You are correct, you want and it is important for your words actions to match. Some suggestions/tips:
Stop promoting divorce. Do not bring it up. For that keeps reinforcing that idea in her and you.
Treat W like a roommate. Let her go. Give her to God for a while.
Place boundaries on truly disrespectful behaviour towards you. This is an often misunderstood and misapplied item. Boundaries are not some mechanism to directly foster behavioural alterations in your spouse. Boundaries are a premeditated and pre-defined action you will take for a predetermined displayed disrespectful behaviour. For example: “I am willing to discuss things with you. However, when you swear and yell at me, I will leave the room.” And you enforce it. Boundaries will be tested, and they best be rock solid.
Dig for patience. Realize that doing nothing is doing something. Words and actions. The less you say, the less you have to enact. Ensure you speak not from fleeting feelings, rather from logic and reason, and better yet, speak from your core values.
Ah, core values. This is a big one. You need time to discover you. Dig deep. Really find you. We all have prejudices and beliefs and values; some are noble and some are ugly. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. And discard or alter that which does not serve.
I once believed infidelity was unforgivable. Simple put, I was wrong. Until one is facing such, one really does not know what they can or cannot, well more aptly - will or will not, do. There can be no testament without test.
Be careful making proclamations. For you cannot unring a bell. And believe me, your viewpoint will change during your journey.
Do not live your life and take actions based upon what W does or does not do. Live your life, take actions, based on you. That ownership, that responsibility, requires time to first understand one’s self. Take that time.
You have the gift of time. Use it wisely.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
