I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. Having the rug pulled out from under you is quite a shock. And I well know how devastating it all feels. Hang in there.
Have you read Divorce Remedy by MWD? It’s a really good resource. Highly recommended.
Do keep the DBing books, site, and techniques close to your chest. Do not tell W. She will see it as insincere manipulation in an attempt to win her back. Best to keep all this to yourself.
Originally Posted by broken89
I know the chances may be slim, but I am hoping she has a moment of clarity and realize what she is throwing away. I want to try and do everything in my power to regain her respect, trust and love. I know it starts with doing a 180, focusing on myself and emotionally detaching from her, but it is HARD!
Yes, it is very hard!
This path is highly counterintuitive. It will feel wrong.
Originally Posted by broken89
Any advice on how to handle myself, the situation and how to maximize my chances of saving my marriage would be appreciated.
Focus on you. Make changes, for you! That way those changes are permanent. GAL.
Realize before W can have any moment(s) of realization of what she is throwing away, she needs to feel it. To feel the loss.
Time and space. Give her plenty of each. Let her feel it.
W will be projecting upon you, and justifying her leaving by your actions. When she starts to feel doubts she will bait you into arguments and such to resupply her “reasoning”. Do not take the bait. And no R-talks!
Time and space. Minimize the target she is painting upon you. In time, hopefully, W will realize that “hey, b89 hasn’t been bothering me lately and I’m still unhappy.” Then, with some luck, she will consider/realize that you aren’t cause and she will look inward.
Giving time and space is within your power. Within your control.
DBing will save you, and gives you the best chance at saving your marriage.
Originally Posted by broken89
Any suggestions on how to deal with emotional setbacks?
You bet.
Realize setbacks are perfectly normal and healthy. In my view, setbacks are misnamed. We have to revisit, to re-feel, as we move forward and heal. So setbacks are actually forward movement.
Finding detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Detachment is when your emotions are no longer uncontrollably dragged about by W’s words and/or behaviours. You will still feel, just not uncontrollably. You will be able to exert influence upon your emotions.
Do feel your emotions. Find safe secure times and places to feel your pain, loss, anger, grief, and so on. Lean into them. Let them wash over you. Embrace your feelings, and release them.
Feelings are fleeting, unless reinforced. Let them flit.
The more you embrace and feel, the more you rationalize your feelings. The more you rationalize, the more you cleave/uncouple those triggers, and events, and associated feelings. Less triggering, yields more influence and control, which yields less emotional setbacks. All positive emotional growth.
When first starting out, this is all very difficult and quite out of control. Don’t fret. Perfect normal. Keep at it. In time you will get better and better.
I look forward to speaking with you.
Hang in there.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
