there. What usually happens is that by time the LBS gets to that this point, they stop posting. 90% of the situations here we do not know the final outcome because the poster just disappeared.

Also, you've diagnosed a MLC. Many of us do that. However, what if this is not a MLC but a permanent life change? So many LBSs put their hope in the MLC being temporary and the sad part is that most MLCs are NOT temporary. They are who the person now is. sandi famously used to say "she isn't the girl you married". The point? You have to get onboard that this may be who your wife is from here on out. LBHs in particular struggle with this. There is an old saying "Women marry a man hoping he will change. Men marry a woman hoping she won't."

What I like is that you keep posting about GAL, detachment and, I hope you mean to include, working on becoming the best version of yourself (self-improvements). That is good. However, I still see a lot of focus on her in your posts.