My sons and I went over for a small family dinner at MILs last night. It was meaningful for all of us and I led the way. W thanked me for listening to her cousin talk for hours (eldest S and I sat with him at the table after dinner and then it was just me and a man I respect and love who just lost his father). I replied it was meaningful for me to be with him. When W had invited me yesterday she said “I don’t know if you would want to come for dinner or if that means anything to you.
I had a difficult time sleeping after. Took time for me to settle my mind and deal with some emotions after being there with W. I determined to have zero expectations of her with going last night and getting to sleep was a part of me clarifying that for myself.
On a side note, while I am focused on my return to work and my health and being social, a couple of women of late (one from dance and another from a social group from church) have dropped some hints at me about being available for dates. I am being clear and not leading them on or compromising my values so I have redirected and engaged with others in the social environment (eg danced with others or talking with men during the church social outing.
The posters that are beating you over the head are doing so for a reason....
When you first posted about the service, I already knew what your decision was.
And I felt like that you were merely posting it to get some reassurance over the decision that you had already made.
Everyone that comes here, finds DB in their own time.
And until you can "hear" things, you cannot hear them...
We all get there in our own time.
Yet I think what is hard (at least for me) is that you appear to be stuck inside of yourself.
An example of that being...
IF you were to go to the service, after you had cut your contact to "kids and bills" , and it was the first time that she had seen or talked to you in months....
Then that would have been a different thing....
Yet....
You going to the service, because you are still clinging onto every word and detail that she mutters to you, whilst using the excuse that it is because of your morals and values ,makes me believe that you are STILL very co-dependently attached to her...
I understand it....
Yet.....
The way that you used that...
It is still an excuse for you not being able to handle her not being in your life....
So....
what does being stuck, look like for you ??
For me...
I don't see you doing anything differently from what you were doing last year at this time.
I see you simply trying to "wait this out" , hoping that one day, she will change her mind and she will want to come home so that things can "go back to normal"...
I see you worrying so much about what she thinks and feels that you simply DO NOT allow yourself to make any decisions based on your wants and needs in your life as it is now...
I see you trying very hard to still be married to his Woman, who has repeatedly made it clear to you that she wants out of the marriage.
I see you still trying to apply the same rules of marriage when you interact with her....
I see a man that has taken GAL activities and used them as merely a distraction, to what is really going on with himself.
I see a man that doesn't appear to recognizing his role in the demise of this relationship, let alone addressing the actions behind them...
I see a man that because he hasn't recognized those things, is still looking outwardly for answers to questions that can only be answered internally....
I see a man whose actions do not match his words...
I see you STILL making decisions about your life, as a married man...
No ?
Why do you still refer to her as your W ?
I'm gonna ask you some questions Rock, so that you can ignore them : )
What does living your life as a single man mean to you ???
What does truly letting her go, look like to you ???
What do you want your life to look like in 5 years ???
What actions are you taking to get there ???
What fears are holding you back from truly moving forward for you ???
What are you so F-N afraid of ????
Rock, my sympathies in regards to your loss....
And Rock....
It's time to finally find your path...
Nothing is written that says that your next relationship can't be with your STBX...
Yet it would have to be a new thing, after you've done the internal work....
I have never seen a WAS return to a situation that they are trying to leave....
So maybe think about this, and how your fear is directing you on your path....
What does living your life as a single man mean to you ???
-freedom and simplicity in answering to God and myself for how I live my life. Not being shoehorned into a box I think W wants me to fit into. Being Christ centered having a strong sense of self and healthy relationships with family and others. Having unity in my family and not living a self centered life
-treating myself and others well
-being accountable to myself and those I chose to share my life with, work for and serve, in how I spend my time money and energy
-not being concerned with a relationship with a woman beyond friendships and community nor going to them for joy romantically or sexually unless I decide to start dating or courting
What does truly letting her go, look like to you ???
-making decisions and taking action for what is important for me as an individual healthy single family man rather than as her husband or to try to win her back
-having zero expectations of her and wanting the best for her but not taking responsibility for that
-being fair
What do you want your life to look like in 5 years ???
-healthy, wise, strong, confident, attractive family man with good friends who follows God sincerely, working playing and vacationing well
-in 5 years I want to have a life like DnJ’s, with a great home, feeling good about myself having strong healthy relationships with my family
-restored marriage hopefully, if not I don’t know I think in five years I would want to be single still unless God brought someone into my life that I can have a great relationship with. I would only want to proceed in that arena if I was building a great relationship whether that was with W or someone else
-legal representation and financial advisor to plan to buy W out of house
-preventive health care, reaching out for help (therapy, church community, family, friends, these boards)
-detaching from W, moving in opposite direction from her
What fears are holding you back from truly moving forward for you ???
-I am afraid of W gaining an upper hand and taking more from me and our family. I have taken power back from her for me but I give too much thought and emotional energy to her still
-I am afraid of OM moving here to be her partner in our city. I am detaching as well as I can but indifference remains elusive for me
-I am afraid of my kids being unwell
What are you so F-N afraid of ????
-afraid I will be psychologically reinjured in my work or unsuccessful in other ways with my work
-still afraid at times of being alone if I’m being honest though I have a lot more confidence that I will be fine. I am not alone I have great friends and family
Rock your stbxw is not going to comeback to the life you are striving to live in 5 years. I’m sorry but she’s not. You are going to have to have a compelling story for her to want to comeback.
The only way she will be compelled to come back is when she feels like she cannot because you've closed that door. People want what they can't have. But here is the rub. If you close the door just to get her back she'll see through that. If you really close the door and move forward with your life she may then want to come back.
Rock here is the great thing. When you move forward with your life you can't lose no matter if she wants to come back or not.
What is not working is being stuck where your are at. So focus on your goals you listed for July 1st. When you achieve them set new goals for Jan 1st 2024. Always be forward looking and goal oriented. Do not remain anchored in place
What are your doing too get over your PTSD?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What does living your life as a single man mean to you ???
-freedom and simplicity in answering to God and myself for how I live my life. Not being shoehorned into a box I think W wants me to fit into. Being Christ centered having a strong sense of self and healthy relationships with family and others. Having unity in my family and not living a self centered life
-treating myselfand otherswell
-being accountable to myself and those I chose to share my life with, work for and serve, in how I spend my time money and energy
-not being concerned with a relationship with a woman beyond friendships and community nor going to them for joy romantically or sexually unless I decide to start dating or courting
Please expand what I've put into bold above....
What does that mean to you ??
Originally Posted by Rockon
Originally Posted by me
What does truly letting her go, look like to you ???
-making decisions and taking action for what is important for me as an individual healthy single family man rather than as her husband or to try to win her back
-having zero expectations of her and wanting the best for her but not taking responsibility for that
-being fair
What steps are you taking to facilitate any of that ???
Originally Posted by Rockon
Originally Posted by me
What do you want your life to look like in 5 years ???
-healthy, wise, strong, confident, attractive family man with good friends who follows God sincerely, working playing and vacationing well
-in 5 years I want to have a life like DnJ’s, with a great home, feeling good about myself having strong healthy relationships with my family
-restored marriage hopefully, if not I don’t know I think in five years I would want to be single still unless God brought someone into my life that I can have a great relationship with. I would only want to proceed in that arena if I was building a great relationship whether that was with W or someone else
While that is a great overview...
I feel like you copied and pasted it from a cruise ship advertisement....
Sail with White Star Line cruises, and we can change your life !!!
Pinpoint your goals so that you can pinpoint your results....
-legal representation and financial advisor to plan to buy W out of house
-preventive health care, reaching out for help (therapy, church community, family, friends, these boards)
-detaching from W, moving in opposite direction from her
Again....
Aim small, miss small....
Originally Posted by Rockon
Originally Posted by me
What fears are holding you back from truly moving forward for you ???
-I am afraid of W gaining an upper hand and taking more from me and our family. I have taken power back from her for me but I give too much thought and emotional energy to her still
-I am afraid of OM moving here to be her partner in our city. I am detaching as well as I can but indifference remains elusive for me
-I am afraid of my kids being unwell
The last one is a given, we all worry about that...
The first two ??
WHY are you so afraid of that, and how do you feel that they drive your actions ???
Originally Posted by Rockon
Originally Posted by me
What are you so F-N afraid of ????
-afraid I will be psychologically reinjured in my work or unsuccessful in other ways with my work
-still afraid at times of being alone if I’m being honest though I have a lot more confidence that I will be fine. I am not alone I have great friends and family
You do seem to be afraid of being alone...
Alone.....is where your answers are though....
So, what scares the bejeezes out of you ??
Why do you fear it so much ??
How do you think that your "people pleasing" tendencies run your life ???
Because I feel like you really haven't found yourself, and you have merely spent the last year deflecting internal work by GAL activities, and the rest of your time, focusing your pleasing skills on somebody other than your STBX....
And you have failed yourself in the process....
All of those answers above, have very little to do with just you...
They are all ways to please everyone around, with very little focus on YOU becoming whole again...
Strong, Confidant, Self Secure, which ultimately leads to the things that attract other people to you....
And you cannot be anything for anybody else, until you are there for yourself.
And you seem to be too anxious to sell yourself, for everyone around you.
So maybe it's time to put your oxygen mask on Rock....
I like your future vision; what you want your life to look like. Personally, I believe those far reaching statements should be more broad. Focus too tightly, and you won’t see the opportunities that are not directly in front of you.
Also, reacting to change requires an open view. Five years ago your vision didn’t have this situation coming up. Life will happen, and things will not go as planned. Man plans, and God laughs. No setbacks or downturns are permanent defeats. And no success is an ultimate triumph. Face the first with resilience, and the latter with grace.
Now, the smaller steps along the grand journey, those have a more focused approach. More goal oriented. Definitely a miss small approach there.
Originally Posted by Rockon
What do you want your life to look like in 5 years ???
-healthy, wise, strong, confident, attractive family man with good friends who follows God sincerely, working playing and vacationing well
-in 5 years I want to have a life like DnJ’s, with a great home, feeling good about myself having strong healthy relationships with my family
-restored marriage hopefully, if not I don’t know I think in five years I would want to be single still unless God brought someone into my life that I can have a great relationship with. I would only want to proceed in that arena if I was building a great relationship whether that was with W or someone else
Some fodder for you with a couple of examples:
- strong healthy relationships with my family.
Define strong healthy. Realize family - kids, parents, etc. You interact with differently with each of them.
So, let’s consider your son and a small step/goal. How is your future vision and interactions vs the present? Room for improvement? (There always is by the way. ) Aim small. Today, call him. I’m serious! Call him. And talk to him. Listen and discuss his life. Not about you, not about Mom, just him and whatever he brings up. Let him feel he is the most important person in the world to you. For he is!
- healthy, wise, strong, confident, attractive family man.
Know thy self. Know thy convictions. Are they congruent with this definition? As needed, and continually: Strengthen that which serves, craft that which you aspire to, and discard that which does not serve.
Be a strong stable stanchion in life’s storms. Like a tree with deep roots. Strong, yet able to grow and still change. A good balance of flexible and steadfast.
These small steps/goals, like all, slowly accumulate and shifts (and inspires) one’s beliefs and life’s heading. Some of mine were and still are: Make the bed. Everyday. It starts your day on the right foot. Close the cupboard gently. No slamming. Almost silently. That gentleness grows and extends into other/all aspects of your life. A small and positive step towards that peace and contentment. Keep your word. A man’s (or woman’s) currency is their character. Walk the talk. The true measure of someone is how do they behaviour when no one would ever find out. An interesting measure is shopping carts. Some folks just leave them willy nilly in the parking lot after unloading, and some take them back to the storage rack. It speaks of a person, how they act when there is no reward, no punishment, and no enforcement. I’m pretty sure you’d guess, I always take back my cart. Rain, a foot of snow, doesn’t matter. Do the right thing. You’ve just got to define “right thing”. And life provides ample feedback.
Have a great day Rock.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yes mach1 time for oxygen. Im reflecting and determining to not neglect myself or my needs. I will look for time this weekend to form more of a response to your thoughtful questions.
Also Steve will plan to respond more about my recovery plan.
) Aim small. Today, call him. I’m serious! Call him. And talk to him. Listen and discuss his life. Not about you, not about Mom, just him and whatever he brings up. Let him feel he is the most important person in the world to you. For he is!