Work

[DnJ]

Good Morning Rock

I think we ended up reaching a satisfactory respectful agreement but I read from her texts that she didn’t like how I behaved.

The real question is: Did you like, are you proud, of how you behaved?

Given that something is bugging you I’m surmising you are less than satisfied with your part in this interaction.

I had been coordinating some details with her about collaborating around S’s care. (She stayed with him here at our house while I went away for the weekend). I had discussed with her switching vehicles for the weekend (we own the vehicles together).

The heart of the matter is in the details. The devil is in the details. God is in the details. The first alludes to how solutions breakdown upon examination. The second, deeper examination provides opportunities and growth. Both are true, however I find the latter to be more exciting and feeds my hopeful and optimistic soul; so I tend to dig with that positivity towards betterment in mind.

How far away is W’s Mom’s house? An hour drive? Or five minutes? (I am thinking she lives rather close.)

It appears you suggested switching vehicles. Or did W ask to switch?

Why the switch? To facilitate care of son? Or was the other vehicle better suited for your weekend away?

W was being unclear about when she might be available to make the switch. I stated the times that would work for me and tried to agree to a clear plan that would work for both of us. I did not want to go over to her mom’s to make the switch. It would have been inconvenient for me and I have been staying away from there.

“I did not want to go over to her mom’s to make the switch.” To me, this sounds like the heart of things, and it’s less about inconvenience.

If you wanted the vehicle for your weekend away, you should switch vehicles at W’s convenience. Basically, at her Mom’s or wherever W says. If the vehicle switch was for son’s care, even more so. IMHO.

My intentions were to be clear and also to stick to my boundaries of giving W and her family lots of space (essentially staying away to protect my self respect).

Ah, intentions. They do sometimes lead to unwanted situation or destinations. It’s a good idea to be open to change, and continually gauge one’s efforts and path. Unintended events, occurrences, and such do pop up and being able to be less rigid in a formulated plan can make things/life much easier. Embracing uncertainty fosters such.

Boundaries are predetermined actions you will take when W (or others) behave in a certain pre-defined manner, usually some form of disrespect. Giving W and her family space is not a boundary. You are being dark/dim.

W was asking me to come over there and I stated that I was not able to.

To be clear, you were able to, you just didn’t want to. Yet you stated differently. And that is what’s bugging you.

God is in the details. Be accurate in thought and heart.

How do you think / believe you’d now feel if you had exchanged vehicles on her Mom’s driveway?

assertive, flexible and strong with a backbone - and considering, “Am I being stubborn and trying to get my way without taking other perspectives and considering how I am impacting the other person?”

How do you think you did?

Were you confident and flexible?

Should I have responded directly to her comments about passive aggressiveness? Would that be helpful, assertive? I wonder if this may be an example similar to Mr P’s recent experience inviting grandparents to Ds event and no matter what I did W would react.

Last week, W texted me stating that my passive aggressiveness makes her so crazy that she doesn’t want to cooperate with me at all. She said I was being stubborn like usual.

Yes, W would likely react. However, that reaction might/could have been more positive. W asked you to come over there. In hindsight, you likely should have just gone over and exchanged vehicles. Gone over with zero expectations, just to get your needed vehicle. Just been the new and improved you. That would have been a better demonstration of your changes.

Another, God’s in the details: W is angry and upset. She still has feelings. If she were done, she’d feel nothing. And she’d likely not even suggest you come over, she’d have arranged the vehicle exchange herself.

Rock, there is a nugget of truth in her words methinks. Dig into yourself and decide your path.

Are you proud of how you behaved? If so, good. If not, apologize.

D