So to answer your question I started off devastated like everyone here. Couldn’t believe my exw was tearing apart are family. Thought our problems were fixable. What gets understated here is just how done they are. Some people hold on tight to believe nothing they say, MLC, fog etc. but the bottom line is they have been thinking about this for a really long time and are done! So I like Terrapin got involved in the red pill world and was convinced women were evil, never happy etc. I think by doing that it made it easier to not take responsibility for the breakdown of my marriage. I decided this ideology was not productive so I decided to read, listen to anything that had to do with attraction works. I think it is very important to understand how men and women are different and how they are biologically wired. Once you really understand it then everything makes sense and becomes easier. I think every person should understand their sexual market value. You should understand that if you as a man are a 7 and you are dating a 10 your life is going to but really difficult and you are likely to feel a lot of pain at some point. However, if you are a 7 and you are dating a 6 your life will be pretty amazing.
It’s up to you to decide how long you are going to hold onto the fantasy of your at best subpar marriage or if you want to do what it takes to be in an amazing relationship someday.
Like everything else in life, all of these 'experts', red pill communities, pickup artists, etc have pros and cons.
I think it's best to pick out the good parts and not to let the toxic parts consume you.
But from what I have seen and read here and elsewhere, pick ups, relationships, marriages, divorce busting, etc all essentially boil down to a common theme: be the best person you can be. Have purpose, have confidence, stay in shape, etc. It is easy to become complacent in marriages. It's actually almost impossible to avoid, especially when you have kids. I blame men for not recognizing the emotional needs of their spouse. I blame women for not always communicating those needs clearly, and for straying when her needs are not met 100% of the time.
Rock, we've been through hell. Everyone here has. Learn from it and hope to come out stronger.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Thriving fully back to work with a solid financial plan in place to be able to buy W out of the house. Acceptance of my singleness and the gift of celibacy. Acceptance whether I am D by then (not my hope and plan), detached from W and the M, or possibly piecing.
I want to be a man of strength and integrity and attraction. I am realizing I don’t want to attract a replacement of W or give that impression but I want to be healthy and thriving and I want my close friends and kids to know that I am ok and I will be alright.
I want to be involved in healthy ways with my kids, grandkid, friends and community.
I’m planning to talk to my parents tomorrow and open up to them so that they have some accurate info.
I want them to know that W is staying at her moms and that I am taking time to make some decisions about what is best for me and our kids. I want to tell them that my hope is that our M is restored and I am trusting God no matter what the outcome is.
I want to use language and tone with my parents that gives them hope that I and their grandkids and great grandkid will be ok and there are good plans in place.
Thanks for answering this. Goals are a must. Without goals you are floating through life with no direction. I'd encourage you to have spiritual goals too. Not everyone is religious (especially nowadays) but a sense of greater purpose and direction helped me immensely. I cannot imagine going through some of the struggles in this life without spiritual purpose and prayer.
Ok enough preaching. The TLDR; version of this: have clear goals in where you want to be in 6 months, a year, 5 years and 10 years+. Then work towards those goals everyday.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Like everything else in life, all of these 'experts', red pill communities, pickup artists, etc have pros and cons.
I think it's best to pick out the good parts and not to let the toxic parts consume you.
But from what I have seen and read here and elsewhere, pick ups, relationships, marriages, divorce busting, etc all essentially boil down to a common theme: be the best person you can be. Have purpose, have confidence, stay in shape, etc. It is easy to become complacent in marriages. It's actually almost impossible to avoid, especially when you have kids. I blame men for not recognizing the emotional needs of their spouse. I blame women for not always communicating those needs clearly, and for straying when her needs are not met 100% of the time.
Rock, we've been through hell. Everyone here has. Learn from it and hope to come out stronger.
I will give you an easy tip to tell you are meeting her emotional needs. If she constantly wants to $&#% your brains out you are meeting her emotional needs. If she does not than Houston you have a problem and better fix it fast.
I’m planning to talk to my parents tomorrow and open up to them so that they have some accurate info.
Will this action help or hurt any chance of reconciliation in the future?
It is really hard for me to understand your sitch when you use vague words like "open up" or "accurate info". I am sure others here agree.
As an example, when we give vague advise like "GAL", I believe it is better for the original poster to be as specific as they can. "I went dancing last night, have reservations for dinner tonight with three new friends at a new restaurant in town. Will go see a live band play afterwards. Tomorrow I will wash my car and change the oil, then go to the shooting range and....bla bla bla"
Last edited by DnJ; 12/02/2301:27 PM. Reason: Clarified “original poster”.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I took my parents out for lunch and let them know that W is staying at her moms. I had chosen not to talk about any of this with them before yesterday. I kept it simple and I was intentional with my language not talking trash about W and not putting her on any pedestal. I told them I’m doing well and let them know I don’t want them to do anything differently. They have almost zero contact with W since BD (W not being present at any of my family’s events etc since BD) and they have very good connections with our kids. I told them I have good IC and I’m taking time with how I want to proceed with what is best for me and our family. I also let them know I hope for restoration of our M but that I will be ok if not. They were very supportive and caring as they have always been.
How on gods green earth did your wife have a talk with you a year ago about how you guys were to important to the community to not tell everyone because everyone would notice but your parents didn’t know? How are you this tight knit family yet your kids didn’t even have their grandparents to go to for support, only you and your ex? I understand they are adults but someone would have had to forbid them from going to them.
This doesn’t add up at all
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
My mom and dad knew but they respected our privacy and expressed support without being pushy. At BD, W was scared of judgment and didn’t want to deal with people knowing and I wanted to protect our privacy and keep to a small circle for me
I told our kids that they can talk with anyone they need to and I have supported them with therapy. I let them know I wasn’t talking to my parents about it but they certainly could. And our 3 youngest who all live in town here have been over to their grandma’s where W has been living lots and there is mutual support there (grandma there for kids and reciprocal kids have all helped out over there with jobs etc.).
A related issue, W told me today that her uncle is dying in hospital. My instinct is to gather and express support. So far I have encouraged eldest son to reach out in whatever way he would like and I’ve expressed that I’m here for him.
I think I will call MIL and express care and concern. I’ve thought about asking W if she needs anything from us. I’d appreciate your ideas.
