I've spent a week reading through the archives and am halfway through Divorce Remedy. My story is below, I am looking forward to hearing some direct input from the veterans here. W36 and SAHM, M39, S8, D6, S5. We've been together 13 years and married 10.
A few years ago my W began the typical WAW behaviors: drinking more, staying out very late, and being disrespectful to me in private and public. We've always been social and have lots of friends and family nearby, but she began going out without me and staying out until 2 or 3 in the morning, or on some occasions not coming home at all. The bars she was frequenting were dives and/or singles-type places. This caused arguments between us, and I made all the usual mistakes: criticizing her, judging her, explaining my rationale on why her behavior was inappropriate. In the meantime our sex life was waning and I was making the typical mistakes there too: complaining, explaining how it wasn't normal to be having sex once per month or less, etc. As you can guess, the more I pressured the more she distanced herself.
In my desperation I found various online resources that described my situation perfectly, and I became educated on attraction dynamics in long-term relationships. I learned about pursuer-distancer dynamics, attachment styles (W is very avoidant, I'm anxious), and hired a couple of online coaches to guide me along the way. I slowly began changing my behaviors and would notice weeks/months of improvement in our relationship, but nothing that lasted. My wife's drinking continued (she is a weekend binge drinker) and her behavior became more erratic. She would often talk in front of me and others about other guys she found hot, or guys who she thought wanted to sleep with her. She would be aggressive with me on dates, talking about how she always gets hit on when she goes out. At this point I had learned about boundaries and began communicating mine: I would not be in a relationship with someone who is acting single. She would respond that I was being controlling and I needed to give her space.
She began IC but was very skeptical of it, and only attended for about 3 months. I asked her to schedule a couples counseling appointment because I felt our issues needed to be addressed, and she agreed. Around the same time we attended a wedding at which she got very drunk and behaved inappropriately - I won't go into details, but she looked like single person on the dance floor. The next day I told her I was not ok with the behavior and that I'd like her to explain what is going on, she said she wanted to wait until MC.
Three months later she came home after a day of drinking and asked me to sit with her. We sat down and I simply said "I know something is bothering you and I would love it if you told me what it was." It was then that she came clean: three years earlier she had a brief physical affair with a married man in our neighborhood. According to her it was over before it began and there have been no other incidents, and the behavior since then was a form of acting out/punishing herself. She said she was sorry over and over, I told her I wanted to D, she said she didn't. In the days following I told her infidelity and lying were deal breakers and I wouldn't tolerate them, but agreed to attend MC and take my time with a final decision.
That was two months ago. In the meantime I've put a basic D proposal in front of her which she has balked at. She has reverted to blaming me for the affair while also being verbally apologetic, but she is far from showing any real remorse in my view. She refuses to provide any details about the A. We attended a few MC sessions but after the last one I decided to stop going because she was very negative on them and thought they were a waste of time. She is still drinking and going out, and will often come home drunk and wake me up to tell me she doesn't want to get divorced and then launch into a tirade on all of the things I need to change. A few days ago during one of these drunken sessions she began telling me she wasn't sorry for the affair and that I needed to back off and leave her alone. Essentially she wants to stay together for logistical/financial reasons and be left alone to behave how she pleases. My sense is that her family, who we are both very close to, are deeply disappointed in her and are adding to the pressure. The A is known to them and a few close friends that she's confided in.
I'm here on the forums because I don't want to lose my family, but I refuse to stay in the marriage I'm in today so I am open to any and all guidance. This situation has been immensely painful but the forum posts I've read here have given me hope that I can turn my situation around, whether that means staying married or not. Fortunately for me, I recognized two years ago that my marriage was at the center of my life and identity in an unhealthy way and have done well at GAL since then. After DDay we spent several weeks not speaking (we still live together and both sleep in the MB) but since discovering the forums I have reverted to being relaxed and cheerful around my wife and am focused on the 180 process. I've always spent a lot of time with my kids and am a very involved dad, but I've doubled down since D-Day. I love them more than I can express and am very worried about the impact a D would have. While I know kids are very perceptive and can likely guess that something is amiss, we do not argue in front of them. Unfortunately my wife has woken them up on several occasions when she comes homes drunk and yells at me.
There is so much more to say but I'll leave it here. Thank you all for reading, I'm looking forward to joining the community.
