I'm a newbie help!

[Snowball]

Thank you! I am only going away for one night. It is him that will be gone all next week and still hasn't mentioned a word to me about it yet.

[Snowball]

Craziness from today. I was at home and he came home from work and stomped up the stairs and accused me of having a man in the house. Honestly, I burst out laughing. Then I played his game and said, don't go in my office! I think he thought I was serious for a minute there. Obviously, there was no man in our house. Our son had a friend come over and he left his keys on the table. HA! I should have left it alone but this really threw me for a loop. He profusely apologized. But I still just can't stand the way he goes on and on about, you can do what you want, I can't control you, at least don't do that here. WTF?! I said, you have every right to say you don't want me to do that, you are my husband, are you not?! I went on to ask things of him, he'll always immediately say he is not having sex with anyone ever. He says he wants sex, thinks of sex but isn't doing it. Never mentions that he wants it with me, or that he misses it with me, just sex. UGH He said he hasn't touched another woman since the day I said that is a never gonna happen thing for me(I'm not sure why this isn't a clear established thing but it is now) but he admitted to dancing with 3 women. Said he never touched any of them. I said I don't even want him dancing with any other women and he said.. that's where I have a problem. I don't know if it was because I'm sounding controlling or what.

I said, that is disrespectful to me and he said he doesn't purposely disrespect me, that he just doesn't go out of his way to respect me. Because I've been disrespectful to him. I've always hated how he just won't own up to anything and blames all his actions on someone else. Get real. I talked to my coach, to my friend and I'm going to the gym soon.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Snow

People will relive life lessons until they learn them. Some folks stubbornly or unwittingly recycling, repeating, living and languishing in a purgatory like loop for the rest of their days. Your H appears to be struggling with respect/disrespect and authentic/sincere behaviour. Responsibility and accountability are the principles of an adult, and H is trying to be young.

I said I don't even want him dancing with any other women and he said.. that's where I have a problem. I don't know if it was because I'm sounding controlling or what.

I said, that is disrespectful to me and he said he doesn't purposely disrespect me, that he just doesn't go out of his way to respect me. Because I've been disrespectful to him.

He is projecting and blaming onto you. As you’ve said, in the past you were disrespectful towards him, and that wee grain of truth H will utilize and craft an entire narrative and justification around for his present behaviour.

You are not being controlling, H’s disrespectful behaviour problem is because he doesn’t respect himself. He is living disingenuously.

Life provides feedback. And H will languish until he realizes and steps up to be accountable and take ownership of his choices.

I've always hated how he just won't own up to anything and blames all his actions on someone else.

Yep. You see it. Now, what?

Hate doesn’t serve you.

Giving H a free pass is not the answer to your peace either.

Love the sinner, forgive the sin.

Let go the hate. You cannot control what H does. You can and have told him what bothers you and what is disrespectful. Enforce boundaries on such disrespectful behaviours. Whatever boundaries that you require for your well-being.

Letting go the hate, is not condoning H’s behaviour either. And it’s not a free pass. You can and should hold him accountable for his actions.

If you notice, boundaries, condoning, accountability are all regarding H’s behaviours and actions, not H himself. This is a non-judgemental attitude and stance, which encourages forgiveness. Striving to love the person and forgive the behaviours, for no one can see all ends, only God can forgive the person/soul.

Yes, H is not owning up to his actions and is blaming others. You know this. No point giving it emotional bandwidth. Don’t let it live rent free in your heart and head. It doesn’t serve, and it doesn’t pay to keep it around. Evict it, let it go.

Hope you are having a great day.

D

[Snowball]

Thank you for your wise words. I do need to enforce my boundaries and that has always been a real struggle for me. I have a difficult time coming up with the consequence. The thing is, he doesn't even know that I know so much of what he is doing. Even if I just basic it down to I don't want a relationship with someone who spends his time acting single in a bar, he'll say he isn't acting single. I have thought about things like this and written things down so many times and in the end it results in us not being together.

I have read through much of the boundary's thread here. I think what hurts the most is I get in my head that HE is making me enforce boundaries and it is painful for ME! I can't have a loving relationship because he is acting out. I know its about respecting myself, but I am just sitting here sad and hurt.

I told him this morning that I am going out of town. It didn't even phase him. Quite often I just can't get over him acting like he really doesn't care about me in the slightest. It is heartbreaking. I get instant anxiety and just can't move past the hurt no matter what I am doing. I actually was crying at the circus recently. Who cries at the circus?! I am letting him ruin my time! I was so excited to see the people I'm going to see and now I'm just sitting here crying and crying. Good thing its a 3 hour drive.

[SteveLW]

I'm not sure why you would allow anyone in your life to commit fraud and get away with it. Forging your signature is a crime. A crime that should not be glossed over.

If I were you before I did anything else, I'd consult anattorney.

[Snowball]

I came home from my trip and of course he wasn't at home. I found out he went to the club with friends and was so drunk he couldn't drive home so he stayed the night at one of their homes. He came home at 8:50am this morning. I couldn't contain myself and was standing there when he walked in and what did he say.. did you enjoy your trip? Zero acknowledgement of him staying out all night. I started crying. He was unfriendly and even said.. I don't have time for this. Of course he called our son last night to tell him what was up, he even contacted the wife of the friend he was going to stay the night.

He said to me when I asked him why he is telling our 18 yr old son of his whereabouts and his response is that our son has made it known that he cares about him. I just don't get it.

I stated very clearly what I wanted. I said I wanted to know where he was, because I cared about him. 30 min after the conversation he knocked on my door to tell me he was going to the bank. he had to add, because he is forced to tell me. I forced him? I just responded it was his decision ot tell me or not, but that is what I want.

My only options are to leave or put up with this [censored]? Everyone says why do I allow this, why do I put up with this? What else exactly should I do? I really need a legit list of viable options. I'm exhausted and tired.

[SteveLW]

I think you really only have one option. Move forward with your own life. If he decides he wants to come along make sure you have clear requirements for that to happen.

You are allowing this man to ruin your life. That's not attractive nor is it good for your own future.

Divorce busting is about saving yourself. Sometimes it saves your marriage too but you can't save that until you save yourself.

[Snowball]

What does move forward with my own life look like? Those are the exact words he has used, even today. Move forward. I don’t know how, and i just don’t know what to do.

[SteveLW]

Snowball, moving forward means:

You go out and get a life. Live your best life for you!
You make self-improvements, 180 on bad toxic behaviors and become the best version of yourself that you can be! (Be a woman only a fool would leave!
You learn how to be a fulfilled, happy person. By yourself! It's impossible to be a happy half of a couple until you've become a happy, self-differentiated, emotionally-detached individual!

Snowball, are you in individual counseling? Get a good counselor and explore the above.

That's how you move forward with YOUR life.

[Snowball]

I have a coach. I have been doing that. Its not enough, and often at times his actions affect me so greatly. Its so difficult to do anything when I feel in limbo. I mentioned about re-doing my home office. My coach said go for it! But what if I do and H divorces me and takes the house? What the heck is the point then?

So often I try to go gave fun and he goes to 3 bars and I just can’t stop thinking and talking about it. It has ruined my time over and over lately.