1. When she disclosed her PA or now when she is currently drunk and acting WW, has she shared anything with you about why she did these things, or what she felt she has been missing from you or the M. I love you but I'm not into you? Or anger and resentments?
Anger and resentments, for sure. She claims a combination of COVID isolation with three young kids and my not hearing and understanding her drove her to the A. The other guy came on strong and gave her constant attention ("which felt really good" according to her) and after a particular disagreement between us, she decided to go for it. In retrospect I can clearly see how I failed to meet her emotional needs, explaining how she was wrong about certain concerns she raised instead of listening/validating, etc. It does not excuse her actions but its been helpful for my recovery to understand what happened. In subsequent years I was critical of her and judgmental which further pushed her away.
What are her love languages? Did you meet them? Does she want you to meet them now?
I need to work on this to get a better understanding of her LL. Does she want me to meet them now? I don't know.
What are ways you have not met them or hurt her in the past?
Her perception is that I have prioritized my FOO over her for our entire marriage. This has been at the root of all of her concerns and she has gone as far as to describe it as the original betrayal ("you betrayed me first") when defending her A. While I disagree with that as reality, I understand that it was her perception and that by dismissing it I made her feel unheard.
Her waywardness is her seeking her own happiness (albeit in a selfish way). Spend a lot of time on thinking on this. It is key for you to understand her motives for being wayward so that you can 180 on target and better meet her emotional needs if you can draw her to be less wayward.
This is a very insightful comment, I will give it some thought. My initial reaction is that she is reconnecting with the fun, attractive, and carefree person she was before marriage, kids, and commitment. Up until now I have seen this as immature and selfish, but after reading your comment I realize that our MR must have lacked that element and she sought it elsewhere. I will read up on the books you mentioned.
What would it take for you to trust her again? For you to be vulnerable to her again? For you to act lovingly towards her, meet her needs, and date her, despite feelings of resentment or hurt? What can you change in yourself to get there?
I would need to see earnest change on her part. A recognition of how harmful her behavior has been and complete remorse over the A. What can I change in myself? Learning how to walk the path towards forgiveness and becoming more confident in myself as a man.
Does she sleep in the marital bed when she comes home from partying all night? Is she spending share marital resources on her outings? Is there anything you do for her that enables this lifestyle for her or rescues her from the consequences of her actions?
Yes, she sleeps in the marital bed and occasionally on the couch if she stays out very late. Granted this has not happened since DDay; she still drinks but does not stay out as late. I have not cut her off financially but I have stopped helping her deal with the after effects of going out (no more rides to pick up her car, no more keeping the kids quiet so mom can sleep in).
The holidays have put a wrench in a lot of this, because I have decided to pause the conversation in general so we limit conflict during this special time of year. This is for my kids' sake. Nonetheless I am making myself scarce and virtually unavailable as H.
