Welcome to the community. I am sorry you find yourself in your situation.
I’m glad you have found Divorce Remedy, lots of good information in there. I will copy Cadet’s welcome thread which has many links to a trove of helpful information as well.
As you wisely stated and realize W’s behaviour of drinking, staying out late, even not coming home, and such, is all too common. And sadly, affairs are all too common as well.
Affairs are symptoms, mere band-aids, futile attempts to feel better regarding some deep unresolved pains, hurts, depression, and unhappiness that dwells within these lost souls. Your W’s path has much more to do about her than you. Her blaming, justifications, rewriting history, and new narrative is pretty standard stuff as they try to ignore and escape their problems. Basically, treat it as such. And remember, you cannot fix her, for you didn’t break her.
You have identified some areas for self improvement. Very good. Make changes that you want. Make changes for you. Become the best version of you. All for you and your life. It also has the added benefit of being noticed by W. What may happen is unknown and unwritten.
Originally Posted by Maturin
… the forum posts I've read here have given me hope that I can turn my situation around, whether that means staying married or not.
This is a most true statement. You absolutely can turn your situation around. You can save you, the marriage is a bonus. That, as counterintuitive as it sounds, is the DB path.
My view of promoting divorce is such: Leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who is wanting out, or stepping out of the marriage/vows. Let them do the work. You don’t stand in their way, yet you don’t necessarily pave the path either.
However, if you (and/or the kids) need financial protection or security - get it.
Time and space are your primary allies in your DBing efforts. W needs to feel the loss of you. Let her feel how it is to be somewhat divorced, to lose her emotional support person. Then she may decide/choose to turn from her present trajectory.
Focus on you and the kids. No R-talks. No divorce talks, especially initiated by you. Let her have time to burn through some of her feelings to get to feel guilt, shame, regret, etc; feelings that are much more helpful to your cause.
Continue with 180s that resonate with you. Be happy around her. Live and love your life. Be kind and cordial towards her.
By the sounds of things W has a few demons to find her peace with. That will take time. Your best course is to minimize the target she is painting upon you. Do not be baited into arguments, for you cannot win. She would fight tooth and nail that sky is red regardless of anything you might say.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do when starting out. And it sounds like you are already walking along that path rather well.
I look forward to talking further with you.
Have a great day.
DnJ
- - - -
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
