I'm happy with the way the weekend went. I was feeling pretty down yesterday while W was out w the kids, but when they got home I focused completely on them and it lifted my mood. Whatever plays out here between W and I, I'm determined to continue to give my kids 100% as a father.
I've remained cheerful and optimistic in all interactions w W and it makes me feel much better about myself. No more sullen moods or sulking - in fact she is now the one who is quiet and withdrawn.
Lately the 30-60 minutes between getting in bed and falling asleep has become a time that I reflect on my MR and what happened. I find myself acknowledging that the MR hasn't been close for many years, and that it's obvious since the PA my W was creating a pocket of space between us. While I was taking steps to understand and improve myself for the last 2-3 years, she was still in full WW mode.
It makes me feel as though I've wasted 3 years of my life by having all the constraints of a marriage but none of the benefits of a relationship. And when I consider that she was out enjoying a PA the spiral starts. This thinking can lead down a negative and unproductive path so I try to circumvent that. While she did claim she didn't even enjoy the PA, I'm not sure I believe her (or that it matters).
I know patience is part of the DB approach, but after three years of a lackluster SL I sometimes want to just pull the chute and get the pain over with. Instead I will take it one day at a time, get through the holidays, and continue preparing for what's next.
