Sorry Rock, I’m just not buying it anymore. I’m not sure how strong wonderful parents go 12-18 months without finding out why there son and grandchildren are completely different and I’m not entirely sure why anyone would need to choose their words carefully around their strong loving parents.
However, of course your wife ghosted them. She wants out of the marriage and out of the family and doesn’t want them as FIL or MIL. From her point of view they aren’t family anymore.
Anyway, I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to be here anymore honestly. I don’t believe you’ve been truthful, your posts prove that regardless of how wordy you attempted to make it to it seem better than it was. I believe you've used your children to keep constant contract with your W. It wasn’t more than what, a week ago or two ago your wife was contacting you to see the kids for the holidays for you to turn around and say 3 out of 4 don’t live with you. Do you see how that doesn’t add up? You recently went back to work and there’s been very little to no talk about that though that should be a major milestone considering how long you were out of work.
At this point with how easily you dismiss every ounce of advice, plus your wife’s previous suggestions that you are stalking her, with your posts not adding up and constantly contradicting themselves (this isn’t entirely new) I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to continue to follow your situation. Unfortunately I think I’m in kinds boat. There’s just no need to continue until you start to try and honestly try and regardless of what you wanna think or say, you haven’t. At least you haven’t tried DB anyway.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Rock, I've been here for a while, not as long as some others but a while. Occasionally we get posters here that want to use the board for a sounding board. A kind of interactive journal. They want to save their marriage, but they don't truly trust the methods espoused here. They want to hear feedback and advice but then they decide they are going to go their own direction and just do what comes instinctively. What they really want is a magic bullet: the one thing they can do or say that will fix everything overnight. However, no such magic bullet exists.
Here are what they have in common:
-They struggle more than most newbies here. -Their situations,v and especially their limbo period, lasts much longer. -They almost always the up divorced, but not before a lot more pain and mental anguish that could have been avoided.
You are falling into that same trap. Maybe you just want to use the board as a journal. That's fine, let us know that so we understand. But for your sake I hope you decide to get serious about DBing. I don't think you've ever fully embraced it. I'm fact, when was the last time you read the book?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ok Joseph I get you don’t see the point in continuing to follow and engage. Fair. You see it as a waste of time. My appreciation to you for being honest and blunt. Thank you for your input. I have found it very helpful and I don’t see any of it as a waste to me.
The fact is I am trying hard. I am focused on what is important the best I can be using the most appropriate supports I can find.
Work is going well and it is appropriately requiring a lot of my attention and energy and leaving me tired after. My shift lengths have increased from three hours to eight and now I am up to four shifts in a week. I am approaching my work and my life in healthier ways and engaging in therapy.
I continue to encounter a lot of emotions but I am managing them better. They can be very strong and demand my attention but I am staying in control of my behaviors and what I do about them. I am having a lot of feelings and noticing some difficult thoughts during these holidays but I am doing a better job of being the pilot and navigating my way and influencing my thoughts and choosing my actions.
“…I’m not entirely sure why anyone would need to choose their words carefully around their strong loving parents.”
I determined to speak the way I did to my parents out of love, respect, admiration and appreciation for them as is my way with them. They have been married 55 years and are humble strong generous parents and grandparents. I communicated that I am going through very difficult disconnection in my M and that I don’t know the outcome. I told them I haven’t made the decision to proceed with divorce but that I need to do what’s best for me and our kids. To be honest, this weekend I have entertained thoughts that maybe I do want to file but I’m not there. I did not make mention of W’s A. I told them I’m doing well and I will be ok. I told them their prayers love and support are valued and that I have counseling.
“However, of course your wife ghosted them. She wants out of the marriage and out of the family and doesn’t want them as FIL or MIL. From her point of view they aren’t family anymore.”
True
“…your wife was contacting you to see the kids for the holidays for you to turn around and say 3 out of 4 don’t live with you. Do you see how that doesn’t add up?”
I do see that. Eldest D and granddaughter visited for Thanksgiving but will not be here at Christmas. S lives with me. Eldest S will be here at Christmas in and out. He rents a separate suite here in the house with a roommate. Youngest D moved out and will be coming over for holidays. She is coming here Christmas morning. She might also stay over Christmas Eve. She can sleep in her old room. Last Christmas Eve those 3 and I had a really great time staying up late here together playing games laughing and watching movies.
W proposed that she come over here to open presents Christmas Day with youngest 2 kids.
Regarding my DB attempts, I lately have been wondering if I should have followed Kind’s option A of putting W’s things in storage last year and giving her my L’s contact info. I didn’t and here I am still going through a lot of crap.
Rock just about everyone here wishes they would have been strong enough for the pack their $hit approach. You can’t turn back the clock. I think what frustrates everyone is that in 18 months you have showed very little progress. Heck in 18 months you still don’t even know how to use the quote function on the site. I understand why your W has left the marriage but the way she is going about it is just wrong. Only you can decide when you’ve had enough Rock and the quicker you decide you can heal and start to piece yourself back together again.
I lately have been wondering if I should have followed Kind’s option A of putting W’s things in storage last year and giving her my L’s contact info. I didn’t and here I am still going through a lot of crap.
"The stove is hot. If you touch the stove, you will burn your hand."
"I am wondering if I should have listened to Kinds advice about touching the stove. I didn't and my hand is still getting burned."
Obviously you have special needs children. I am not sure where you and your wife fall on the spectrum. You can either learn from your own experiences and make changes to your behavior, or you can learn from other peoples experiences. I have found that learning from other peoples experiences is better. My understanding is that you are religious. The Bible has insight into human behavior and how to make positive changes as well.
The way you interact with your W is not attractive to her. If it was, than she would be pursuing you sexually. Until you interact with her different, her attraction will not change. You have at least 10 guys giving you words of wisdom that they have learned this though the DBing process.
Slowly changing is death by 1000's cuts. Grab the low hanging fruit and make significant changes as quickly as you can.
Obviously you are not the only one that reads and may benefit from the reply's to your thread. You are one of the many starfish on the beach. Hopefully the others keep posting even if you keep crawling back out of the water.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am reflecting and discerning next steps. I don’t know I should have taken option A but I can’t go back and I wonder if that would have been better for my kids and I.
I do wish this wasn’t do hard and that I was further along than I am in my healing and growth but that’s not my reality. What is true is that I have been rock solid here for my kids and I have been doing my best and have tackled a lot of personal growth and change with courage.
Now, I aspire to honest growth from here and to become the man I am meant to be. I admire what you veterans have continued to share with us from your stories and the challenges and encouragement have been gracious with Boat, Kind, DnJ, Joseph, Steve, Ready, DnJ, Mach and others.
W’s uncle died last night. Eldest S plans to go over to MILs tonight for a small gathering. W invited me and our other kids as well. I expressed my condolences and thanks for the invitation. I said I will let her know what I decide.
What choice does your instincts tell you? What do you think each of us would tell you? What would a good DB choice be?
This stuff is not easy. Evaluate all of your choices and the consequences of each choice. Make a choice and live with the consequences (good or bad) of that choice.
Sorry for your loss.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you Ready. Eldest S and I have been reflecting this weekend. This was a beloved uncle/great uncle and we feel his loss with sadness and fond memories.
I am leaning to not attend but to send along a card that I and my kids can sign. I think that might be most congruent with my integrity and my goals with DB.
My condolences to you and your’s on the passing of your beloved uncle.
Rock, as of late you have been receiving some more pointed advice (again) from several posters. As I’ve said before, you know your situation best. And each person has their own challenges to overcome, their own fears, their own struggles, and their own timeline.
Personally, as I’ve mentioned, I believe your IC’s direction/advice regarding reaching out and playing nice to/with W to be a counterproductive strategy. Still, I do support you and encourage you to make decisions and move forward along your journey.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I am leaning to not attend but to send along a card that I and my kids can sign. I think that might be most congruent with my integrity and my goals with DB.
I might be off base here. However, you not attending would not be congruent with what I understand and believe to be your integrity.
Originally Posted by Rockon
Eldest S plans to go over to MILs tonight for a small gathering. W invited me and our other kids as well.
Go.
Attend.
Be a leader.
Be a living example for your kids.
Weigh your choices. I’m not living your situation, nor do I have all the information. Yet from my view I see more positives in attending than not.
Hope I didn’t muddy the waters too much on you. (((Hugs)))
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
