New User - My Story

[bustorama]

That is good news that there is no current OM in the picture so far as you know.

All the GAL, 180, sandi/DB approach is strong.

Few thoughts:

1. When she disclosed her PA or now when she is currently drunk and acting WW, has she shared anything with you about why she did these things, or what she felt she has been missing from you or the M. I love you but I'm not into you? Or anger and resentments?

What are her love languages? Did you meet them? Does she want you to meet them now?

What are ways you have not met them or hurt her in the past?

Her waywardness is her seeking her own happiness (albeit in a selfish way). Spend a lot of time on thinking on this. It is key for you to understand her motives for being wayward so that you can 180 on target and better meet her emotional needs if you can draw her to be less wayward.

Have you read books re: Love languages? Or books that guide acts of love like The Love Dare?

2. "The damage has been done" - That broken trust, the feelings of betrayal. It seems it never can be undone. Trust, like love, is an active behavior. We choose to trust or love (or not) ever day, even if it does not feel like we are choosing. The feelings of not trusting someone, not loving them, and resenting them because of how they betrayed us can seem impossible to act through. But, we can act to trust and love despite and through our feelings (look up Acceptance-Commitment Therapy [ACT] if it seems counterintuitive). Every day.

Ultimately, the only way to heal a relationship is to act lovingly and with trust, despite those feelings. Because otherwise the relationship is irrevocably broken. Waiting won't heal it the way we need it to be healed.

It's easier to do that when our partners show remorse and behavior change. Because why should we trust and not resent more of the same waywardness? How can they keep acting this wayward when they hurt us and violated our marriage?

What would it take for you to trust her again? For you to be vulnerable to her again? For you to act lovingly towards her, meet her needs, and date her, despite feelings of resentment or hurt? What can you change in yourself to get there?

What change do you need for her to make? Are there boundaries of yours she is violating in not changing? Have you communicated them and, if violated, enforced them?

3. I can tell you someone who was in a similar sitch as you -- my spouse. I had betrayed her with an EA. And I had stopped it and disclosed it to her, but I was still acting addictively, waywardly, and selfishly, indulging my feelings and needs for years. Until she communicated and enforced her boundary on me by moving out (I don't recommend you move out, but if she is violating boundaries of yours, enforcements of some kind to stop the cake eating and violations are needed).

Does she sleep in the marital bed when she comes home from partying all night? Is she spending share marital resources on her outings? Is there anything you do for her that enables this lifestyle for her or rescues her from the consequences of her actions?

Wherever there is potential addiction (your WAS' drinking, or her social validation seeking with party people), any boundaries you have must be firm. It is important that you do not excuse or ignore her addictive behaviors that cross your boundaries. Mine was video game playing (which led to my EA).

Are you ok with being in a relationship with a spouse who is not controlling her alcohol drinking and partying behavior at the expense of your MR and your own feelings and sense of value? Do you have a boundary re: having a spouse that engages in addictive behaviors that has damaged and continues to damage your MR?