Place boundaries on truly disrespectful behaviour towards you. This is an often misunderstood and misapplied item. Boundaries are not some mechanism to directly foster behavioural alterations in your spouse. Boundaries are a premeditated and pre-defined action you will take for a predetermined displayed disrespectful behaviour. For example: “I am willing to discuss things with you. However, when you swear and yell at me, I will leave the room.” And you enforce it. Boundaries will be tested, and they best be rock solid.
D
I am struggling here. For 2+ years my W was displaying WAW behaviors, and I knew an A or some type of infidelity was possible. During this time I was learning how to discard my unattractive nice guy behaviors and GAL. As I regained my self confidence and got clarity on my values, I always told myself that infidelity was a deal breaker and would end the marriage, and made this clear to my W as well. Now that the A has been revealed - the ultimate act of disrespect - how do I maintain credibility and congruence with my communicated boundaries if I pursue any path other than D?
W has made it clear to me that she does not want D, but rather to continue on in the current state of things which I view as untenable (although "believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do" seems appropriate here, I don't think she truly enjoys her life right now). It seems like she is a cake eater: having me as H for status/financial/parenting support but live like a single person on weekends. I have stated several times that this is not acceptable to me.
I know the path: GAL, focus on me/kids, and be patient. I have good days and not so good days with that game plan, but overall find it effective. Consistency is important for me now because in the days/weeks after DDay I was occasionally emotional and angry, which is counter productive for me and shuts her down. For the last 1-2 weeks I've been much more cheerful as I focused on the 180 and GAL.
I plan to lean heavily on the forum. Continuing to live with a W who I find attractive but who has taken me for granted as a H is challenging. It's taken a LONG time to "get it" but I now understand that she long ago lost respect for me, and so the attraction flows only one way now. The upside is that I am rebuilding my self confidence and pursuing a deeper understanding of myself and what I want.
