New User - My Story

[bustorama]

Maturin,

As others have said, it is essential in your dynamic for you to enforce your boundaries and non-negotiables to protect your Self and your kids (because they are learning through this).

Your W is still in party mode, which you have said you are not ok with.

Your W is still acting in affair-seeking mode, despite you telling her that is a deal breaker for you.

Your W is still living with you and not in the type of marital relationship that you deserve and expect (which you have said you are not ok with).

Your W has been an awful parent to your kids by your account for 2+ years, and you have said you are not ok with someone treating your kids and family this way.

And yet, you are still spinning your wheels talking to your D lawyer, held back by fear and uncertainty.

Do not spin your wheels when your WAW (or anyone) is trampling all over your core boundaries. It teaches you, your kids, and her that you have no boundaries. That you are weak. It is not attractive and, more importantly, it hurts your Self and your kids every day that you do so.

Would you advise your daughter to stay in a marriage for 3 years if her future husband was treating her this way?

Or your son to be patient and get a life while his wife was out drinking til 2 am trying to find other men to eff and coming home middle of the night drunk?

Cause that's what you are teaching them every day.

In addition to the Boundaries books that others have suggested, see Dobson's Love Must be Tough and Hold On to Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men.

My wife, when she became a WAS, started to save our relationship (when I had been acting badly pursuing EAs and neglecting her and her family) by strongly enforcing her boundaries. She stood up for herself and said I will no longer accept this crap behavior and walked away, with all that entailed.

And after working and working on myself for a year, but still being stuck in marital limbo, our dynamic changed again when *I* finally enforced my boundary of not being ok being in limbo with a WAS of 1 year who did not want to work on our relationship. I started to move on, went no contact, and began divorce proceedings. And after a few months, my WAW came back, no longer an alien, saying she wanted to try again.

It is essential that you enforce your boundaries to respect and value yourself and for your emotional health. When you live an authentic live with intact boundaries, you and your loved ones WILL be ok. I promise you will prevail, no matter the marital outcome.

Remember, your WAW can choose to change how she acts on any day. I did when my WAS enforced her boundaries. And my WAW changed her actions when I enforced mine. There is no reason for your WAW to change when she is having her cake and eating it too. And why would she want to change for a spouse who does not respect himself enough to withdraw themselves from such mistreatment.

And if she chooses not to change, you will have led yourself out of a painful limbo of trampled fences. And modeled self-respect and resilience for those wonderful kids of yours.

Divorces don't become final overnight. And reconciliations even happen after people divorce. So, it can be helpful not to see filing for divorce as the end all, be all. It's simply being true to your boundary of not being ok being married/in a relationship with someone who treats you and your family this way. You have already asked her to move out and she did not (violating you yet again).

Keep up your 180 and GAL by all means. But it is essential that you begin enforcing your boundaries.

You know W, this sitch isn't working for me anymore. I'm over being married to someone who is not married to me. And I've seen over the past few (months) how much better things can be for me and the kids without all this. So, I am moving forward accordingly. Now, we can do this as a mediation or contested divorce, etc...

I agree 100% with your attorney that you should stay in the home and YOU should be in the marital bed. She can choose what she chooses.