My wife left me. I need help!

[broken89]

Thank you all again for the support!

Time and space. Give her plenty of each. Let her feel it.

I have been no contact with her for 5 days. By no contact, I mean I am no longer initiating any contact with her. She has contacted me a couple of times since, once to let me know she was sorry I was spending Thanksgiving alone, and the other time to ask if she could come over to pick up belongings. My responses have been polite but short.

I know I am still in the early phase, but I was not expecting her to bring up asset division so soon.

In time, hopefully, W will realize that “hey, b89 hasn’t been bothering me lately and I’m still unhappy.” Then, with some luck, she will consider/realize that you aren’t cause and she will look inward.

I hope so, but I feel like for the time being, she seems to have blinders on. Her behavior is simply unrecognizable to me, and I know she was having an EA before leaving.

I think she maybe having some sort of MLC. She turned 30, lost her job earlier this year and was stuck in a sort of depressed state where she wasn't sure what her (professional) future might look like. She seems to be looking for an escape and trying to find herself along the way.

My point is (at least on the outside), she seems to be perfectly happy with her decision. She has not been angry at me. She has been emotional a few times, saying she did not want to hurt me and she wished me nothing but the best. Initially, in the 2-4 days post BD, she said she had a lot of "emotions to sort through and it was really overwhelming".

My other fear is that she is currently staying with her mom, who had the exact same phase around the same age and divorced her dad to be wild and free and had a series of PA's. I am afraid that her mom is totally going along with what her daughter is going through and enabling her on that path while not truly helping her find real answers, which she will have to find for herself.

Having zero control over this is driving me nuts! I am just left here wondering what can possibly going on in her head, trying to make sense of it all and rationalize everything.


Thank you all for listening and sharing your wisdom to help me stay strong.

[DnJ]

Hello b89

Everyone goes through transitions from one life stage to another. Around late twenties, early thirties, one shifts/settles into a “long haul” mindset of family and career. That realization, accepting, and embracing of such responsibility is significantly different from the young adult stage and the newly found freedoms and experiences of exited adolescence.

All life transitions are significant. And for some folks those shifts are more troubling and harder to accept. A crisis is when a transition goes awry.

A midlife crisis happens at midlife, when the pressures of mortality and empty nest press. When life’s accolades and regrets stand starkly against the inescapable fact that there is less time to do what one has put off for another day. That particular time - midlife - has the singular power to break someone.

The seeds for such a midlife crisis would have been planted long ago, during one’s formative years. Abuses, torments, etc. from someone in a position of authority. There those seeds lay dormant, unrealized, unrecognized, and buried, until midlife. Such torment and pain buried from so long ago. And things buried alive will haunt later.

Is your W having a crisis or more a difficult transition. Both have emotional turmoil. Yet a crisis is much worse. There is a consuming, a confusion, an utter need and being driven to some very extreme behaviours as they attempt to run from their freshly uncovered and unknown feelings. It’s a fate I’d not wish upon anyone. MLC is absolutely horrible!

Your W is in her thirties. There may be a crisis element to her transition, for a quarter life crisis is also a thing. However, for most, QLC is not as consuming as MLC. For unlike midlife, at quarter life, one can indeed re-bury those haunts. Of course, that is not healthy nor wanted. And some do indeed face their pains and work through them.

Be W’s journey a crisis or emotional turmoil or difficult transition, or WAS, or WW, your path is the same. Time and space. She is on her path, and you thankfully were not invited.

You are correct, you do not, and cannot, control this. You can only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

You can, through that which you do control, exert influence upon W and the situation. Letting your actions speak. Allowing W to see and choose to alter her path. Interestingly, that is best accomplished when you don’t try to display the new and improved you. You just live it and become it.

D

[Sunflyer]

Hello everyone,

10 days ago, my wife told me "I don't know if I can do this anymore", packed some clothes and went to her parent's house.

...

She is very social, I am an introvert. I admitted I should have made more effort to meet her in the middle. I was very adamant that I was willing to go to therapy, work on myself and our relationship. She said she wished she could believe me but wasn't sure she wanted to give me another chance. She ultimately kept saying she needed "time and space".

Now here's the thing. She has been hanging out more and more with a male friend over the last couple of months. I brought up to her that it made me uncomfortable but she reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. I think she's been having an emotional (hopefully) affair with the guy.

I want to get my wife back. I am devastated. I am mourning the loss of the person I once knew and have shared so many memories with. The past 10 days have undoubtedly been the hardest of my entire life. The emotional and physical stress this has taken on me is indescribable. I am a shell of the person I once was.

I am slowly realizing that I have been co-dependent on her emotionally. I am a very sensitive person and although most people couldn't tell, I have anxiety and confidence issues and she was my rock. I want to say that I have also been hers many many times. Losing my emotional support, my spouse, my partner overnight has been completely debilitating. We had always been extremely close, both physically and mentally, so the abrupt change has been a total shock.

Hello b89:

I am very sorry to read of your situation. I wanted to reply to you because of all the stories I have read here, yours is probably the closest to mine. There are almost eerie parallels, although my W has not moved out.

Like you, I am an introvert and my W is an extrovert. It never seemed to be a problem; we seemed to complement each other until she wanted to divorce, at which time my introversion became "rudeness" and "standoffishness."

The male friend is a red flag. As others have said, it is likely there will be an affair if there isn't one already. My W is in an affair (although I don't think she sees it that way; since she wants a divorce, she no doubt sees this as merely the next chapter in her life). My W was one of those who always said she hated cheaters and liars, yet here she is. She has been sloppy about covering up the affair, but she continues to act as if I know nothing.

I also feel there was an element of co-dependency in our relationship. She has long standing body image issues and was very overweight when we met, but I accepted her as she was. I feel as though she may have been afraid she wouldn't find someone else who would, so perhaps she latched onto me despite having some unstated reservations about how suitable I was for her. I had some insecurities of my own back then, and she made me feel good about myself so that may have been the "drug" I took from her.

I called her "my rock" too, just like you. Through major life changes (the deaths of my parents, the births of our children) she was the one constant.

You will indeed feel as though you don't recognize her. She will probably reveal many painful thoughts as time goes on. You need to prepare for that. A few years ago, I could do no wrong in my wife's eyes. I was kind, gentle, gracious, giving, a wonderful father, beautiful, and more. Now I am uncaring, narcissistic, secretive, and a lousy parent, to name only a few. This is known as rewriting history. Be ready for her to emphasize all your bad qualities, and even make a few up that you didn't know you had. She will do her best to convince herself that getting rid of you is in her best interest, and that she has not contributed to the current situation, only you.

You are already getting good advice. Paying attention to where you have gone wrong, and improving that, will only benefit your future. It is a struggle to let go of her; I know from experience how hard it is. But she is not controllable. She may light quite a few fires before she is done. You just need to stay out of the flames.

[Sunflyer]

My other fear is that she is currently staying with her mom, who had the exact same phase around the same age and divorced her dad to be wild and free and had a series of PA's. I am afraid that her mom is totally going along with what her daughter is going through and enabling her on that path while not truly helping her find real answers, which she will have to find for herself.

I would not be surprised by this at all. She will probably embrace anyone who will reinforce her opinion and if anyone tries to challenge her, she will reject them as wrong. My wife's parents completely support her decision, not just to divorce but also have accepted her affair partner as "family." (I know this through overheard phone conversations; I told you she was sloppy).

[broken89]

Thank DnJ for the detailed explanation.

Sunflyer, it does sound like our stories share a lot of similarities.

Are you making any progress at all with DB? How long have you been separated?

[Sunflyer]

Thank DnJ for the detailed explanation.

Sunflyer, it does sound like our stories share a lot of similarities.

Are you making any progress at all with DB? How long have you been separated?

I am making progress with DB, in the sense that I am more and more focusing on my own life and my future. I like the progress I am making. My self confidence has improved, and I have identified things that need fixing and am trying to address them. It is a piece-by-piece process.

In the sense of saving the marriage, I've basically accepted that it is toast. She is fully entrenched in her affair, and as I've mentioned it appears that to her family he is not an "affair partner" but a "boyfriend."

She seems to be betting on a future with him at this point.

We are not yet physically separated. Most likely that will happen within the next few months. She filed for divorce quickly but has been dragging her feet on the financial paperwork.

[Pattnee5]

Hi Broken
I am so sorry to hear your story. It amazes me how many start to come out at this time of year leading into the holidays. MLC absolutely is horrible. I would absolutely go back to your home away from her for the holidays. Go and have fun smile laugh. The emotional roller coaster you are on is absolutely horrible but you will be ok. You only control you. You can’t control her. Let her be, pull away let her realise the reality of losing you and your worth. And I agree there is definitely an affair. We have all been in denial and it comes out later. I feel your pain. I am almost at a year since Bd when my H dropped the bomb. I wished I could have got away I think I would have healed better and quicker but I had to step up and be the best mum to my kids. try not to dwell on the affair partner. It will serve you no good. You control where your mind and thoughts go and keep them far away from the OM. He is just a blanket for her he is nothing. She obviously needed somethinf( to feel young and feel like she still has it maybe) and found someone who is saying the right things to make her feel good. They forget about their family their spouse their stability. Let the affair run its course. Hardly any of them last. Go on living and have fun if she sees you having fun she will feel what she has lost and she will hate it.
Keep on going, reading, it does get easier it just takes time

[broken89]

Thank you for the support Pattnee5!

It is indeed a rollercoaster of emotions. It is very difficult for me to focus on anything else. I will be seemingly OK one minute and crying the next. I can't stop my brain from trying to find a logical answer and wanting to "fix" it.

The last 2 nights have been particularly difficult. I have been wanting to reach out to her but resisted the urge. I know it would only make me feel worse and be counterproductive.

I have this strange need inside of me to make her feel and realize how much pain and trauma she has put me through. I really do not think I deserve this. I know the person I loved and cared for would've been devastated to see me like this.

[Card29]

Hi broken,

I'm going through my second divorce. Thankfully found DB the first time 9 years ago as that one was much more traumatic to me, similar to how you're feeling. I lost 30 lbs (I only weighed 160 when it started, so it was a lot), didn't see how my life could continue, etc. Kind's original post to you hits all of the nails on the head. I made new friends, started going to the gym and lifting weights, started new activities. It was still a roller coaster for many months, but eventually I had a eureka moment and knew I was completely over xW. I happily moved on with my life. About a year later, with her affair having fallen apart, she confessed the affair to me (I had already learned about it but never told her I knew) and she asked if I wanted to try again with her. As Kind described, she finally wanted me back when I was truly happily moving on from her, not even acting. And also as Kind says, I didn't want her back at that point.

Now it [censored] I'm going through this again, but I think I just have a poor choice in wives, women that seemingly needed me to be happy. Eventually their anxiety, depression or other internal issues overwhelm them and I'm not enough to mask it anymore. They found a new flame that gave them the addictive escape and happiness. I wish I'd learned that the first time, but maybe I at least learn it the second time. Be thankful you don't have kids with your W. I have a kid with each of my ex's now, so moving away from my city is not an option.

Keep learning this road. Yes you want to save your M, but the best way to do that is to detach and save yourself. Don't get discouraged by hard days/weeks or DB slip-ups. Just keep moving forward. Find new activities, but also don't run from your feelings too much. You do need to feel them in order to process them. Don't cover them up by constantly being busy, and especially not with drugs/alcohol/food/sex. It will just delay your grief process or even make it impossible to really get over it. So while you're doing new things, also find some time each day for self reflection and feeling whatever emotions you have (good or bad). Stick with this, and you will eventually get to the point where you are happily moving on with your life. That will be the best chance for your W to reconsider, and it will also be the version of you that doesn't care much if she does try to come back.

[broken89]

Thank you Card29 for sharing your experience and wisdom! It really helps learning that others have been through hell and back before me and that I am not alone. I am sorry you find yourself having to go through it again.

I think I am especially struggling because I am an introvert with no social circle around me. I do not socialize or make friends easily. I think going away for a bit to be with my family will hopefully help.

I am also self-employed which makes the situation more uncertain. I have been able to sustain a good income over the years, but it does ebb and flow. We always made sure all of our bills were covered on her income. Thankfully, we never lived beyond our means and have a decent amount of savings, but the unknown is really adding to my anxiety.

I know I need to take this opportunity to double down on the business and channel my energy into it. It hasn't even been two weeks since she left, so I think maybe I just need a bit more time to be able to fully focus.