I'm happy with the way the weekend went. I was feeling pretty down yesterday while W was out w the kids, but when they got home I focused completely on them and it lifted my mood. Whatever plays out here between W and I, I'm determined to continue to give my kids 100% as a father.
That sounds great, Maturin. You can really further develop your special relationships with them during this time. So many adventures, mutual discoveries, games, talking, and bonding time.
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I've remained cheerful and optimistic in all interactions w W and it makes me feel much better about myself. No more sullen moods or sulking - in fact she is now the one who is quiet and withdrawn.
Keep it up!
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It makes me feel as though I've wasted 3 years of my life by having all the constraints of a marriage but none of the benefits of a relationship. And when I consider that she was out enjoying a PA the spiral starts. This thinking can lead down a negative and unproductive path so I try to circumvent that. While she did claim she didn't even enjoy the PA, I'm not sure I believe her (or that it matters).
I hear that about a feeling of lost time. But we can't control the past, right? So don't go there. Let it go as fast as it enters your mind.
A key to DB'ing is to live in in the present. Ruminating in the past can lead you down dark paths. Living in the future can trap you in fantasy (of how you'd idealize things to be if you just wait or could say just the right thing) or fear (of what bad things may happen if you act or do not act).
So, keep your mind out of the past (other than briefly learning where you need to do self-work or make amends). And also do not think in the the future (other than to set plans and goals).
Live your plans in the present, one day at a time.
One comment I have on ovrrnbw's msg -- I do not personally think that wanting to bust the divorce and starting the legal process are always incompatible with one another. When your boundaries ("I will not be with someone who is actively cheating on me") are crossed despite communication and incremental enforcements, then the progressive enforcement of initiating divorce can be appropriate. Otherwise, you violate your own boundary.
It does not mean that you stop divorce busting or that divorce is the foregone conclusion. The WAW spouse can choose to stop the affair at any time.
And, if a LBS had tolerated a PA sullenly for 2-3 years, and then suddenly and decisively, but optimistically, acts otherwise ("there's a great world out there for me that I deserve, I can do this, and I'm ok with this"), it can be the ultimate 180 of value.
But, it must be authentic -- because your boundary is being crossed. Not as a bluff or ploy.
Last edited by bustorama; 12/05/2303:53 AM.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
