oh boy where do I start?! I'm not sure how I stumbled upon the books but I bought them both around March 2022. Tried, failed, tried, failed. Fast forward to Oct 20 2023 and I find out he took out a HELOC on our home and it seems to me that all my signatures were forged. He also went to the club with some friends and was dancing with a women, touching her waste, grinding on her and slapped her butt 3 times. I WAS LIVID. I have had access to his ipad for 2 years and its been like an obsession to snoop. He has always talked to other women. As far as I know and what he has told me, he hasn't had sex with any other women. He talks and talks and talks with sooo many other people and women. He has said he doesn't feel safe to talk to me. I can understand that. He has been talking to a single woman since July and I just found out it is a daily thing. I don't see flirting or anything like that, but they do drink together, as far as I know they aren't alone together. She's one of the "guys" He's always been one to say there isn't anything wrong with men having female friends. Of course I've had an issue with this since day 1. There have been others, one who was a coworker who just turned 30. They still talk but not so much since she kind of ignores him. But the second she calls him, he jumps.
Issues he has brought up in the past, he wants us to completely stop arguing. We have always argued, ALL the time. I have figured out part of the reasons for me is I want to be cared for and I don't feel cared for so I badger and pursue constantly. He has always said he wants to be listened to and validated. He has said he wants to be respected more times than I can remember.
I have in the past name called, and been very disrespectful. I haven't acted like that in years. He brings it up from time to time and will say, you treated me like this for 20 years! It seems no matter what I do he's just siting there waiting for me to act like that again.
So on Oct 21, I was so furious that I saw that video of him I just couldn't stand it anymore. (he has absolutely no idea I know or see any of his messages) I was obviously upset and asked him if I were to ask him to stop doing things that upset me, would he and he said no. So many conversations end up with him saying, well, maybe we should go our separate ways, this conversation was no different. He said he wanted the house, I said the same. I haven't pursued one time since. We have slept in separate bedrooms for about 2 years now and I used to go to his room, to talk, whatever. I haven't done that, not once. I have just left him alone and live my life. I have been talking to a coach I found on here for the past few weeks. I have been going to the gym every other day. Going out, dressing up, being to myself. Oct 22, he came to me to tell me that he wasn't going to be rude to me and ignore me throughout the house or not look at me(he's always been a huge stonewaller) The only communication has been that he has told me a couple of times that I look nice, good night, have a nice day, have a fun time, have a great time, sleep good. Much of this is in texts. We both come and go and do whatever. That day he turned the location off of his phone and hasn't worn his ring since. (he has worn his ring off and on for the past 2 years)
Then Nov 12 came and he texted me at 7am if I was awake, I said yes and he wanted to talk. He said he wanted to make sure that I know that he is not having sex with anyone else. That he isn't hitting on anyone else or anything like that. I have no reason not to believe him. I told him that I was doing the same and will continue to. He gave me like 5 very long hugs and ended up kissing me. Later that day he was going to the bar with friends and one of them contacted me to see if I wanted to go. I went and asked my H what I should say and he immediately said NO. He said it would be awkward and uncomfortable for him and everyone. That we weren't going there as husband and wife. I didn't continue and said ok and left it at that. I didn't go. Told him to have fun. (I say this a lot to him because he has always said it and fun is important to him)
Fast forward to that evening, he came to my room to say good night, and to hug me. Very long hugs yet again. Then kissing, then touching like he was initiating sex. I paused, said I want it to be right and he agreed and nothing happened further. Said he was mentally stressed and refused to talk about it, I didn't press the issue. The next few days he barely spoke to me, definitely hasn't touched me or hugged me since. I am pmsing and trying not to lose my sh$T yesterday when I came home at 2pm and he was supposed to be working from home. I found out that he was helping this woman he has been talking to since July move into her new house. There was another friend there to supposedly. I ended up calling him and played dumb and said I didn't see you, whats going on? he told me exactly what he was doing. I have met this woman and have her as a "friend" on social media. At that point I haven't snooped in 22 days. It caused me so much anxiety and stress that I just decided to stop. I have 2 medications for it and it was just doing me so much harm. Well, I lost it yesterday and looked at all the messages. Things that were said "are you having a midlife crisis?" he said "No, I've spent 2 decades allowing myself to be told what to do. I'm over that sh$t." she asked about him having a coming out of marriage party, he said "Yes!! we've already started the talk." She is giving him advice on how to blow his $ now so he doesn't have to give it to me, go be happy, blah blah. She was engaged and broke it off at the beginning of this year I believe. He told another person "Snowball and I have decided to go our separate ways, probably file after the holidays"
It just doesn't seem like anything I do is helping, working or making any sort of impact. I keep getting asked, if I even want this marriage and honestly, I don't even know anymore. We both have been so unhappy for so long. Him it seems more so. He's best friends with our 18 year old son, even told me during the conversation last SUN, that he is his "person" I'm glad they have a great relationship but that really was difficult to hear. I want to be his person! I feel like so much of this went downhill because of covid. I used to bowl on a league with him and I quit 2 years ago. He continues to go without me. I have always wanted the one on one time, dates and that sort of thing and he rather do fun, group things and I was just over it. I've been called needy, I should get some friends, and get a life. Well, I've been doing just that!
Other things I probably should mention, Jan 2022 we sat down had a long discussion and I asked him if he wanted to be done, he said yes. We discussed a few things never made any formal plans and never really spoke much about it since. He immediately called his realtor and went house hunting 2 days later. he actually put in a few offers I believe in the 18 months since then. They got rejected and it just never panned out. The housing market in crazy right now. Mostly when he will say he wants out, wants a divorce etc, it is in the middle of an argument or the end and we are both very upset. He has never come to me all calmly and said it. Things that may be relevant. He was legally married when we met. I was 21, he was 22. They lived in another state, stop being together and I met him 10 months later. He never told me he was married. I found out 18 months later because he ex sent divorce papers in the mail. That has always been something that has stung and just unbelievable to me that he couldn't tell me. That's the way he is. He also had an emotional affair in 2006. Our son was only 1 then. It was a rough time. He cut all ties and we moved on, or maybe we didn't because here I am.
I just feel like I can't compete with all these other people. Our son, these women and even male friends. They all make him happy and I don't. its all about football, bowling, games, and work. Where do I even fit in?! he drinks 3-4 times/week, and right now he's been on the couch all morning. He is a huge Chrismas fan and I'm sure he's quite sad. I just can never go back to the way we used to be. Arguing all the time, me pursuing, but I want to be happy too. I want to be cared for and loved. I have no idea if HE will ever do that. Thank for you reading this and any help is appreciated.
Last edited by Snowball; 11/18/2305:22 PM.
H 48 W 48 S 18(still lives with us) S 29(mine) D 28 S 27(his who live out of state)
Don’t walk. RUN, and run very fast away from this man.
I’m a big supporter of DB and marriage saving techniques where there is reason to save a marriage.
In your case, there’s simply zero reasons to save your marriage. Every day you wait you put your financial future and security further at risk.
Let me lay it out really clearly for you:
1. He is sleeping with other women, without a shadow of a doubt 2. He has forged your signature on loan documents
He has committed a crime. He should be in jail. There’s a very good chance that all the equity in your home has been wasted away at bars and strip clubs. Unbeknownst to you, you may be essentially broke. Anytime now, you can expect the bank may repossess your house.
Do nothing other than screenshot everything you can on his iPad and then make an appointment Monday morning to see a lawyer. The very first thing that the lawyer should do is contact the bank to advise there has been loan fraud, and put a hold on everything.
I’m sorry snowball. But this marriage is 100% finished for now. Try to save it at your own peril.
Welcome to the boards. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. I suspect you feel pulled in so many different directions.
I see you have the Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting books. Those are an excellent resource and have much valuable information.
I will paste a copy of Cadet’s welcome post below for your reference, which has links to plenty of good information as well.
It sounds like bomb drop happened sometime back in 2021. You and H had a long conversation / discussion in January 2022 in which he answered yes he’d like to be done. And he has done basically nothing to push ending things forward since then. I suspect it was around that time then when you and H then arranged separate bedrooms as well.
The following two years have become the past. Living in separate bedrooms, and somewhat separate lives. An equilibrium (or stalemate) situation between you two formed.
Originally Posted by Snowball
Mostly when he will say he wants out, wants a divorce etc, it is in the middle of an argument or the end and we are both very upset. He has never come to me all calmly and said it.
This is good to recognize. Consider things said when calm differently than that which is said when in the heat of the moment.
Do not bring up divorce as a topic in your conversations. If you notice H only said “yes” to your question of wanting to be done, which is different than actually promoting wanting to be done. As well, no need to reinforce or encourage H’s feelings/thoughts of divorce by initiating conversations about it. I know it’s difficult, however the more you seek confirmation of him not wanting out, the more you push him towards that very door.
It does sound like H is unhappy. He has a hole inside himself which he is trying to fill. And he is blaming / targeting you as the cause for his unhappiness. This is a rather commonplace relationship stress and problem. One or both partners expecting the other to make them happy and/or bring them happiness.
Thing is, happiness comes from within. Most folks try to find happiness through external sources. Presently H is looking for his happy feelings with younger friends, and various activities. He won’t find it there. At best, he will have fleeting moments of not being unhappy rather than true joy.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I just feel like I can't compete with all these other people. Our son, these women and even male friends. They all make him happy and I don't. it’s all about football, bowling, games, and work. Where do I even fit in?!
You are the wife. The prize. That’s where you fit in!
I understand, H is pushing you away. “They all make him happy and I don’t”, is not true. H’s behaviours and words are about him and his deeper unhappiness.
His activities are a distraction. A temporary band-aid for an unhappy soul. When alone in the dark, laying in bed, his demons will play. All his efforts leave him feeling hollow, which he cannot yet face.
Realize, you did not break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
H is captain of his ship. He needs to find his course and his happiness. Your best course is to minimize the target he is painting upon you. This is not walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around. Rather, it’s being confident and living your life. Focusing on you. Living for you. And letting H run to catch up. Letting the chips fall where they will.
One of the tenets of such a positive attitude and life are boundaries. Firm and premeditated actions you will take in the face of disrespectful behaviour. This is not punishment nor some manipulation or trick. Simply you controlling what you can control - you.
You can only control three things in this life. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
So, a boundaries most often has one removing themselves from the unwanted / disrespectful situation before it escalates further. One does not directly try to control or alter the offending party’s behaviour or words. However, it becomes very clear that you will not tolerate such behaviours and the onus is upon H to change, or not.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I have in the past name called, and been very disrespectful. I haven't acted like that in years. He brings it up from time to time and will say, you treated me like this for 20 years! It seems no matter what I do he's just siting there waiting for me to act like that again.
You’ve likely apologized for your past behaviour. And you are no longer doing that. Now, let it go. Forgive yourself.
H has noticed your change. He brings up the past, because it is some of his justification for his feelings and projection of unhappiness upon you. There is a mixture of thinking you will revert back to previous behaviour, and he does not want to acknowledge the new you for he would lose his “reason” and have to look at himself. Folks embroiled in unhappiness and depression also tend to rewrite their history to fit their current inner narrative.
Originally Posted by Snowball
he drinks 3-4 times/week, and right now he's been on the couch all morning. He is a huge Chrismas fan and I'm sure he's quite sad.
Yep, unhappy and depressed behaviour.
As I said, you’ve apologized and have changed. Do not go back to old habits. And no need to apologize again. When/if H brings this topic up: “H, I’m sorry you feel this way. I have acknowledged and apologized for my past behaviours towards you, and have treated you better for many years now.”
To the present conundrums:
Originally Posted by Snowball
[H] went to the club with some friends and was dancing with a women, touching her waste, grinding on her and slapped her butt 3 times. I WAS LIVID. I have had access to his ipad for 2 years and it’s been like an obsession to snoop. He has always talked to other women. As far as I know and what he has told me, he hasn't had sex with any other women. He talks and talks and talks with sooo many other people and women. He has said he doesn't feel safe to talk to me. I can understand that. He has been talking to a single woman since July and I just found out it is a daily thing. I don't see flirting or anything like that, but they do drink together, as far as I know they aren't alone together. She's one of the "guys" He's always been one to say there isn't anything wrong with men having female friends. Of course I've had an issue with this since day 1. There have been others, one who was a coworker who just turned 30. They still talk but not so much since she kind of ignores him. But the second she calls him, he jumps.
H’s behaviour is way out of line, disrespectful of you and your marriage. And has a rather creepy factor with a 48 year old man hanging out and fraternizing with a 30 year old (an almost daughter age) woman.
There may not be a physical affair or sex going on. However, an emotional affair looks pretty clear. Albeit that emotional feeling could be more one way. Her using H for money or drinks or whatever, and H feeling younger and such.
Both are using the other. Such is an affair. A band-aid, a symptom, of a deeper problem. Realize this has nothing to do with you, it’s about him.
Focus on you. Live and love you life. While H is partaking in such behaviour - no cake eating! Let the chips fall where they will.
Martial problem never get better by bringing a third person into the mix. You can be clear on your desired behaviours from H. And craft and enforce boundaries to that end. Then leave it alone, no nagging. GAL. Give H plenty of rope and agency to do what he will (since he will anyhow). Let him feel the loss of you.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I find out he took out a HELOC on our home and it seems to me that all my signatures were forged.
Yikes!
Snow, your are on two paths. There is the business path and the emotional/healing path. Good Divorce Busting does have one being aware and taking action on both paths. When dealing with business keep your emotions out of it, be business-like.
Get information on your finances. What accounts you have. Assets, investments, debts, etc. What’s joint and what’s solely in your name. Find out what bills and liabilities you have and are responsible for. Plenty of spouses have found out their partner got a credit card and ran up a huge bill without them being informed.
Get the information on this, or any other, loan against the equity of your house and/or assets. Find out how much of the loan has been utilized. And find out if H did indeed forge your signature.
Forging your signature is unacceptable. If that happened, you are going to having to straighten that out.
This bring up - speak with a lawyer. Forging aside, speaking with a lawyer is a good idea. You should find out your legal rights and options in this situation. Not to push any divorce forward, just gathering information is all. And knowledge is power. It’s a good idea to be prepared if things do suddenly go very sideways.
However, if some financial shady dealing have gone down, definitely get that fixed. Do not take on H’s financial mess.
Once you have a clear picture of where you are financially. What H has done. Then, if you need financial protection or security - get it. You are 48, worked and amassed a nest egg, and have to consider your future.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I want to be happy too. I want to be cared for and loved. I have no idea if HE will ever do that.
Your happiness is inside you, and not contingent upon H’s behaviour, mood, or proximity.
Care for and love you! Become the best version of yourself, for you! Make changes because you want them.
Focus on you. Give H plenty of time and space. Let him walk his path. You walk your’s. And love your life.
I look forward to speaking with you.
Hope you have a great day.
DnJ
- - - -
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Don’t walk. RUN, and run very fast away from this man.
I’m a big supporter of DB and marriage saving techniques where there is reason to save a marriage.
In your case, there’s simply zero reasons to save your marriage. Every day you wait you put your financial future and security further at risk.
Let me lay it out really clearly for you:
1. He is sleeping with other women, without a shadow of a doubt 2. He has forged your signature on loan documents
He has committed a crime. He should be in jail. There’s a very good chance that all the equity in your home has been wasted away at bars and strip clubs. Unbeknownst to you, you may be essentially broke. Anytime now, you can expect the bank may repossess your house.
Do nothing other than screenshot everything you can on his iPad and then make an appointment Monday morning to see a lawyer. The very first thing that the lawyer should do is contact the bank to advise there has been loan fraud, and put a hold on everything.
I’m sorry snowball. But this marriage is 100% finished for now. Try to save it at your own peril.
I suppose I should give more details. This is just what I know. I have zero recollection of a HELOC. I don't remember signing any papers for it, I don't remember any conversation about it. I just found out about it because I have a credit reporting on him that I can sign in and see if he has opened any new accts, balances that sort of thing. I haven't signed in, in quite some time and low and behold there it showed a $25,000 loan that I was unfamiliar with. It started out as $15,000 over 3 years ago.(with an immediate $15k transfer and could withdrawal up to $25k) We did have home improvements and our son got married that summer. I am not exactly sure what the money was used for. Then the loan gradually got up to the $25k. There are some transfers to a stock website. Other than that, it seems money is coming out, being paid back and this is back and forth over the years. Our house was paid off prior to that. This sort of information is public knowledge, I went on the county website to find info on it because its a loan against the house.
I have all the papers from the bank. My signature(a signature that doesn't look like mine at all) is on 3 of the papers. There is even a copy of my id. I have no idea who signed those forms, but it sure as hell wasn't me. They are notarized too. Granted, this was during covid so I have no idea the bs that could have happened. The actual loan is in his name only. It required my signature because we are married and have a home together and that is the law. I believe with what I have I could prove that I shouldn't be responsible for this loan and if we were to end things, I would hope that would hold true.
A bit of back story. He grew up really poor. Money is very important to him, also that his kids want for nothing. He hasn't been the best at budgeting since I have known him.
He also got a new job nearly 4 years ago making quite a bit more money and ever since then has been very protective of his money. I have asked to re-sort how things are paid as we were paying a % each for the bills. Well, if he makes more $ shouldn't he pay more? I've worked part time and I think he's resented me for years since our youngest kid is older now as he thinks I should work more hours and/or make more money. Of course I like and want money but he spends WAY more than I ever do. Any time he does something he has to go all out and imo wastes sooo very much money than I ever would or could. Things he spends money on, I never would in my lifetime even if I earned double what he does. So our values don't line up there at all. Of course, when he showers me with gifts I don't complain. I have just left it alone since he got this new job. If he wants to spend all his money and be stressed and broke, I guess that's on him. but here I am with this loan that I just found out about.
As far as him sleeping with other women, I have zero proof of that. Of course no one can be 100% sure but I have known him for 26 years and I don't believe that is the case. During covid we both worked from home, I have known of his location. He sleeps at home, he hasn't vanished for days of even hours where I don't know where he is. That is the ultimate sin according to him. I just don't have anything else to say about that.
H 48 W 48 S 18(still lives with us) S 29(mine) D 28 S 27(his who live out of state)
It sounds like bomb drop happened sometime back in 2021. You and H had a long conversation / discussion in January 2022 in which he answered yes he’d like to be done. And he has done basically nothing to push ending things forward since then. I suspect it was around that time then when you and H then arranged separate bedrooms as well.
The following two years have become the past. Living in separate bedrooms, and somewhat separate lives. An equilibrium (or stalemate) situation between you two formed.
We went to a short stint of counseling in summer/fall of 2021. It didn't work out well and the counselor was awful. I should have found a new one after 2 sessions. It ended up where everything was my fault, I constantly felt attacked and the last session I didn't even go. What a mistake that was because she filled his head with all sorts of bs with one being that I will never change and he has to put up with the way I am forever. One night after that I wanted closeness and he ignored me so I told him to leave our room. He never slept in our room again after that. We have a spare room that has his office and that has been his room since. Since talking about that, it was all a misunderstanding and I haven't really used my boundaries correctly and I should have walked out. I have hated it since, but really I sleep better since he has always snored. He knows his snoring bothers me so he feels bad bothering me. He also likes the bed, covers, whatever a certain way and I like mine a certain way. I don't like how it happened but as far as actual sleeping goes it works.
That went on for a few months and then the conversation where I asked him if he just wants to be done happened.
Originally Posted by Snowball
Mostly when he will say he wants out, wants a divorce etc, it is in the middle of an argument or the end and we are both very upset. He has never come to me all calmly and said it.
Originally Posted by DnJ
This is good to recognize. Consider things said when calm differently than that which is said when in the heat of the moment.
Do not bring up divorce as a topic in your conversations. If you notice H only said “yes” to your question of wanting to be done, which is different than actually promoting wanting to be done. As well, no need to reinforce or encourage H’s feelings/thoughts of divorce by initiating conversations about it. I know it’s difficult, however the more you seek confirmation of him not wanting out, the more you push him towards that very door.
It does sound like H is unhappy. He has a hole inside himself which he is trying to fill. And he is blaming / targeting you as the cause for his unhappiness. This is a rather commonplace relationship stress and problem. One or both partners expecting the other to make them happy and/or bring them happiness.
Thing is, happiness comes from within. Most folks try to find happiness through external sources. Presently H is looking for his happy feelings with younger friends, and various activities. He won’t find it there. At best, he will have fleeting moments of not being unhappy rather than true joy.
Thanks for this information. I agree and appreciate it.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I just feel like I can't compete with all these other people. Our son, these women and even male friends. They all make him happy and I don't. it’s all about football, bowling, games, and work. Where do I even fit in?!
Originally Posted by DnJ
You are the wife. The prize. That’s where you fit in!
I understand, H is pushing you away. “They all make him happy and I don’t”, is not true. H’s behaviours and words are about him and his deeper unhappiness.
His activities are a distraction. A temporary band-aid for an unhappy soul. When alone in the dark, laying in bed, his demons will play. All his efforts leave him feeling hollow, which he cannot yet face.
Realize, you did not break him, therefore you cannot fix him.
H is captain of his ship. He needs to find his course and his happiness. Your best course is to minimize the target he is painting upon you. This is not walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around. Rather, it’s being confident and living your life. Focusing on you. Living for you. And letting H run to catch up. Letting the chips fall where they will.
One of the tenets of such a positive attitude and life are boundaries. Firm and premeditated actions you will take in the face of disrespectful behaviour. This is not punishment nor some manipulation or trick. Simply you controlling what you can control - you.
You can only control three things in this life. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
So, a boundaries most often has one removing themselves from the unwanted / disrespectful situation before it escalates further. One does not directly try to control or alter the offending party’s behaviour or words. However, it becomes very clear that you will not tolerate such behaviours and the onus is upon H to change, or not.
I do need to practice that. Thank you for all that.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I have in the past name called, and been very disrespectful. I haven't acted like that in years. He brings it up from time to time and will say, you treated me like this for 20 years! It seems no matter what I do he's just siting there waiting for me to act like that again.
Originally Posted by DnJ
You’ve likely apologized for your past behaviour. And you are no longer doing that. Now, let it go. Forgive yourself.
H has noticed your change. He brings up the past, because it is some of his justification for his feelings and projection of unhappiness upon you. There is a mixture of thinking you will revert back to previous behaviour, and he does not want to acknowledge the new you for he would lose his “reason” and have to look at himself. Folks embroiled in unhappiness and depression also tend to rewrite their history to fit their current inner narrative.
Originally Posted by Snowball
he drinks 3-4 times/week, and right now he's been on the couch all morning. He is a huge Chrismas fan and I'm sure he's quite sad.
Yep, unhappy and depressed behaviour.
As I said, you’ve apologized and have changed. Do not go back to old habits. And no need to apologize again. When/if H brings this topic up: “H, I’m sorry you feel this way. I have acknowledged and apologized for my past behaviours towards you, and have treated you better for many years now.”
To the present conundrums:
Originally Posted by Snowball
[H] went to the club with some friends and was dancing with a women, touching her waste, grinding on her and slapped her butt 3 times. I WAS LIVID. I have had access to his ipad for 2 years and it’s been like an obsession to snoop. He has always talked to other women. As far as I know and what he has told me, he hasn't had sex with any other women. He talks and talks and talks with sooo many other people and women. He has said he doesn't feel safe to talk to me. I can understand that. He has been talking to a single woman since July and I just found out it is a daily thing. I don't see flirting or anything like that, but they do drink together, as far as I know they aren't alone together. She's one of the "guys" He's always been one to say there isn't anything wrong with men having female friends. Of course I've had an issue with this since day 1. There have been others, one who was a coworker who just turned 30. They still talk but not so much since she kind of ignores him. But the second she calls him, he jumps.
H’s behaviour is way out of line, disrespectful of you and your marriage. And has a rather creepy factor with a 48 year old man hanging out and fraternizing with a 30 year old (an almost daughter age) woman.
There may not be a physical affair or sex going on. However, an emotional affair looks pretty clear. Albeit that emotional feeling could be more one way. Her using H for money or drinks or whatever, and H feeling younger and such.
Both are using the other. Such is an affair. A band-aid, a symptom, of a deeper problem. Realize this has nothing to do with you, it’s about him.
Focus on you. Live and love you life. While H is partaking in such behaviour - no cake eating! Let the chips fall where they will.
Martial problem never get better by bringing a third person into the mix. You can be clear on your desired behaviours from H. And craft and enforce boundaries to that end. Then leave it alone, no nagging. GAL. Give H plenty of rope and agency to do what he will (since he will anyhow). Let him feel the loss of you.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I find out he took out a HELOC on our home and it seems to me that all my signatures were forged.
Yikes!
Snow, your are on two paths. There is the business path and the emotional/healing path. Good Divorce Busting does have one being aware and taking action on both paths. When dealing with business keep your emotions out of it, be business-like.
Get information on your finances. What accounts you have. Assets, investments, debts, etc. What’s joint and what’s solely in your name. Find out what bills and liabilities you have and are responsible for. Plenty of spouses have found out their partner got a credit card and ran up a huge bill without them being informed.
Get the information on this, or any other, loan against the equity of your house and/or assets. Find out how much of the loan has been utilized. And find out if H did indeed forge your signature.
Forging your signature is unacceptable. If that happened, you are going to having to straighten that out.
This bring up - speak with a lawyer. Forging aside, speaking with a lawyer is a good idea. You should find out your legal rights and options in this situation. Not to push any divorce forward, just gathering information is all. And knowledge is power. It’s a good idea to be prepared if things do suddenly go very sideways.
However, if some financial shady dealing have gone down, definitely get that fixed. Do not take on H’s financial mess.
Once you have a clear picture of where you are financially. What H has done. Then, if you need financial protection or security - get it. You are 48, worked and amassed a nest egg, and have to consider your future.
Originally Posted by Snowball
I want to be happy too. I want to be cared for and loved. I have no idea if HE will ever do that.
Your happiness is inside you, and not contingent upon H’s behaviour, mood, or proximity.
Care for and love you! Become the best version of yourself, for you! Make changes because you want them.
Focus on you. Give H plenty of time and space. Let him walk his path. You walk your’s. And love your life.
I look forward to speaking with you.
Hope you have a great day.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you for all the kind words and information! I will definitely do some reading and already have. I am hoping to have a decent weekend. The holiday and a birthday in there. He is planning on going to the same bar that the dancing happened on wed night. its country night and we/he have never been country fans. It just makes me sick. I want to leave the house because I don't want to be here when he leaves or when he gets home at who knows what time o clock in the morning that will be. It will stress me out beyond belief. Any advice on what to say on that I won't be at home all night? I'm probably going to my moms. I haven't snooped since the last I posted here. I already know what I know and it harms me so very much I just can't. I have been GAL. I started going to the gym the day before that happened and have gone 16 times in the past month! I have lost weight and have been feeling great because of it. I am also going away this weekend for two days with my SIL. I can't wait. It still does shock me that he hasn't spoken to me in 32 days now.(besides some very short, hi, bye, have a good day etc) We had a one time counselling session on Oct 12th and when talking about me being the pursuer I said that I have always thought if I stopped pursuing that he would never talk to me again. and yet here I am. At times its so difficult because its almost like he has died in a sort of way. I just feel so heartbroken. ps I'm really hoping I got all the quotes right. I haven't done that in a long time. If not I'll have to try to fix them.
Last edited by Snowball; 11/21/2309:07 PM.
H 48 W 48 S 18(still lives with us) S 29(mine) D 28 S 27(his who live out of state)
I have all the papers from the bank. My signature(a signature that doesn't look like mine at all) is on 3 of the papers. There is even a copy of my id. I have no idea who signed those forms, but it sure as hell wasn't me.
Go directly to a lawyer, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
I know this is still the early stages for you, and I understand it’s incredibly hard when you’ve just arrived at a website for saving your marriage to get advice like this. I expect you’ll try and make several excuses why you won’t go to a lawyer (such as “I think if it comes to it I can prove it’s not my signature”).
But you need to understand those excuses are because you are emotionally invested in trying to save your marriage. I absolutely guarantee you will regret ignoring the loan fraud a few years down the track.
Imagine your best girlfriend… she comes to you, and tells you her marriage is on the rocks and her husband has forged her signature to get a line of credit against her house.
Here's an update. I have an appt with a divorce coach in the next few days. I haven't made any lawyer appts yet but will soon.
The day before Thanksgiving I couldn't bear to watch him get ready for the biggest bar night of the year, so when he happened to leave the house around 3pm and didn't even say a word, I left. I planned on not coming home at all until the following morning but it happened that I came home around 4am. That really shook him. Of all the times he's done that to me before and to watch him tell me, can you respond to my text, I want to make sure you aren't in a ditch. He texted me at 230am with a "good night" and I didn't respond. I said to him that I have a phone that can be called, or if you want an answer to something that you have to actually ask a question. That I wasn't a mind reader. Of course he said oh, no, I'm not calling. ok then. Thankgiving came and I did my own thing and went to familys house. He didn't say a word and left before I did and went to the bar to watch football. How sad. My family loves him. None of them even asked where he was. My birthday was recently too and I left town. He promptly went to the bar and a bowling alley. Which I found out the bowling alley closed at 1am, but his car was there until 2am. What was he doing?? I have no clue. Last night I watched him, he drove to 2 bars and then another bowling alley. (there are bars in both these bowling alleys) So far this month there have been 16 days he has been out drinking.
He asked a few days ago to have a conversation today. I agreed. He initiated, we sat down, I said nothing. he talked for a bit.
Take aways from his talk, he said, he didn't realize how much he missed having sex until he's not having sex at all. That for him has become a huge problem. " We last had sex 6 weeks ago.
He mentioned about being sad about not being in the mood for Christmas, about not being allowed to decorate when HE wants to. (I've always like to not decorate until after Thanksgiving because my bday is around that time too and I don't want it all taken over my Christmas, its always been important to me) he always uses the words not allowed and he's being controlled and such. I just don't know what to do about any of that since I will do things and he just sits back and watches or agrees with me. So that's on him.
he mentioned yet again about not wanting to be tracked. but on the same note, still wants our kid to know where he is. He said he wants to live and breathe and not want people to watch every move. (he most certainly hasn't earned that right with me, or at least not for me to be able to trust him at all that's for sure)
He's put so many scenarios in his head and none of them work out except us going our separate ways.
he said we are both A LOT to deal with. he admitted that we both have faults and he has just as many as I do.
He has in he head that that I'm not happy in the area of sex and he's not ever going to get over that.
He asked if I had any comments or anything to add. I said no. I was calm, pleasant and neutral. I didn't cry!
I asked him at the end if he felt heard. he said yes, That was it. I moved on with my day. He said something along the lines of that we probably will need many more conversations.
Not too long afterwards he came and knocked on my door to ask why I asked if he felt heard. I told him that he said that a lot of the times and I wanted to make sure that I was doing that since it was important to him. He thanked me, I said you're welcome. He also said something about that it was confusing to him that I seem fine while he was downstairs crying. I told him I was sorry he felt that way. That was it.
I feel so good about myself. I have those words in my head, I AM THE PRIZE! I had such a fun time leaving town with my girlfriend. I am also going to see another friend next week. I'm still debating if I even want to tell him that I'm even leaving. I just don't know how to handle that as it seems so rude to me and not with my values. So I just don't know how to handle that. Thanks for listening.
Also I forgot to add that at the end of the conversation he mentioned that he needed my soc # so he could re-add me to his health insurance for work. So odd, he should know it. but whatever, it was just another thing added to things that are on his mind.
he is also leaving out of town for work in a week, for a week. I just so happened to find out(not from him) he hasn't said a word to me about it. I thought for sure he would have mentioned that but he didn't.
Last edited by Snowball; 11/26/2305:53 PM.
H 48 W 48 S 18(still lives with us) S 29(mine) D 28 S 27(his who live out of state)
