Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[Kind18]

Hi Pattnee!

There’s a very predictable pattern here:

1. You build some resolve
2. He gets his act together a bit
3. You let your walls down and emotionally engage
4. He responds positively initially, and it makes you feel good
5. Eventually, he goes back to raging and unpredictability
6. You’re left confused and hurt

This is a very common and repeated pattern in your posts.

They say the definition of craziness is to keep doing the same thing but expecting a different result.

Perhaps you need to stop going for the short term dopamine hits (hugs, deep and meaningfuls and apologies) and start playing the long term game. In the way that he is addicted to alcohol, you seem to also keep going back for those short term connections, but you always end up with a hangover the next day.

You need to build an impenetrable shield around your heart and mind until he can act consistently and reliably and sober for 6-12 months. That’s at least 3 years away.

Would you keep sticking a knife into a powerpoint if you kept getting shocked?

[Rockon]

This is insightful as I can see it Kind and I have recognized it in me. I have been working on my shield around my heart and filling up my tank in other ways. You have been doing so well Pattnee. Be strong friend.

BTW, some women have been coming on a bit stronger to me lately. I’m making it clear I am friendly and open to fun is social settings that doesn’t compromise my purpose and values and have had to deflect and not give the impression that I want to date or get into a one on one situation. Healthy for me and not gonna lie the attention feels good.

[Pattnee5]

Thanks Kind yep that makes complete sense and I get it. Although it didn’t affect me nearly as bad as it has in the past. I didn’t go begging or apologise or act like a crazy woman, I just let it go. Safe to say I noticed my hormones were generally a raging mess the last two days anyway which never helps. But I absolutely can see it and will continue to build that wall a bit higher and learn to control those darn hormones. I am getting pretty good at detaching a fair bit lately from his melodramatic actions. He comes to me for hugs etc I tend to never initiate it but I don’t exactly want to push him away. I know this is a marathon nothings getting solved anytime soon he isn’t in his normal self. A long way off really. Three years sounds realistic that’s for sure IF ( and this is a big if) he can sort his drinking out. Alcohol destroys so much. Safe to say my night was fine I spent time making dinner and busying myself with the kids instantly felt better just journaling some stuff and today woke up felts great, ran, worked and organising dinner.worked a bit more with my IC on the emotions control and pulling myself out of headspace scenarios . Didn’t even give it a second thought really to what happened.

[Pattnee5]

This is insightful as I can see it Kind and I have recognized it in me. I have been working on my shield around my heart and filling up my tank in other ways. You have been doing so well Pattnee. Be strong friend.

Thanks rock definitely in this for the marathon that it is, whatever it may be. My happiness buckets are pretty full at the moment at least 80% of the time. Work, kids, friends. Working to 100% that’s for sure. It’s my “fix it “ and “impatience” that is still a work in progress.i too am not even interested in the slightest in anything or anyone right now other than myself. You can’t love fully with a wounded heart and only I can heal that with time. I do still have faith that H can get his life and priorities together again and if he does our door may/may not still be open but I’m ok with that regardless. His “move” could save him or destroy him only time will tell but it’s not on me or any reflection of me and it took me a long time to realise that

[Kind18]

How have the last few weeks been Pattnee?

[Pattnee5]

Hi Kind
Thanks for checking in. I’ve been keeping super busy and tend to read sometimes but never had anything to post. Life got a bit busy too juggling a few things and kids being sick and having exams etc.
Not a huge amount to report just ticking along in this MLC journey. H finally told the kids about his job move, they didn’t really care too much and went back to doing what they were doing and H semi freaked out expecting this massive meltdown he didn’t get. Got all worried about the kids and missing them etc. I just made the comment of “ our life will go on here with or without you “ he keeps saying “ when you all come over to visit ..” I don’t really react too much or read too much into anything. His words and moods are very hot and cold.
The roller coaster goes up and down and we just never really know
I think I’ve detached alot more now without realising. I just leave him when he’s around and let him fill the silence and just listen if he’s talking and working alot harder on listening to him despite how boring his subject is ( usually always a work related rant) I don’t really say or do too much around him but he seems to want to be around us a lot more, dinner, helping around the house etc. he’s actually around all the time come to think of it. At nights joins us with games with the kids too. his drinking has decreased quite alot now to be mainly on the weekend and we even enjoyed a few wines together a week or so ago where he even started to open up a fraction and mentioned something about being the black sheep in his family and not living up to their expectations. His rage had subsided around me (or at least when he is in his angry work mood I now just do something else and leave him be and find a day later he is much better). Just really trying to do more of what works and less of what doesn’t. He’s leaving in 6 weeks or right around Christmas. That’s going to be tricky but I am of the mindset I need to box him up and shelve him now when he goes ( and maybe just pretend he died or something I don’t know).Regardless our life goes on here. H decided he didn’t want to sell the house and try and keep us in it etc and not disrupt too much. I’ve also stopped listening to everyone around me opinion and what they think I should do. I think that’s been my biggest shift and helped me detach better. I’m not his doormat but I do still have hope that he can work through his crisis alone. I’m not looking forward to that day he leaves though. I know the moment he packs up all his stuff and gets on that plane will be so incredibly hard for me.
As for me life is generally okay. I’m Always trying to look good smell good feel good. Still running some lunchtimes, we put up the Christmas tree early( H even helped and has never put or helped in the past with that) and I find I’m thinking less about trying to explain and understand this whole craziness that H is in. It obviously is a crisis of some sort that runs deeper than me and has some underlying childhood stuff going on. I still have hope he will get through it but honestly who knows. All I know is he will be on the other side of the world soon and my family unit of me and the kids will keep moving along and keeping busy while he lives his mess alone.
I hope you are well doing well as we start to enter the silly season

[Card29]

Hi Pattnee, sorry if I missed it, but is there a date for his departure? I thought at one point you'd mentioned November, but I'm guessing that date came and went, maybe as he was waiting on paperwork/visas.

You are doing well in a tough situation. It still seems hard to me that you are around him so much. Both of my WAW's gave me the "gift" of space. Still lots of pain but it does help detachment. If he really does head to New Orleans, you'll really experience what that's like. It sounds like you're mostly on your way there, anyway.

Your kids reaction made me laugh a bit, and I don't mean that to be insulting. When I was here the first time, some of the vets that were here warned a lot against mind-reading. Trying to predict what other people are thinking or how they will think/react is very frequently wrong. I know you were worried about their reaction a bit at one point, and H was probably fearing it. And then he probably felt really small when they didn't seem to care. I hope they're doing well, and I'm glad to hear you are charging forward. Enjoy the holidays.

[Pattnee5]

Hi Pattnee, sorry if I missed it, but is there a date for his departure? I thought at one point you'd mentioned November, but I'm guessing that date came and went, maybe as he was waiting on paperwork/visas.

You are doing well in a tough situation. It still seems hard to me that you are around him so much. Both of my WAW's gave me the "gift" of space. Still lots of pain but it does help detachment. If he really does head to New Orleans, you'll really experience what that's like. It sounds like you're mostly on your way there, anyway..

Hi Card, yes apparently the visa has been a big process. He will have it in the next few weeks and then fly out at the start of the year ( or just after Christmas).
It’s funny there has been a real internal shift within myself the last month. There’s no pain being around him. I still love him so much and still pray we can get through the other side and save our marriage, but in order to do that I realised this is our best shot. I can’t stand his way. This is our only shot of any rebuilding is letting him go completely to do what he’s set his mind to, and live his reality. All those little things that frustrated me, all the expectations I had from each interaction, all the second guessing it’s like it all just magically disappeared one day. Now I am not phased by it. If he’s in an angry mood I just keep busy, if there’s silence I don’t fill it and let him fill it.
Anyway I know once he leaves it will be a tough day but I know I’ll be ok. I have EVERYTHING. My kids my home that security. All he will have is a suitcase of clothes in a foreign city. I’m just basically of the mindset of I’m going to have to shelve him. Pack him in a box put him on a shelf and almost like pretend he has died( as sad as that sounds) and just go on living. Hopefully it’s a huge wake up call for him living alone in a foreign city and not having that unconditional love and support he starts to do his self work. There seems to definitely be some childhood upbringing issues or at least massive expedition issues from his parents that he needs to sort out on his own.

So he’s def off to New Orleans. Of all the cities he could choose in the central time zone of America he chose New Orleans. The only good side is the music scene and he used to be right into music which he as lost over the last few years. Hopefully it fills his cup

[MA1970]

Hi Pattnee
How are you doing? I've been off the board for a little while. Living my life & dealing with H's craziness! I hope you are doing OK & staying strong with firm boundaries in place. I haven't caught up on all your posts yet but will do over the next few days.

[Pattnee5]

Hi Pattnee
How are you doing? I've been off the board for a little while. Living my life & dealing with H's craziness! I hope you are doing OK & staying strong with firm boundaries in place. I haven't caught up on all your posts yet but will do over the next few days.

Hi MA I was just thinking about you too the other day and wondering how your midlife madness H is going too. Mine has cut back ALOT on the alcohol. What a difference. It’s like all the anger has subsided. And he’s starting to smile again. Life is good. One year since BD next week. I don’t really care to be honest. I am good, happy, healthy, kids are great and the weather is getting better